[CHANDLERS WISH]

But shouldn't that be the time that you walk up to the said man, with a smile of pride and put your arm around your girl and say "hi" to the guy? If you feel proud of men hitting on your woman what you also want is to know that she is yours without fear. Perhaps she was asking you as others have said, to step up there instead of hiding, instead of insinuating.

You sound as if you have some "confidence" but also a lot of insecurity which she has also pointed out to you.

If you are constantly going to doubt and not let go, then yes let her go because you aren't going to jump this at all.

Alternatively, let this all go and concentrate on making the relationship work between you both, gain more confidence and next time walk up to the guy and smile.

[effy2014]

Thanks so much for this. She keeps telling me "im not as bothered as you are because i know the guy didn't mean anything to me". yet you say yourself there that after only meeting him for a few mins she's willing to go on a date with him on her birthday...
She said she was trying to hook him up with her sister at the bar, and she told him she had a boyfriend.
Yet she tells him "i wish we'd met without people being there for sure". whats she saying would have happened then? ugh. We're back talking now.
Do i just ditch this girl, is she gonna put me in situations like that again?

No one can answer this question except you. I just think that you miss the point. He clearly didn't think that he had a chance with her . . . HE never contacted her again. If he was that awestruck and she was that interested, why no exchange of information? I don't think that she was out to get laid by the new guy. The worst against her is that she might have met him for her birthday.

What was your agreement while the two of you were apart? Could she go out? Was she supposed to be alone?

If you are going to have a real relationship with her you need to be in the same city for some period of time.

[JasonParkins]

No one can answer this question except you. I just think that you miss the point. He clearly didn't think that he had a chance with her . . . HE never contacted her again. If he was that awestruck and she was that interested, why no exchange of information? I don't think that she was out to get laid by the new guy. The worst against her is that she might have met him for her birthday.

What was your agreement while the two of you were apart? Could she go out? Was she supposed to be alone?

If you are going to have a real relationship with her you need to be in the same city for some period of time.

Thats the thing.
1) she said to him "You were yummy and cute and i YEAH i wish we'd met without my family there for sure haha " (not mentioning me was because i'd asked her you're single etc right? and she didn't answer).
She was flying home the next day, meaning if she was out with her gf's etc and the same scenario happened, he'd have been back in her hotel room with her. I mean it would be the only time they had together as she was flying 4 hours away the next day.
2) then in the email aswell i he said "i'll be where you are in a few weeks" and she immediately said "it's my birthday in a few weeks you might get a second chance ".
Again, he'd only be there for 1 day, it's her brithday. So what was she gonna do, go on a nice date with him and say see ya! thanks for dinner and drinks? no, it's her birthday and he's only there for 1 night. = sex in my mind. There's 2 nights in the year a woman wants a man in her bed for sure (this is a fact) Her Birthday, and New years eve. Both scenario's because they'd only be 1 time meetins = my girlfriend would have ended up having sex with this man in my mind.

She's telling me she depressed and down and know's she f**cked up and would never do anything like that again. So i said "you didn't f**ck up, you just showed me who you really are and it's not something im prepared to worry about everytime you go out without me. If you'd do this and be so attracted to the FIRST guy who approached you while i was STANDING NEXT TO YOU... what's it gonna be like when you're out having an amazing time with your gf's and some absolutely beautiful charming guy comes up to you and you have no risk of getting caught". Again.. if she'd do that infront of me...

[JasonParkins]

But shouldn't that be the time that you walk up to the said man, with a smile of pride and put your arm around your girl and say "hi" to the guy? If you feel proud of men hitting on your woman what you also want is to know that she is yours without fear. Perhaps she was asking you as others have said, to step up there instead of hiding, instead of insinuating.

You sound as if you have some "confidence" but also a lot of insecurity which she has also pointed out to you.

If you are constantly going to doubt and not let go, then yes let her go because you aren't going to jump this at all.

Alternatively, let this all go and concentrate on making the relationship work between you both, gain more confidence and next time walk up to the guy and smile.

Can i ask you a question. Do i always have to swoop in and prove my alpha male status everytime she's vulnerable to some good lookin guy? what if im not there?

[effy2014]

Jason --

Humans are not infallible. She screwed up, but only because you baited her. Otherwise her only indiscretion was talking to another guy while you were there. Those are the facts. The rest has been completely fabricated in your mind. All women want to get laid on New Years Eve and their birthday? Seriously?

There are lots of reasons for you not to be in a relationship with her. In your case, the most important one is that long distance relationships are incredibly difficult. Indeed, long distance relationships are probably impossible unless there is a solid foundation before becoming long distance. You two didn't have that foundation in real time.

