[jen1447]

Bad girl!

Just kidding ....you're gonna do this in your own way and at your own pace no matter what instructions we give you here, so I think whatever makes you feel better in the short term is fine. (It's the short term that's the real immediate killer in extreme times like this - when the anxiety's high you wonder what you're possibly gonna do in the next 5 minutes, nevermind tomorrow.) Just please try to resist treating him too well overall because he doesn't deserve it.

[Pneeleysmom]

Bad girl!

(It's the short term that's the real immediate killer in extreme times like this - when the anxiety's high you wonder what you're possibly gonna do in the next 5 minutes, nevermind tomorrow.)

You're exactly right about this!!!!!

[rcoreyus]

Rather than saying that someone cheats if things "aren't right at home", I'd say that people are likely to cheat or leave if they aren't happy at home. Now there are lots of reasons someone might be unhappy. Some of those reasons are valid but some are completely irrational, or completely selfish. In some cases (like yours) there is probably nothing you, or anyone in your situation could have done. He may well have been unhappy but it wasn't due to you.

For example, imagine a man who's been married for many years and has kids. He might **want** to live a James Bond lifestyle of fancy cars and young women. The desire is real and that isn't what he has at home. The point is though that HE decided to get married and to have kids. HE decided the sort of job he wanted, and those don't support the life he wants. Whats more is that if he leaves his marriage he STILL doesn't get to be James Bond, just some guy who left his wife .

Its like a 5 year old who WANTS a flying pony. Well there aren't any flying ponies so they can't have one. Most 5 year old's get over it quickly, but some people don't. Then they go off trying to find that flying pony and usually end up much worse off than they were when they started.

There are lots of things that I want that I don't have - but I'm rational (and old ;-( ) enough to realize that I'm very lucky with what I have. I have a wife who I love and who loves me. She isn't perfect - I wish she could hike 20 miles in the mountains rather than only 15 on a good day, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy. There are lots of things that she wishes were different about me - but she is happy with me. When I'm with her, cuddling on the sofa, or hiking up a mountainside in New Zeland in a rainstorm, I'm happy.

OK to summarize my babbling. He may have been unhappy but it wasn't because of anything you did or didn't do. His unhappiness was likely because of his own unreasonable view of what the world should be like.

I've always hear men say if things are right at home a man wouldn't have to look outside his marriage. I guess that's what gets me and that's where I feel like a failure.

[effy2014]

I text him and said

"I'm sorry about this morning, please do not call me back. I know if you missed me and wanted our family together that you would do everything in your power to make it happen. I have just had a rough few days missing my family and feeling down about P (our daughter) not having us together, loving each other, and loving her, together. You know how I feel about you, and you know where I am if you need me. Day or night -- Much love!"

Oy. He did everything in his power to destroy the marriage. Tsk Tsk Tsk (scolding you in a kind hearted way). Glad you got that out of your system.

Just so you know, your daughter will be fine. My twins did the back and forth -- we both parented and they have turned out to be fantastic kids.

[Pneeleysmom]

Oy. He did everything in his power to destroy the marriage. Tsk Tsk Tsk (scolding you in a kind hearted way). Glad you got that out of your system.

Just so you know, your daughter will be fine. My twins did the back and forth -- we both parented and they have turned out to be fantastic kids.

This made me giggle! I have had many people tell me if they could just live inside my body for a few weeks they'd let him know exactly where he belongs. I've been told over and over that I am too nice, and that I can't be everything to everyone, and that I cannot fix everything. That's a very BAD trait I have. I feel like everyone that does something irrational is broken and somehow needs to be fixed and loved. Unfortunatly that's come back to bite me in the bootay!!

Like one of his accusations was that every time he was called in and working overnight, or out of town, I stayed with my parents. No reason besides they live 30 minutes south of us and an HOUR south of where I work and it was easier to stay there than to drive that long drive every morning to drop P off and then BACK to work, and maybe sometimes just because I liked the company. It's things like this that make you feel like a small little person that couldn't be right if you tried, but I have no words to come back when he says things like this because I think, "Well, I did stay with my parents" ...maybe I have no fight back in my brain. I have NO idea.

[jen1447]

Giggles are very attractive - you're gonna be a commodity when you get back on the market, trust me.

[Claret]

Quote Originally Posted by Pneeleysmom View Post


I've always hear men say if things are right at home a man wouldn't have to look outside his marriage. I guess that's what gets me and that's where I feel like a failure.

Sometimes what is not right at home is the man.

[effy2014]

This made me giggle! I have had many people tell me if they could just live inside my body for a few weeks they'd let him know exactly where he belongs. I've been told over and over that I am too nice, and that I can't be everything to everyone, and that I cannot fix everything. That's a very BAD trait I have. I feel like everyone that does something irrational is broken and somehow needs to be fixed and loved. Unfortunatly that's come back to bite me in the bootay!!

It's not that you are too nice. Giving people are supposed to be nice. It's not believing that you have the right to expect equally nice behaviors in return. Givers are drawn to takers . . . we feel so good giving and so undeserving of getting back. When you get to the other side of this emotional nightmare, take some time to think about what you deserve in a relationship.

Pick someone who isn't broken. Someone who is as or more devoted to you as you are to them. The feeling may be odd at first, but two people giving to each other in roughly equal amounts is so much better than constantly fixing someone,who then complains about how you fixed them.

[Pneeleysmom]

I just wanted to stop by and tell you all that I've had a rather good week! I haven't felt like my life was ending without him, I haven't felt like I was worthless. We had a huge argument on Monday and he said some things to me that were very upsetting. He told me that all I looked for in the last 10 years of marriage to him was a handout and that it was due time that I put my big girl panties on, get a job where I don't sit on my ****** behind a desk and learn to start supporting myself, and stop looking for handouts from everyone, that all I wanted was his money etc. etc.... I'm not getting NEAR what I would get if I took him to court and saying those things to me make me VERY angry, which I know that's what he wants to accomplish. He lives in his Grandmothers house, that just recently passed away, which is paid for, she paid off his truck.. and WHO is looking for a handout??? He also told me that the "Family" that I told him I missed last week is long gone and never going to come back, that I could kiss the "family" I knew goodbye. There is much more, but he's just become an ************** that I wouldn't even want to be married to. I don't know why I would want to be with someone that was capable of treating someone that way! Hopefully I will be able to carry these feelings forward and will not take 10 steps back, because last week I was in a very dark place and felt like I had hit rock bottom. I cried every, single, day. Missing him terribly.... So, all I can do now is work on myself and being a great mommy to my sweet girl who loves me so much and needs me. I do however still hope that him and his new found "family" have a ********ty life together, and that someday, someone makes him feel the way he has me for the last four months, but NO MORE! He moved straight from our marriage into another very serious relationship. Kudos to him, I at least get to know what it feels like to be single!!!

[jen1447]

Aw, I'm so happy you had a good week! You're going thru the process and making progress hon, that's fantastic. In order for there to be highs, there have to be lows, and being able to identify the lowest low might just mean you have in fact turned the corner. There'll still be tough times, but hopefully none as tough now as what you've been thru.

On his comments ....just pathetic. It's frankly beyond me to imagine how someone could be so cruel in their heart. I guess the only explanation that pops to mind is that sometimes miserable people just want others to feel as miserable as they do. If that's the case with him, your prophecy will be correct, only the person who'll make him feel as bad as he's made you feel will ultimately be himself. Poetic justice in a way.

Keep up the good work, and please keep letting us know here how you're getting on. We care. (hugs)