[katzintheclouds]

Hi ladies,

I've been around in the past, have a complicated history. This seems to be the only real place to get some positive feedback when things are going rough and I forgot about the forum, so here we are, I'm back! I dont know if this is the proper place to discuss this all, maybe someone can point me to a better place to get some advice.

I'm 28 years old, and consistently struggling with myself. I'm at peace and not confused about my sexual orientation, I know I'm bisexual and have no issues with sharing that. However, I have been in a non-explainable, strange relationship with a best friend for years that has had blurry lines ever since we met.

We've always had boyfriends. It used to be just fun and games when we were younger. We'd spend time together, joke together about being in love, kiss, etc. At one point we even fooled around and it felt totally normal. It's been back and forth for a while. We always, as I said, had long term boyfriends and believed it was just different with us, that it was normal.

Well in the past few years, I've been wavering over this hot plate of what it is I really feel. I think, in my deepest self, I'm in love with her and always have been. I wrote a post about the fact that she got married which really threw me into a strange place. I always thought that even though she was getting married, she still felt the same about me. But that's got to be bull****.

She talks about me like she loves me too. When we get together, she's all over me, especially when she's drinking. She moved several years ago a few states away and the last time I visited I was single. She couldn't keep her hands off me, and at some point I had to almost push her away because she's married and it just seems wrong.

Recently after hanging out with her again, I've run into a wall once more with her. And I"m just so confused. Has anyone ever been through this before?

[jns]

Welcome back.

It seems like you are struggling with wanting at least an on again off again polyamorous relationship with her. It would complete the part of you that likes a relationship with a girl.

What you weren't clear about is if you are currently in a long term relationship with a guy. If you are, would he be willing to allow you a fling with your gf every once in a while? Not everybody could be as open, but if your guy could, it could be the answer a lot of your questions. It would actually take pressure off of the relationship you have with him.

There has been some discussion about polyamory and open relationships lately. There may be some answers for you in the threads. the threads are: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...-marriage.html and https://www.womens-health.com/boards...more-than.html .

[katzintheclouds]

Thanks so much for the quick reply! I am not currently in any relationships, I am about two years out of one with a man I was with for about four years. We lived together, I wanted a life together, but he didn't see the point in growing up so I left him. I think that one of the biggest reasons I'm hurt more lately is simply that: She's got a husband and I'm single. I think I want her to myself, or perhaps have realized that I truly love her. I've been exploring the desire to date a woman, but I live in a small town where I've met just about everyone and that's not going to happen! When I mentioned this to her, she made comments that she would be jealous if I did date a woman, I think because she wants to believe that she can have me that way too. In that avenue, I think she's a bit selfish because the more I see it, I think she wants to have me and her husband which isn't quite fair to me. Does that make any sense?

[Baboy]

I think she's a bit selfish because the more I see it, I think she wants to have me and her husband which isn't quite fair to me. Does that make any sense?

That makes a lot of sense. There are such relationships that have been discussed here on the forum. The links provided by jns will likely lead you to some of those discussions. Some of those relationships seem to endure over time and work quite well. That does not mean such would work well for you. Your comment suggests that you would see any kind of non-exclusive relationship as not quite fair. That is not difficult to understand. But there are some who are content with relationships in which there is some "sharing" of partners.

[jen1447]

I'm bisexual too hon and I've worn the shoes. Off the bat I'd say be cautious with your GF, being as she's married now. Sharing can be great when everyone plays by the same rules, but a lot of times it works out as the third party being a bit of a plaything for the attached couple. If you don't want that (and I assume you want more), you should be careful. Probably the best thing would be a very frank conversation with her where you tell her exactly how you feel and how you've felt all along, what you'd like now, and find out where she's at.

There are tons of bisexual women out there so she's not the only possible one for you. If you move to a more populated area you'll see they're everywhere. I never have any trouble finding them.

Ask anything else that comes to mind or just vent - we're here to help.

[katzintheclouds]

You have no idea how much it helps to hear these things, thank you. I had a discussion with her the last time we got together (not just the other week but last Halloween) where it was just me visiting her. This time there was another friend of ours with us so I think that's why things never really advanced on this particular trip. Before when I visited, we snuck off to a beach with a bottle of wine and she couldn't keep her hands off me. But it was also this trip that I found out that her husband didn't really know how she felt about me or about our past. That's the worst part about it, this entire time I thought he knew and was understanding of it.

