[katzintheclouds]

The BF talk is about two guys who I have history with, one was my first BF who I dated for six years, then the other I dated for 4 (I don't know when to quit I guess). Both of them I left, and both of them love my sexual energy. They are both with women who do not satisfy them sexually so in recent months they started randomly coming back into my life. First it was a text here and there, innocent. Then a late night conversation, etc. When I started to feel lonely, I began enticing more, ended up basically having "text sex" or "sexting" (as awful as that sounds). Just recently in the past month though it escalated to me sneaking out one night to see the one guy (about three weeks ago) and randomly took a shower with him, had sex, went home, haven't talked to him since. The real kicker is that he got married this past weekend (and I've known all about it). Then my other boyfriend who's been on and off trying to get back with me wants it REAL bad. We've come close a few times but what broke I think broke me down is that I was drinking, went to his job, almost ended up going and having sex with him after work (he's engaged) but I got in my car and drove home.

Therefore with this on top of my emotions with my GF, I feel trashy. I realize now that maybe it's not so good being used even if it means I get my attention that I want. My excuses always were that they were my exes, we had sex a dozen of times, and I'm just so good that they can't stay away. But in reality, they are both marrying normal women who apparently they are happy with and think that they can survive marraige with an unhappy sex life...

But that's my talk about the guys..I'll write another entry about the GF when I articulate myself..

[jen1447]

So far so good.

[katzintheclouds]

So I've been battling these demons now for the past few days, it's welling up even more. She's started to come back into my life with normal conversation, talking about life, trying to Skype, sending me funny things on Facebook. I have pretty much ignored everything. Today she asked me what was up (through text) and I just basically said that I'm going through some things right now, I don't really want to talk about it yet, and that's just the way it is. She made comments about me being vague and that she understood but I left it at that.......

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey sweet, I understand you felt used and also that she's validating this by talking to you "normally" and acting normal I can see why you don't want to reply..

Some people in life take what they want and continue to take.

The one thing you have to see though she kept coming back for me, couldn't stop herself until now. That means your one hot chick

But seriously. The moment you ever feel used? Know it deep in your heart? Stop the connection.

I was on and off with my first boyfriend for absolutely years. I didn't care that he slept with others as it was me he would want to be with when ever he saw me. There was this ultimate lust but also "trust" and it just continued. One day I realised that now it was just "sex" full stop and that made me feel sick not that I don't like sex : ) But, that I was worth more than that, what was equal now wasn't. At that point I turned around and never looked back. Now I wonder what the heck I was doing back then?

All relationships change eventually unless you have found your "soul" in someone and them in you. You have to distance your thought pattern to "you found it" to the bond and intimacy and lust was a bond but not the soul.

As for what you are doing now, at 28, look at you girlfriend. Your life is going to be absolutely awesome. Your career is what you want, you can go where you want, do what you want, meet who you want so remain positive about all of that and you'll find what you want.

[katzintheclouds]

Thank you for the reply and yes, I try to remind myself that it's just that I'm too attractive that I get myself in these situations. Hah! I'm not really conceited though, not at all. These people like me because I like sex and I'm not afraid to be adventurous. These people are apparently with partners they don't find themselves fulfilled with which is a **** shame but makes me even happier I am on my own. I do NOT want to have a relationship with someone who I am not comfortable with like that, I can't imagine keeping something like that from my partner if I'm going to be married to them. Or even just with them. But yes, it is so confusing as to how I can even manage talking to her like normal. She probably would think I'm coming out of left field and not understand, I can see that. But I just can't go about like I used to. I think this last trip and her dissing me on the fourth of July to be with her husband really damaged me and made me think.

But you're right, I'm trying to really focus on the fact that I'm in a position maybe other's wish they were in. I'm not tied down with someone, or have any base anywhere. I'm currently living with my parents as I said before due to my previous separation with my ex boyfriend. I have a lot going for me, but I just need some direction as to where it is that I'm "going".

I'm going to continue putting job applications out there, I've done so in several different areas...

[jen1447]

You need resolution hon, and you're only gonna get that thru talking to her. Ignoring her will just make you stew. That said, I have no issues with taking your time and making yourself the priority if you've got better things to do.

Don't forget too that she's your friend tho. She has to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's not before you turn your back on her (in my book at least), and it sounds to me like she hasn't quite done that, even if she hasn't exactly been doing herself any favors by treating you shabbily. Straighten her out! Maybe she'll surprise you and woman up.

[katzintheclouds]

It's strange how I feel so weird about this all the sudden, I used to call her everyday almost. Her hubby is gone again now, and she's texted me a few times saying she missed me, I wrote her once back that said "I'm sorry I'm not ignoring you, I'm just going through some **** right now" she asked me "work or life?" and I said "Both, i might take a trip away from things for a while", and left it at that. I hate that I have to talk to her on the phone right now, I wish we could talk face to face but I don't think that's happening anytime soon. It's quite obvious to me now that she loves husband more than anyone in the world, i'm not sure why I thought I was some exception. I think the last time she snubbed me after I returned home from vacation really clicked something in me, I guess I realized the truth about it..plus she had told me that her husband didn't know about me & her, not even our previous relationship before they knew each other....

I've never felt so alone before, that's the biggest hurdle. At the end of the day I always thought "well if someone loves me and accepts me no matter what, that's her".

[katzintheclouds]

Well ladies....I've done it. I talked to her. Unfortunately it was not in face or over the phone because I was actually backed into a corner online by her wondering why I've been ignoring her. I just didn't have enough strength (or guts i guess) to try and talk with her in any other way so she did that. I think it may have been good to just be over messaging because I don't know if I could have said all I said any other way. It basically turned down like this

She loved me back when we were closer, before she moved away, but she thought we had both moved on since we both got into long term relationships and whatever it was romantically that we had, ended. Therefore reinstating that yes, it was just fun for her these last few times. She felt horrible that she realized that wasn't the case..

She had not told her husband because she didn't see the reason to dredge up the past and that she thought we had ended that part of our lives. She did however apparently tell him about our night when I visited because she felt bad, where we were all over each other during my visit there.

I told her that I felt used, and she said she had no idea that she was making me feel that way. I guess I can see that since I never really pointed out that I had not given up those feelings like she thought we had. She said she felt like a fool...

I let her know that I wasn't trying to ignore her, but that I've been battling these feelings now and it's been killing me inside. She said she had missed me and didn't understand, but that she does now. I told her that I wasn't sure if I was really able to be that close to her anymore, and she understood even though she was really sad to hear that.

I've left out a good portion of the conversation but the bottom line now is that she knows she hurt me, she hadn't realized how i still felt, and she was sorry I even had to go through that. I made it clear that I've got to figure myself out, that I'm not sure if we can even be friends for a while and while it hurts to even think it, we may never have the strong relationship we've had in the past, anymore...

[jen1447]

That took a lot of courage but it sounds like you said your piece and got your answers. I'm sure it feels better now on that score. You did good hon.

Please keep us up to date and reach out for any help you may need here - we're here for you katz. Hugs.

[jns]

Hugs katz. Conversations like this one can be painful, but many times they are the keys to moving on.