I have been having some sort of problems in my marriage. I think my husband is a bully, and I hate bullies. Before reading an excerpt of edit link not allowed on this site I didn't know am a bully too. Apparently I am a "Silent treatment" and a "Body language" bully, while my husband is a "Control freak" and a bit of a "Rage" bully. Because mine never results in violence (actually, I avoid him just to have my peace, not necessarily to get him to do anything), and I actually run away from violence, I didn't know my avoidance of it is a problem too. So now the story:
About 2 months after we started living together (after the traditional and court marriage), he violently reacted to me for the first time, actually nobody has ever jumped on me before like they were gonna hit me. But he did. I believe what saved the day that day was that I kept quiet.
Fast forward to after the wedding (church wedding), if there is a big argument and things get heated up, he threatens me with words like “teaching me a lesson”, “pouncing on me”, “giving it to me hot”. I more often than not responded by keeping mute. I have told him that if he ever hits me, that will be the end of the marriage. Although he said he will never do that, I never believed him because I know it’s just time. He always rationalised his behaviour by saying I was being disrespectful, I am stubborn, I never listen, I never like being corrected etc. I always tried to tell him that he can’t control me or anybody but just himself. And anytime he tries to exert his control, all I can do is be more stubborn because as I mentioned earlier, I hate to be bullied. After each of these incidents, and recall into myself and give the silent treatment and mind my own space.
So few days ago, we got into an argument about my texting him during the day that I want us to improve our marriage and have it better by spending more quality time together, giving each other undivided attention etc. He said it’s all about my “wants” and that I have to separate my perceptions from practical issue and started talking nasty. I decided there is nothing for us to discuss and continued cooking. Again, i gave the silent treatment and recoiled to myself so there will be no further arguments.
When I was done cooking, I served his food and mine. Invited him and then ate myself when he wasn’t coming and left the table. He came and started eating, as I was about to go upstairs, he ordered me to take the serving plates to the kitchen. I ignored him because his tone was very rude. He finishes eating, comes upstairs and asked if I wasn’t the one he was talking to. I said I don’t know since it sounded like he was talking to his maid (house help). He said he was talking to me and that I should go clear the table. I told him to either clear it himself or leave it there as am not his maid. That’s when he descended on me with his fists and dragging me off the bed. I defended myself so he probably didn’t do as much damage as he intended. So it was more like him hitting me and dragging me up and me restraining and fighting back and tried to free myself. He finally gave up. I cleared and did the dishes before going to bed though.
Now, the only part he seems to remember is my hitting him, and I told him i was defending myself. Honestly I don't know what I was expected to do: Keep quiet like a lamb to be slaughtered and have him drag me off the bed and down the stairs? Am not sure but the reflex I had was to hit back. I can't even remember my hitting him as I was mostly trying to get him off me. At one time I wanted to bite his hand but I restrained myself. Am now disappointed in myself for stooping to same level as him.
Before marriage I have told myself that I will leave any man that tries to hit me and I told him that if he hits me the marriage will be over. Unfortunately it's easier said than done.
Do you have any advice on how we can manage this?
I must add that whenever I go into my recoiled mode, he flares up more.
I guess I need help in managing my emotions and kill the bully in me since I can only change myself. As for him, he doesn't believe he has a problem since am too stubborn and provoke him. I suggested marriage counseling and he said the best help is self help. So all I can do now is help myself to be a better person.
If you have read all these, thanks for sticking through
About 2 months after we started living together (after the traditional and court marriage), he violently reacted to me for the first time, actually nobody has ever jumped on me before like they were gonna hit me. But he did. I believe what saved the day that day was that I kept quiet.
Fast forward to after the wedding (church wedding), if there is a big argument and things get heated up, he threatens me with words like “teaching me a lesson”, “pouncing on me”, “giving it to me hot”. I more often than not responded by keeping mute. I have told him that if he ever hits me, that will be the end of the marriage. Although he said he will never do that, I never believed him because I know it’s just time. He always rationalised his behaviour by saying I was being disrespectful, I am stubborn, I never listen, I never like being corrected etc. I always tried to tell him that he can’t control me or anybody but just himself. And anytime he tries to exert his control, all I can do is be more stubborn because as I mentioned earlier, I hate to be bullied. After each of these incidents, and recall into myself and give the silent treatment and mind my own space.
So few days ago, we got into an argument about my texting him during the day that I want us to improve our marriage and have it better by spending more quality time together, giving each other undivided attention etc. He said it’s all about my “wants” and that I have to separate my perceptions from practical issue and started talking nasty. I decided there is nothing for us to discuss and continued cooking. Again, i gave the silent treatment and recoiled to myself so there will be no further arguments.
When I was done cooking, I served his food and mine. Invited him and then ate myself when he wasn’t coming and left the table. He came and started eating, as I was about to go upstairs, he ordered me to take the serving plates to the kitchen. I ignored him because his tone was very rude. He finishes eating, comes upstairs and asked if I wasn’t the one he was talking to. I said I don’t know since it sounded like he was talking to his maid (house help). He said he was talking to me and that I should go clear the table. I told him to either clear it himself or leave it there as am not his maid. That’s when he descended on me with his fists and dragging me off the bed. I defended myself so he probably didn’t do as much damage as he intended. So it was more like him hitting me and dragging me up and me restraining and fighting back and tried to free myself. He finally gave up. I cleared and did the dishes before going to bed though.
Now, the only part he seems to remember is my hitting him, and I told him i was defending myself. Honestly I don't know what I was expected to do: Keep quiet like a lamb to be slaughtered and have him drag me off the bed and down the stairs? Am not sure but the reflex I had was to hit back. I can't even remember my hitting him as I was mostly trying to get him off me. At one time I wanted to bite his hand but I restrained myself. Am now disappointed in myself for stooping to same level as him.
Before marriage I have told myself that I will leave any man that tries to hit me and I told him that if he hits me the marriage will be over. Unfortunately it's easier said than done.
Do you have any advice on how we can manage this?
I must add that whenever I go into my recoiled mode, he flares up more.
I guess I need help in managing my emotions and kill the bully in me since I can only change myself. As for him, he doesn't believe he has a problem since am too stubborn and provoke him. I suggested marriage counseling and he said the best help is self help. So all I can do now is help myself to be a better person.
If you have read all these, thanks for sticking through
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