I agree too that we need to talk. I think part of me is afraid to because even though sometimes it stings a little, the attention and love she gives me is nice since I'm not really with anyone at this point. I'm so used to being coupled up that going without intimacy is a little difficult (my previous boyfriend and I had an on-fire sexual relationship). I'm a highly sexual person and I think in the small town I live in, it's just not possible to remain that way and feel like you can blossom.

The biggest point is that I've been on again/off again with moving there because she's always expressed a huge interest in me doing that for me to be closer. But as you said, she may be trying to have the best of both worlds which I worry isn't where her husband stands, and isn't where I should be standing either. BUT if I move, it still opens me up to new opportunities and gives me a chance to start something else as well.

[jen1447]

Going to a sexually diverse environment will only help a woman like you, definitely. You have other things to consider obviously (family etc.) but if it ends up being a go, I don't think you'll regret it. If you get to a place like that one day and want tips on how to actually meet women there, let me know.

I understand about the little victories of feeling good for the time being - we're all human and we crave that sort of satisfaction - but in general I think it's best to resist that because you send the wrong messages. Your GF for example probably treats you the way she does because you haven't really made it clear that you want more than just fooling around here and there, and that you're worried about her husband. Do talk about those things and resolve them. No matter what answers you get, you'll feel a lot better.

Would you be okay with a part time thing with her if her husband was? Just fwiw, I have ongoing sexual relationships with a lot of women while being BF/GF with my BF, he knows about it and is fine with it, and we're both happy. Multi-partner success is very possible if it's handled right, so wherever you might be with it, if your GF (and her hubs) are okay with it, you're ahead of the game.

[katzintheclouds]

Thank you, I really need to move from my current location for a number of reasons, that being one of them. I broke up with a BF of almost four years who I was living with so I had no where else to go but back with my parents. It's been almost a year and a half that I've been here with them at 28yrs old, and Im ready to find something else. Im at the cusp of something I know a lot of people would want where I can basically go wherever I see fit but at the same time, that's obnoxiously scary. I reach out to those I know for a safety net instead of moving to an unknown place with no one there. She represents a chance to move several states away, so I'm grabbing onto that. I used to get the sense that it didn't matter to either of them to have me have that special relationship with her, I always thought he knew about it all and was okay. But you're right, we need to talk about it because the last time before the past (when we were alone for Halloween), she gave me the impression that he DIDNT know which startled me. I would be okay with inviting another woman into a relationship with a BF but what worries me is that with HER I might not feel comfortable "sharing" her, unless I was the MAIN one. As if she was my GF to begin with, and he was invited into the picture. I think the bottom line is that we need to have a serious conversation.

As far as moving, I need to figure something out quick but I can't seem to do that. I have friends in several different places in the US, some in California, Florida, Baltimore, Chicago, Texas...I mean there's a few open windows pending finding a safe place to live and a good job. I'm currently working on paying off all bills to give myself more freedom and money in my pocket. It's exciting but terrifying at the same time. Have you ever been in that situation?

[jen1447]

I'm a bit older so I went thru my 'crisis' type stuff (lol) some years ago. I never transplanted tho, always lived in the same area but luckily for me it's good for bisexual women. I did have to take that self discovery journey, which was a pretty rocky road, but it sounds like you're beyond that already and that mainly what you're dealing with is in-between logistics. I think you're on track with getting yourself stabilized financially before making any moves. Likewise I'd secure a job wherever you're going before you go - last thing you want to do is move somewhere and have no way to pay the rent. Plus big picture hon you have plenty of time. I know it's lonely in your situation atm but you'll make it, and when you get to the other side you'll be proud of yourself for doing it.

[Elena_EvilEye]

I can't give you much advice from experience but I will say stay strong and be confident in yourself and you will find a partner, such a shame you broke up with your boyfriend, good looking women like you should have a partner. I agree you need to have a serious conversation with your friend and husband and maybe there will be a chance for you and her to have a relationship.

Remember stay strong and be confident and you will become happy. I hope you do.