[effy2014]

Oh, I'm the weekend and holiday chef. We cook together but she is my sous chef.

[rcoreyus]

Chores:
She feeds the cats and takes them to the vet (she wanted the cats), I do the litter box.
She cooks, I clean and usually do the shopping (trust me the reverse when I cook is NOT a good plan).
I do the bills all year, she does the taxes.
We each get our own cars fixed, each do our own laundry, both take out the trash and recycling. We both work.
I make the beds. I maintain the computer.
Usually I drive, she navigates.


For many years we had problems with intimacy. Not that that's fixed we spend lots of time physically together. When we watch TV we enjoy the "commercial breaks" where we kiss and cuddle and sometimes more - but only while commercials are on (sometimes we pick shows that we know have lots of commercials....). I frequently give her backrubs and massages. She wears sexy lingerie around the house most evenings. Either of us will initiate sex.

[Pneeleysmom]

This weekend! ****UPDATE****

So, this weekend I took my daughter to the lake. It was her, myself and my mother and father.

I started getting texts the night we left from my husband...wanting to know where we were staying etc etc.

Sorry this is kind of detailed and long, but you need to understand the whole conversation...

I got this text from him at 8am the next morning...

"Something has been bothering me all night, I need to talk about it sometime when you have a chance"

I didn't respond until later that afternoon, saying that I didn't have good cell service, but could try to text. His response :


"Just forget it, I've been working all night, don't worry, I'll just deal with it. I'll find out the answers soon enough I guess"

I just responded "Ok"

So then he started back asking who we were with, if I was telling the truth about where I was with "HIS" daughter....So, I told him this:

"Listen (name) You are happy with a woman that you've stated is so much better that me, you told me that you've found happiness and have done and said unthinkable and hurtful things to me. Why can't you just let me find my own happiness. I'm not a liar, keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better"

Then I got this:

"I find it very funny how you bash me for doing something that you're doing yourself. Why can't you just admit it! Why can't you answer the question, you haven't been honest with me about the lake situation and you know that I know it. I want you to find happiness, but I want the truth when it involves MY daughter and what you're doing with her. All I want is the truth and you're hiding things from me"


I never responded....he text me all day with the same questions. Who's there, where did you sleep, you didnt stay where you said you were did you... ALL.DAY.LONG!

Finally, I was fed up! This is what I said

"If you think that our daughter is never going to be around people that you don't know then you are wrong, that's a privilege you lost when you left our marriage. If you know where she is, and that she is taken care of, which you always know because I always volunteer that information before you even have to ask, then that's all you need to know. I have to sacrifice not seeing my daughter every other weekend, sometimes more because of your selfish choices, and bite my tongue when you allow our daugter around that homewrecker every single time she's with you. For the love of GOD leave me alone! After everything you've put me through the very least you can do is just let me be!"




So, my question is, was this bad? Did I do the right thing? I haven't heard from him since.

[effy2014]

I might not have been as vitriolic, but the substance is fine. My response to the first "who are you with" might have been: "You have a right to know, as do I, where our daughter is and how you can reach us. We are at the lake, our daughter is safe and happy and you can reach us on my cell. That is all of the information to which you are entitled and the only information which you will be given." I would have used this response to a few of the texts and then stopped responding to any others (unless they involved questions about her, and then only responded once). I know that it is so tempting to vent, but there is really no need nor any good that can come of it. You were driving him crazy with the lack of information (a good thing). An objective refusal to give information that he has no right to receive is better.

I might have responded to the "you are doing the same thing" text -- again objectively and without giving him the info he so desperately wants. Something like "As I recall the facts, you cheated and left. I couldn't possibly do the same thing as you have done since we have split. Expect me to move on just as you have."

After a while you will grow a thicker skin and laugh at his need to know who you are with.

[Pneeleysmom]

I might not have been as vitriolic, but the substance is fine. My response to the first "who are you with" might have been: "You have a right to know, as do I, where our daughter is and how you can reach us. We are at the lake, our daughter is safe and happy and you can reach us on my cell. That is all of the information to which you are entitled and the only information which you will be given." I would have used this response to a few of the texts and then stopped responding to any others (unless they involved questions about her, and then only responded once). I know that it is so tempting to vent, but there is really no need nor any good that can come of it. You were driving him crazy with the lack of information (a good thing). An objective refusal to give information that he has no right to receive is better.

I might have responded to the "you are doing the same thing" text -- again objectively and without giving him the info he so desperately wants. Something like "As I recall the facts, you cheated and left. I couldn't possibly do the same thing as you have done since we have split. Expect me to move on just as you have."

After a while you will grow a thicker skin and laugh at his need to know who you are with.

From now on, I think I may try to reach someone in this thread before responding! HA!
I was so outdone with the fact that HE cheated and HE left me. He has this woman with him every time he has our daughter, but yet, I cannot go ANYWHERE without him questioning me! It makes me angry! I would much rather be at home with him and my family whole again that anywhere else on this planet, but he obviously doesn't want that, so WHY does he have to do things like this! He says he doesn't care about me, but what does this show? Just curiousity, or Jealousy? He confuses me so much!