You can't have a relationship without trust and you don't trust her. If you can't get past this event, you will never trust her. Based on the level of your anger and refusal to accept her apologies, forgiveness will not happen. Break it off and move on. Find someone local who does not have a flirty personality. My last piece of advice is not to sabotage your next relationship with fraudulent emails.

[Claret]

Jason, without going back throughout all the previous posts -- I believe you stated you were in your mid thirties, is this correct? If so I need to ask whether or not you have had serious relationships previously? If you did how long did they last? Why did they not last? And, lastly do you have difficulties with obsessions in other areas of your life? I ask because this is obsessive compulsive behaviour at it's clinical best and you are doing everything within your power to assert that you are correct, that you are the wronged party and that the fault lies all with her. You don't seem to be able to accept that anything your have done escalated her behaviour, or that you set her up. You are focusing so intently upon some random written words and you are taking them to mean perhaps more than they really did.

The personality your are exhibiting to us fits the profile of someone with OCD or anxiety or some similar ailment.

I'm saying this in the kindest way possible and mean no affront to you, but perhaps you could benefit from leaving this girl alone and maybe you could get into some therapy or counselling to deal with these issues.

[JasonParkins]

Jason --

Humans are not infallible. She screwed up, but only because you baited her. Otherwise her only indiscretion was talking to another guy while you were there. Those are the facts. The rest has been completely fabricated in your mind. All women want to get laid on New Years Eve and their birthday? Seriously?

There are lots of reasons for you not to be in a relationship with her. In your case, the most important one is that long distance relationships are incredibly difficult. Indeed, long distance relationships are probably impossible unless there is a solid foundation before becoming long distance. You two didn't have that foundation in real time.

You can't have a relationship without trust and you don't trust her. If you can't get past this event, you will never trust her. Based on the level of your anger and refusal to accept her apologies, forgiveness will not happen. Break it off and move on. Find someone local who does not have a flirty personality. My last piece of advice is not to sabotage your next relationship with fraudulent emails.

All of this is out of character for me.
I've been in 2 previous long term relationships with girls who i had complete trust in, they both had alot of guy friends from college, and the last one even had her guy friends over for beers and movies etc when i was away as company. never bothered me as i could see when i got back or when she saw me the love in that girls eyes. and the fact she'd be texting me even when she was sitting with other guys.
I'd never do anything like that email. But the fact is, i did it, she failed the test. So im thinking "she messed up". is that the only time she'll ever mess up with another man in our relationship? i don't know.
Im not compulsive, or obsessive. but with this girl, the way she acted and made me feel has turned me into this .. im willing to give it another go, she knows what i did, but she still won't admit she was attracted to the guy etc, when obviously she was otherwise why smile at him like that and flirt with him all night while im there, and then why offering to meet him on her birthday and telling him he's hot etc.

Thank you guys So much for your help on this. Im gonna give it a go. Here's what i said to her.
"I don't want you to change who you are, you're naturally a friendly and kind of flirty person, thats completely fine, i just don't want you to do it so directly when im standing next to you so much that a guy would look at me like im an *******, when you're out with your friends you can do whatever you want in how you talk or act around people as i know it's fun to flirt and tease etc, i do it myself, but my biggest fear is being belittled infront of other men". Basically a guy thinking "i'd be banging your woman if you weren't here dude" with that cheesey grin.

Ill give it a go with her, but if she does something stupid again, i'll break it off.
I promise all the stuff i did is kinda out of character for me, but i was so shocked at how she did the exact opposite of what she always told me she did infront of me and her family i had to know... i had to know.

[effy2014]

I wish you two the best of luck. Your eyes are wide open not only to her but to your own actions as well.

[JasonParkins]

I wish you two the best of luck. Your eyes are wide open not only to her but to your own actions as well.

Ugh i don't know if i can do it. She woke up and called me as i'd asked her to. it was about 11pm where she is. We were saying how much we missed eachother and how much we want it to work, and then i heard a text come through on her phone. She kinda went quiet for a sec. I asked who would text her that late, and she said "i dunno cant see it yet" it's happened a couple of times before in the night. She said "i text so and so before i called you so it's probably her". im so paranoid of her now.
It's possible it's another guy. It seems every time we speak on the phone day or night she gets a text, even when it's really late. at one stage is was 2am, and she said it was her mother.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Can i ask you a question. Do i always have to swoop in and prove my alpha male status everytime she's vulnerable to some good lookin guy? what if im not there?

My answer to that? No. I think given what you wrote, it was possible she was waiting for you to state your claim "at that time". You've suggested therefore she's vulnerable. She stated you were in-secure.

I think that there needs to be more time between you two, to be more equal around each other to be honest. One should not look at the other as vulnerable and the other as in-secure. When two people are "happy" with their relationship, I think, the vulnerable is behind closed doors and there is no insecurity.