[Janessa Sanders]

Concerning working as a team and caring and supporting one another in our relationship, I believe that my boyfriend acts and thinks selfishly. I need your advice… The first two paragraphs provide background needed to gain a proper perspective; the final paragraph is what I need advice on. Thanks!

We both acted neglectfully by allowing our cars’ registrations to expire. I was driving his car and he was driving mine. His car was much nicer than mine, but is in potential repo status due to a bankruptcy in default…long story, mine was paid for. He kept saying he wanted to take care of getting the emissions inspections required to get the cars registered. I inwardly kept hoping that he would, because I did not want to do it and categorized it to be “a man job” anyway. I am a 38-year-old University student and I work as a secretary at a public elementary school. I procrastinated, and spent money on unnecessary things instead of making sure that my car was registered.

So here we are, it is summer, my car (which he was primarily driving) was towed, and we could not pay to get it out of tow before the deadline. I did not work a summer school job this year, as I typically do, in order to focus on some very challenging course work. Also we just moved, (which I had to pay ALL moving expenses) we had not completely unpacked the car. I lost some important belongings inside of the car, because you are required to show I.D. to claim belongings from a towed vehicle. I allowed my drivers license to expire and do not have the money to renew. Since I have am out of work this summer and did not budget well for this move. But once again, I thought that I could depend on him for some financial care, especially since I have been very giving and financially caring with him since he originally lost his job. We both worked for the school district, he was worked in the Facilities & Maintenance department. It was excellent pay considering his earning potential), He was terminated for being caught drunk at work for the second time, even though he was suspended and sternly warned after the first occurrence.

I realize that I have responsibility here for being a procrastinator and not handling my personal business relating the car registration and my driver license renewal. But my concern is that I go back to work on this Friday, and I just found out that there is no bus transportation to a job that he is currently going through a hiring process for and will start any day. He just had to quit his previous job last week because it was an hour away and he kept getting stopped for driving an unregistered vehicle. I start back to work in a few days, and once I questioned him about how we will work out transportation, he indicated that will be using our one remaining car and I do not have a way home from work, (I am guessing that he can take me to work since his new job will be second shift). I would take the bus home but he did not factor bus fare into his budget. So I am upset, I am upset because I do not think that he takes care of me. I have only been on my unpaid summer vacation for one month and he cannot hold things down for this one month so that I can concentrate on my studies.

Am I wrong???

[Claret]

You are both being extremely irresponsible and probably blaming one another for your troubles. A bankruptcy, a repossession, a tow, 38 years old and still you blame it all on him, you said you spent money on things you shouldn't have instead of maintaining your license. How many more thumps across the head and shoulders will it take before you shake your head and get a clue. If he was caught drinking on the job it stands to reason that he was probably drinking prior to him going to work, that means he was driving your car while under the influence. How many years do you have in order to pay a multi-million dollar judgement if he gets in an accident while driving your car which by the way I'm going to assume it's not insured, not that it would matter if he was under the influence anyway.

What course of studies are you in? I think you need to get a good paying job (as does he) get your affairs in order and then think about going back to school.

[calibri~]

Well it seems that the pair of you have been quite irresponsible and probably blame each other. So in answer to your initial question I think it's your man AND you that have got yourselves in this situation. I don't mean to be rude, but if the car is necessary for one or other of you to get to a job, then keeping your license, registration, tax and insurance uptodate is essential. I can't quite grasp why you spent money on other things than this. It was YOUR car, so YOU are the one who should have sorted the registration. If your financial situation is that dire then I agree with claret;now is not the time to study and buy unnecessary things if you cannot afford them. You need to take stock and responsibility for your finances as a couple. I hope your guy has dealt with his drinking problem because if he can't hold down a job, then you are in an awkward situation.you guys need to talk logistics about cars and busses etc. Bear in mind your remaining car could be repossessed,so both having jobs that are accessible by bus would be a good idea....

May I ask if your boyfriends license and registration are up to date?

[jen1447]

I'm curious why you were driving each other's cars (and how you got stuck with the repo car).

[Janessa Sanders]

Can I just say that I am in my senior year in school preparing to graduate, so why would I drop out to get my financial affairs in order. I am a ten month employee, so the summer is a hard time for me, plus the reason that I am going to school is so that I can pursue a better paying career. So I do not understand the "get your affairs in order and then think about going back to school". It makes no sense, education can open opportunities that are currently not available to me.

[Janessa Sanders]

The bankruptcy was something he filed while still married to his ex wife. I was not a part of it. We have been together only 1 year (he moved in with me after losing his job). I would not necessarily agree with you that we are blaming each other, I was just asking for some advice.Yes, I had car insurance.

[Claret]

In pointing out all of the negatives in your relationship I was merely trying to point out that this is not all his fault. You have ownership in much of the "bad luck" that the two of you have gone through (going through). Responsible persons don't allow their cars to be driven by another and not have the where-with-all to pay to get it out of impound. However it was your responsibility to ensure that the car registration was up-to-date and your responsibility to ensure that your license is paid for prior to purchasing items you didn't need.

You now are discussing you using the remaining car to get to and from work - how can you drive - your license hasn't been renewed and you can't afford to renew it? Is this car registered and insured?

Are you with the wrong guy? Maybe, but also; maybe he's with the wrong girl, you seem to be feeding off of each other and it's not good from what I see.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He went bankrupt to ensure he didn't have to pay anything to his wife, I assume. Does he have children?

In one year, he's taken over your car, won't pay for anything, I'm sure you "hoped" that you wouldn't be pulled over and would organise the license for the car before being caught but you already know that was irresponsible and he is irresponsible as well.

Sounds as if you are saying, " I own my car, I keep working and I study and I paid for the move". "He went bankrupt, uses my car, I have to find my own way to places, never helped me, gets drunk, loses his jobs, takes on jobs and uses me, via my car, never pays for anything oh and did I say he was bankrupt? "

So what are you asking?

That you were irresponsible and we need to look past that.

Are you with a loser who is just tagging along, using you, will never be responsible and is he creating debts for you because you are trying to buy his love without realising or realising and not being responsible just like him so should you stay with him? Will he change? Will he support me?

No.

I don't believe that he will.

You need to always look after yourself, no one is going to do it for you.. And, after that what you choose to do with your money is up to you. If the other person never contributes and takes and takes, well I know exactly what that would tell me.

[effy2014]

Janessa:

Let me answer your question without assessing blame. If you are looking for a man to take care of you or even contribute substantially to you financially, you clearly have the wrong man. He has not shown himself to be at all responsible either with money or his job -- drinking on the job and getting fired after a stern warning. Hoping that he will is simply not reality.

[Claret]

I too am not ascribing blame to either one. I think it just a bad combination and until they figure out who is responsible for what and who is accountable and for what, how do they go about fixing it?