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Am I with the wrong guy....or is it me?

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  • I'm sorry for the loss you're suffering. How long ago did your son pass away?
    It's a good idea to share such details when soliciting advice of strangers, so we have a fuller scope.

    I think my thoughts still ring true tho'. I think if you're depressed you need less drama and need to take back control of your life and those allowed to share your life, to make sure they're positive influences.

    Seeking some grief counseling is a good idea too. Best of luck dear.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Janessa Sanders View Post
      Thank you for responding, the only thing I will say is that I realize that it is hard to comment when you do not know me as an individual. It is easy to pass judgment. I already mentioned that I made a mistake, but I will not describe myself an irresponsible person unworthy of the love of a good guy, just because I did not handle this important business. Lets keep this in perspective. This had been a difficult time for me as I have been grieving a loss of my son, so yes, I was a bit depressed as well and did not feel like dealing with the DMV.
      I have to agree with Kitty, on this none of us knew about the passing of your son. That could be the issue of forgetting about your DMV issues along with others things. My self I feel for you in your lost, and to say have you seek some kind of therapy to deal with these issue you are going through now.
      When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

      Comment


      • Sorry to hear about your child, that answers the question about why you might not have had your priorities and life in order. Please do not confuse being asked to take responsibility with being blamed. The brief picture of this guy that you have painted is pretty bleak..what do you love about him?
        “...choose to believe in your own myth
        your own glamour
        your own spell
        a young woman who does this
        (even if she is just pretending)
        has everything....”
        ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

        Comment


        • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
          I'm sorry for the loss you're suffering. How long ago did your son pass away?
          It's a good idea to share such details when soliciting advice of strangers, so we have a fuller scope.

          I think my thoughts still ring true tho'. I think if you're depressed you need less drama and need to take back control of your life and those allowed to share your life, to make sure they're positive influences.

          Seeking some grief counseling is a good idea too. Best of luck dear.
          Thank you. I left the issues surrounding my son out because it is something that I do not like to think about, and I wanted to keep this thread focused on the less traumatic dilemma of my relationship problems. But I understand when you say that it gives a better perspective of my state of mind.
          Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have...

          Comment


          • I too am sorry for your loss. In my view, it magnifies the problems with your BF. If you can't count in him to carry most if the load when you are grieving, then he really is the wrong man in your life.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

            Comment


            • Just in terms of practical considerations, it seems to me that this is the current scenario -

              - Your driver's license is expired.
              - His driver's license may or may not be suspended. (Did it get suspended for being caught driving the unregistered car, or did he just get tickets? Usually there's some consequence.)
              - Your car's registration is expired and it's in impound, accruing fees each day. (The police don't store cars indefinitely, and not for free.)
              - His car's registration is expired, and the repo man is looking for it.

              All this means that you and possibly him aren't fit (legally) to operate the cars, and that neither car is street legal (with the one in impound). That means you shouldn't be using them at all.

              I'd suggest you prioritize like so -

              - Renew your driver's license so you can get your car out of impound and drive lawfully.
              - Get the impounded car out asap, because that's costing you the most each day. (You should actually be able to prove your identity with something other than a driver's license, so if at all possible, do this first.)
              - Get your car's registration up to date so it's street legal. Your BF got caught operating it, not you, so your record should be clean.
              - Now you can drive yourself to and from work.
              - Let the BF worry about his own car's registration, his driver's license (if suspended - he'll likely not be able to renew for a set period or until fines are paid if so), the repo man, and how he gets to work. If he insists on driving an unregistered car around (on a potentially suspended license), have nothing to do with that.
              - Optional - get a new BF. He sounds like an anchor. You're doing things to get ahead and he's slowing you down.

              Good luck.
              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

              Comment


              • Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
                Sorry to hear about your child, that answers the question about why you might not have had your priorities and life in order. Please do not confuse being asked to take responsibility with being blamed. The brief picture of this guy that you have painted is pretty bleak..what do you love about him?
                Thank you for your condolences. I felt that I took responsibility, that is why I included my own errors in my posting. I honestly just wanted to know if this relationship was worth salvaging. I realize that it is hard to get advice from strangers, because they often just point out the worst in you. But anyway that leads me to why I love him. I love him because I am a reclusive type of person and I do not retain friendships easily because honestly, I do not want to be hurt by another person's words or actions. I can't take all of the backstabbing that occurs when socializing with other people. Also I moved away from all of my family about a decade ago, with my now ex-husband. So I am now alone, other than my boyfriend and my two remaining children. My boyfriend is very affectionate towards me. He spends a lot of time with me and seems to genuinely love me. That is what I am looking for. His problems though are that he is an alcoholic who right now can not keep a job or contribute financially. But honestly, he held his previous job at the school district for 14 years, so I know he is capable of holding down work. Its just that his ex wife could not let go of him, and knowing of his drinking problem, kept calling his job to tell them that he is drunk at work. Well, he's an alcoholic, so if they test him often enough, they will find alcohol, and that is what happened. I love him, I do not want to be all alone, but I want peace and I want life to be normal again.
                Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have...