[rcoreyus]

Maybe you should agree with him to keep your daughter separate from any other issues. Its reasonable for either of you to ask about how she is doing, or where she is - as long as the question really is about the daughter, not any other person one of you is with.

So "We with friends collecting poisonous snakes in the Bornero jungles" is a reasonable answer (if that is what you are doing). Then its OK for him to ask about the snakes and perhaps question whether your daughter is in danger, but not OK for him to ask about the "friends". The only exception is if he has a specific reason to suspect that the friends might be harmful to her, or possibly if he is legitimately interested in her interaction with those friends because he wants to know what her life is like.

Do either of you have any legitimate reason to think the other will not take good care of your daughter?

I'm sure he is curious what you are doing - its a natural reaction. But he doesn't have a right to know. He left you, and has no right to know anything about you that you don't want to tell him, unless it directly impacts his daughter. While you can tell him if you want, I think it is better that neither of you take an interest in the other's personal life.

He may curious jealous, regretful, angry, confused, whatever. It really doesn't matter. He is not your problem any more.

[jen1447]

It sounds like he has either a real or contrived suspicion that you have been and/or are now 'cheating' on him. Sorry to ask but I assume that's not so? Anyway, sometimes guilty people overreact by projecting their behavior on others. It's basically a coping mechanism - he needs to feel not so bad about what he did, so the easiest path to that place is to find fault with you, and the easiest way to that is to imagine that you were just as unfaithful as he was, and maybe even before he was, etc. That way he can just be the longsuffering virtuous guy who's just trying to salvage his romantic future with a new woman and so on. That's why you so often see these bizarre infidelity accusations mixed up in failing marriages or relationships - they really don't withstand the BS test but they exist for other reasons, so they hang on. The real pointer there imo is that the person doing it has to have serious cognitive dissonance or delusion issues, so that's another reason to be glad this all shook out the way it did. You were married to and living with someone who lacks the character not to lie to himself, a very serious problem. Not surprising tho, given what else he's shown you about the real him lately.

On the content of your texts, again I'll just say don't worry so much about what you've done or said after it's done. Just focus on not giving him any ammo in the future. effy's suggestions for limited responses are good imo.

You seem to be dealing with this reasonably well, so congratulations on that and keep up the good work.

[effy2014]

From now on, I think I may try to reach someone in this thread before responding! HA!
I was so outdone with the fact that HE cheated and HE left me. He has this woman with him every time he has our daughter, but yet, I cannot go ANYWHERE without him questioning me! It makes me angry! I would much rather be at home with him and my family whole again that anywhere else on this planet, but he obviously doesn't want that, so WHY does he have to do things like this! He says he doesn't care about me, but what does this show? Just curiousity, or Jealousy? He confuses me so much!

You are still in the first two (of 5) stages of grieving. A cross between denial and anger. You don't want him now -- you couldn't trust him and the hurt would haunt your forever. You want the him that used to be and is no more.

There is no sense to his feelings. I am sure that there is jealousy -- there is no way he loves her like he loved you. He still needs the connection to you, even if it's negative. Don't try to make sense of it -- really it no longer matters.

Keep grieving and try to move on. The more objective in your conversations with him, the crazier you make him.

[Pneeleysmom]

It sounds like he has either a real or contrived suspicion that you have been and/or are now 'cheating' on him. Sorry to ask but I assume that's not so? Anyway, sometimes guilty people overreact by projecting their behavior on others. It's basically a coping mechanism - he needs to feel not so bad about what he did, so the easiest path to that place is to find fault with you, and the easiest way to that is to imagine that you were just as unfaithful as he was, and maybe even before he was, etc. That way he can just be the longsuffering virtuous guy who's just trying to salvage his romantic future with a new woman and so on. That's why you so often see these bizarre infidelity accusations mixed up in failing marriages or relationships - they really don't withstand the BS test but they exist for other reasons, so they hang on. The real pointer there imo is that the person doing it has to have serious cognitive dissonance or delusion issues, so that's another reason to be glad this all shook out the way it did. You were married to and living with someone who lacks the character not to lie to himself, a very serious problem. Not surprising tho, given what else he's shown you about the real him lately.

On the content of your texts, again I'll just say don't worry so much about what you've done or said after it's done. Just focus on not giving him any ammo in the future. effy's suggestions for limited responses are good imo.

You seem to be dealing with this reasonably well, so congratulations on that and keep up the good work.

No, I have never cheated, or even looked in the direction of another man really. He was all I ever wanted. Period, and he knows it. I can't even go out now with friends because all I can think about is how I could be portrayed "Unfaithful" I still feel guilty just being around single guys. He had my whole heart, and I guess that's why it makes me so angry when he says things like this. I'm still trying to push past him, and he's accusing me of doing things that haven't even crossed my mind. He's all I've thought about.

[jen1447]

I understand hon. That's not gonna change today, tomorrow, or for probably a lot of days after that. But it will, one day. Prepare for the long haul and feel free to be vulnerable, strong, laugh, and cry along the way - possibly all at the same time.