[ChristinaHedge]

Some people have a natural aversion to therapy and if he has this aversion, it is unlikely the session will magically transform everything. You may be open to it. He clearly is not. It may work for you and I do not think for him. If he has said "No" then I think you have to surmise he knows his own mind and trying to suggest it otherwise or infer a maybe or trick him into a commitment is simply not rational. I know it is not a time where you want to be mindful of these things and you are feeling terrible but if a person decides something you have to at least consider they had reasons behind their decision.

[effy2014]

Some people have a natural aversion to therapy and if he has this aversion, it is unlikely the session will magically transform everything. You may be open to it. He clearly is not. It may work for you and I do not think for him. If he has said "No" then I think you have to surmise he knows his own mind and trying to suggest it otherwise or infer a maybe or trick him into a commitment is simply not rational. I know it is not a time where you want to be mindful of these things and you are feeling terrible but if a person decides something you have to at least consider they had reasons behind their decision.

There is nothing magical about therapy and it does take hard work on both sides for therapy to work. However, if not therapy for them, then what? He will not communicate or compromise with her at all now. If Calibri bends to his "natural aversion to therapy", the relationship will be over because nothing will ever get better. To me, the only rational choice is to get him to try therapy by whatever means necessary. Once there, a good therapist might be able to get him to open up a bit.

[calibri~]

I'm replying to a comment that Effy made in another thread of mine here:

"Why not share here who you were, what you wanted in life"

OK. Now I have had a few lovely days with my crazy family and got a chance to relax and shake off the unnecessary negativity and cobwebs.

Let me tell you who I think I am (deep down) and what i want from life:

I am usually down-to-earth and calm about life with episodes of fanciful escapism - drifting off into imaginary worlds, falling into stories and painting and songs, and wallowing in the luxury of expression and connection to the artist / writer etc. I am a secret romantic, I fall in love too easily (platonically or romantically) and am loyal to a fault - I will do almost anything to make someone I care about smile. I can be silly and sarcastic but also painfully blunt at times. I am comfortable with my body, lifestyle and personality. If I am attacked or hurt in any way, I have a tendancy towards aggression and (usually) deftly deal assertively with possible situations that put me at a disadvantage. I am impatient and have a very short attention span for most things, but at times my fascination with certain topics can border on monomania. I'm intelligent and educated but have a terrible memory. I like to be creative and to help others. I'd rather live with animals and books than humans, and I will kick your derriere if you hurt someone I care about.

In my life I want to:
be healthy
be happy
minimise stress
be accepted
be respected (for work and integrity)
be financially comfortable (ie can afford bills etc)
be loved
be trusted
to have someone(s) that I can accept, trust, respect, love
be somewhat independent
travel to new but not dangerous places
spend as much time as possible with animals
sleep well and wake up refreshed
be proud of the work and art that I produce

[jen1447]

Tell us more about your art when you have a chance cali. I love the idea of that being a regular part of people's lives.

[calibri~]

I write poetry, and make pencil drawings and watercolours. Some of them are ok. I posted them on a blog of mine for fun...except the more abstract / personal paintings, they are currently private (I'd be horrified if someone stole them, but if one of my horse or animal paintings get plagiarised its not the end of the world). I also have a 5-foot wide oil painting of my eye in the centre of a storm that I did when I was still at school . My most accomplished art is probably of horses, but my most treasured is the other stuff - the faeries, the monsters, the nightmares etc.

[calibri~]

Some people have a natural aversion to therapy and if he has this aversion, it is unlikely the session will magically transform everything. ...... if a person decides something you have to at least consider they had reasons behind their decision.

Good Lord! Christina, I've been with this guy for about 10 years, do you truly think I am expecting magical miracles from therapy? I might be away with the faeries some of the time, but there are limits! We need to find a way to improve communication or things are going to have to end. I do not doubt that people have reasons that influence their decisions (otherwise decision-making would simply be arbitrary), but acknowledging that people HAVE reasons and agreeing that those reasons are valid, appropriate or reasonable is another matter.

What would you do in my position then after accepting that he doesnt want to change, go to therapy, or break up?

ps i think it is rather ridiculous that some people decide that they don't like something without trying it. lets say SO has decided therapy wont work for him....how does he know?

[jen1447]

I write poetry, and make pencil drawings and watercolours. Some of them are ok. I posted them on a blog of mine for fun...except the more abstract / personal paintings, they are currently private (I'd be horrified if someone stole them, but if one of my horse or animal paintings get plagiarised its not the end of the world). I also have a 5-foot wide oil painting of my eye in the centre of a storm that I did when I was still at school . My most accomplished art is probably of horses, but my most treasured is the other stuff - the faeries, the monsters, the nightmares etc.

You can always register copyright or just declare it on your blog with the work. Declaring gives you some small measure of protection, but registering (while not needed to own copyright) can give you a hammer if someone actually steals your work.

It might seem frivolous, but BF had a good rationale for doing it (he does music) - if you're going to do it seriously, you should take yourself seriously, and if you take yourself seriously you might as well publish if even if no one reads/listens/views, and if you publish it in that context then you might as well protect yourself accordingly. If nothing else, you can at least look to yourself and others like something more than a hobbyist. BF's an amateur (technically - doesn't make a living at it), but if people marginalize his efforts, as some people always seem inclined to do when others 'do' while they don't, he can say he's published several copyrighted works. It's hard to say someone who does that "isn't serious."

[calibri~]

well I have already plastered a watermarked copyright with my name over the centre of each picture. Maybe I'll make those pics public then....

I can say that I have sold some of my paintings....(but don't ask me how much I got for them!)

[jen1447]

There you go!

[effy2014]

ps i think it is rather ridiculous that some people decide that they don't like something without trying it. lets say SO has decided therapy wont work for him....how does he know?

For people who are always certain of the logic, correctness and ethics of each and every decision they make, therapy is a daunting task. First, they have to reveal "feelings" -- something many men have been hiding for years. Second, there is a huge risk that a neutral third party may question his or her actions. Lots to fear in therapy.