                Comment


                • When I was in my horrible first marriage, I did see a marriage counsellor (one time) and at her suggestion I went to an al-anon meeting. The one thing that sticks in my mind, was the marriage counsellor asked me one question and that was "what did I want out of life". My reply was "peace" in my life. After I said that they said perhaps I could find the peace I needed by attending the Al Anon sessions. When I went to the Al Anon session the driving mantra was that they could teach me how to live with an alcoholic.

                  After I thought about this for a while my thought pattern was: "Was I going to find peace living with an alcoholic? Did I want to learn to live with an Alcohol? and finally did I want to learn coping skills so that Me and my children could live with an alcoholic?

                  When I put it to myself in such a succinct series of questions, I realized that all the change was on my shoulders. My reply to myself was "I didn't want to live with an alcoholic, I didn't need to learn coping skills that I'd teach to my children and that I'd never find the peace I desired by staying in the relationship.

                  You may have to strike out on your own in order to find the life and the peace in your life and to be normal once again.
                  That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                  Comment


                  • Its' true that you owned up for what had been mishandled, perhaps my initial comments were unnecessary. The only person ho can tell you if your relatinship is worth salvaging is YOU. I hope that you don't feel that people here are just pointing out the worst in you...there is a very supportive community here but if you only give part of the story it is difficult to make appropriate comments.
                    Ok so his good points are: He is affectionate, he seems to love you and give you time and attention.
                    his downfalls incude: acts and thinks selfishly, he is an alcoholic, he is not able to hold down a job.

                    From this I am confused as to whether, in your opinion, he treats you well becasue in an earlier post you said you were upset becasue you dont think that he takes care of you. If you feel that he is on average, not treating you well, then is affection really a good enough reason to keep him in your life?

                    The other things that you mentioned are in my mind, not reasons to love someone: ..because you find it difficult to keep friends is not a reason to stay together, and you say you don't want to be hurt by someone elses words or actions but if your boyfriend is not hurting you at the moment, the why are you here? May I ask why you moved away from your family? You are now in an isolated position where you probably feel a bit trapped because you have no-one else to socially rely on, and as you don't want to be alone and dont think youa re good at making and keeping acquaintances then I can see how you have stayed with him despite the problems, love or no love. You need to decide if he is giving enough to the relationship for you to keep financially bailing him out etc, and whether he is capable and / or willing to make changes so that he can offer you what you need from him.
                    clear your mind.
                    make a list of all the important things that you would look for in a happy relationship.
                    then see how many of those things he and your current relationship fulfills.
                    “...choose to believe in your own myth
                    your own glamour
                    your own spell
                    a young woman who does this
                    (even if she is just pretending)
                    has everything....”
                    ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
                      Its' true that you owned up for what had been mishandled, perhaps my initial comments were unnecessary. The only person ho can tell you if your relatinship is worth salvaging is YOU. I hope that you don't feel that people here are just pointing out the worst in you...there is a very supportive community here but if you only give part of the story it is difficult to make appropriate comments.
                      Ok so his good points are: He is affectionate, he seems to love you and give you time and attention.
                      his downfalls incude: acts and thinks selfishly, he is an alcoholic, he is not able to hold down a job.

                      From this I am confused as to whether, in your opinion, he treats you well becasue in an earlier post you said you were upset becasue you dont think that he takes care of you. If you feel that he is on average, not treating you well, then is affection really a good enough reason to keep him in your life?

                      The other things that you mentioned are in my mind, not reasons to love someone: ..because you find it difficult to keep friends is not a reason to stay together, and you say you don't want to be hurt by someone elses words or actions but if your boyfriend is not hurting you at the moment, the why are you here? May I ask why you moved away from your family? You are now in an isolated position where you probably feel a bit trapped because you have no-one else to socially rely on, and as you don't want to be alone and dont think youa re good at making and keeping acquaintances then I can see how you have stayed with him despite the problems, love or no love. You need to decide if he is giving enough to the relationship for you to keep financially bailing him out etc, and whether he is capable and / or willing to make changes so that he can offer you what you need from him.
                      clear your mind.
                      make a list of all the important things that you would look for in a happy relationship.
                      then see how many of those things he and your current relationship fulfills.
                      Hi I hope that I have found a supportive community because I have never requested advice from strangers like this before, but I was just upset and overwhelmed when I originally posted this thread. I was upset with my situation and my natural inclination probably was to try to pass some blame along to my boyfriend. So I am sure that this came across in my original post. I think that is why everyone wanted to make sure to point out my responsibility, and not put all of the blame on my boyfriend. He treats me well as far as he does not abuse me in any way, and he is attentive to me. But he is not what I am used to in a man. I am just used to the intellectual type and he is the street type. But he is super social, and gets along well with everyone. He, did not graduate high school, does not want to return to school and cannot really relate to my educational goals. He is super street savvy, has a huge supportive family.

                      I have been unsuccessfully trying to change him into a politically correct, intellectual type for the past year. He is so affectionate and attentive and I need that right now. I realize though that it is futile to try to change him. He wants to control his drinking but other than that he is happy with himself and his lifestyle.
                      Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have...

                      Comment


                      • Do you accept him the way he is, drinking and all? are you content to live this way for years together? You cannot force someone to change for you, you can't mold them into what you think is politically correct, but when you love someone and understand their needs, you will bend yourself a little so that the other can be happier, in the hope that they do the same for you. I am slightly worried that you have been trying to change him into someone who he is not, and has no intention of becoming. Perhaps it is just because that is the kind of person you expected to be with, or that others expect, but if hes perfectly happy and coasting along with you taking care of everything, then he will see no reason to change. If you need your partner to be intellectual and PC then you need to part because he will never be what you want him to be, and that's not fair on either of you. If you just need him to be himself, as he already is...then you have a chance.
                        Last edited by calibri~; 07-29-2014, 11:22 AM. Reason: typo mania
                        “...choose to believe in your own myth
                        your own glamour
                        your own spell
                        a young woman who does this
                        (even if she is just pretending)
                        has everything....”
                        ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Janessa Sanders View Post
                          Hi I hope that I have found a supportive community because I have never requested advice from strangers like this before, but I was just upset and overwhelmed when I originally posted this thread. I was upset with my situation and my natural inclination probably was to try to pass some blame along to my boyfriend. So I am sure that this came across in my original post. I think that is why everyone wanted to make sure to point out my responsibility, and not put all of the blame on my boyfriend. He treats me well as far as he does not abuse me in any way, and he is attentive to me. But he is not what I am used to in a man. I am just used to the intellectual type and he is the street type. But he is super social, and gets along well with everyone. He, did not graduate high school, does not want to return to school and cannot really relate to my educational goals. He is super street savvy, has a huge supportive family.

                          I have been unsuccessfully trying to change him into a politically correct, intellectual type for the past year. He is so affectionate and attentive and I need that right now. I realize though that it is futile to try to change him. He wants to control his drinking but other than that he is happy with himself and his lifestyle.
                          Define abuse. It comes in many forms.
                          That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Claret View Post
                            Define abuse. It comes in many forms.
                            physical, mental, sexual
                            My boyfriend does NOT abuse me. That is not what this is about.
                            Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have...

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
                              Do you accept him the way he is, drinking and all? are you content to live this way for years together? You cannot force someone to change for you, you can't mold them into what you think is politically correct, but when you love someone and understand their needs, you will bend yourself a little so that the other can be happier, in the hope that they do the same for you. I am slightly worried that you have been trying to change him into someone who he is not, and has no intention of becoming. Perhaps it is just because that is the kind of person you expected to be with, or that others expect, but if hes perfectly happy and coasting along with you taking care of everything, then he will see no reason to change. If you need your partner to be intellectual and PC then you need to part because he will never be what you want him to be, and that's not fair on either of you. If you just need him to be himself, as he already is...then you have a chance.
                              I agree, I cannot change him, I should not have even tried. I am just speaking honestly so that I can get relevant responses. I was used to a certain type of man. As a matter of fact, when I first met him I was totally turned off by him, but over time I was won over by his attentiveness. He can be embarrassing though because he is very loud and lets things come out of his mouth that are better left unsaid. Those are the things that I have been trying to change. He was raised in a different type of culture than I was. Less reserved and more free spirited.
                              Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have...

                              Comment


                              • I am not sure what response will be relevant to you. No one but you can answer your question.

                                You need to prioritize was is truly important to you and decide if your boyfriend can provide it to you. On one side, you value being taken care of. Someone who will anticipate your needs and take care of the ones that are difficult for you. You value someone who can add to the family finances and who is more intellectual. You want a peaceful home that is not full of drama. You will find none of those with your current BF.

                                On the other side, you appear to like a bit of drama in your life. Opposites often attract, albeit for the wrong reasons. You want the extrovert in him to compensate for the introvert in you. He has family, which you have run away from. He is more attentive than the other "more stable" men that have been in your life. He appears not to intrude on the decision making in your own life, which you view as both a plus and a minus. And you may like the co-dependency that often comes from being with an alcoholic.

                                Rank order what you need and want. Decide which ones he meets and which ones he can't satisfy. If you are honest with yourself, the answer will be on the paper.
                                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                                Comment

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