[effy2014]

Jason,

Claret asked several questions that are extremely relevant only one of which you answered. Was this an on-line and on-phone relationship until you met her in Canada for her Dad's birthday? If not, how many times (or how long) did you see her face to face before the relationship became long distance? Was she on holiday when you originally met?

It is very difficult to evaluate her actions without understanding the basis for or inception of the relationship. In a vacuum, her actions were reprehensible. You didn't need us to tell you that. Whether her expressed feelings for you were all a lie is also something we could not possibly be able to answer from the limited information we have about her. However, it is clear that she has issues with the truth.

What is clear to me is that neither of you know enough about the other to make an informed judgment about what happened in those few days you saw each other or whether you are relationship compatible or, heaven forbid, whether you should get married. Your on-line personas might be in love, but so much is filtered in a text, in an email or in a chat. The huge gaps in your knowledge of each other have been filled in with your imagination and hopefulness.

You asked Raindancer not to judge you based upon a your "one time" fraudulent email campaign but you ask us to judge her based upon what could have been stress induced bad behavior on one visit. Your conduct is highly relevant as is hers. Both of you have acted foolishly, believing that a decision on marriage could be made in 5 months through phone calls and chats. There is no substitute for face to face contact, over a significant period of time, to determine whether the two of you are in love with each other, in love with being in love or, even if in love, whether you are compatible.

There are certainly signs that the two of you should not be in a serious relationship. There are trust issues that are now probably insurmountable. Your effort to trap her in the lie was as untrustworthy as hers in falling into the trap. She doesn't appear to be in an emotional place for a serious relationship. You appear too needy for one. Without being in the same geographic place, I don't see how a reset is even possible. The unanimous conclusion is to break it off whether or not the truth is somewhere in the middle.

[JasonParkins]

Jason,

Claret asked several questions that are extremely relevant only one of which you answered. Was this an on-line and on-phone relationship until you met her in Canada for her Dad's birthday? If not, how many times (or how long) did you see her face to face before the relationship became long distance? Was she on holiday when you originally met?

It is very difficult to evaluate her actions without understanding the basis for or inception of the relationship. In a vacuum, her actions were reprehensible. You didn't need us to tell you that. Whether her expressed feelings for you were all a lie is also something we could not possibly be able to answer from the limited information we have about her. However, it is clear that she has issues with the truth.

What is clear to me is that neither of you know enough about the other to make an informed judgment about what happened in those few days you saw each other or whether you are relationship compatible or, heaven forbid, whether you should get married. Your on-line personas might be in love, but so much is filtered in a text, in an email or in a chat. The huge gaps in your knowledge of each other have been filled in with your imagination and hopefulness.

You asked Raindancer not to judge you based upon a your "one time" fraudulent email campaign but you ask us to judge her based upon what could have been stress induced bad behavior on one visit. Your conduct is highly relevant as is hers. Both of you have acted foolishly, believing that a decision on marriage could be made in 5 months through phone calls and chats. There is no substitute for face to face contact, over a significant period of time, to determine whether the two of you are in love with each other, in love with being in love or, even if in love, whether you are compatible.

There are certainly signs that the two of you should not be in a serious relationship. There are trust issues that are now probably insurmountable. Your effort to trap her in the lie was as untrustworthy as hers in falling into the trap. She doesn't appear to be in an emotional place for a serious relationship. You appear too needy for one. Without being in the same geographic place, I don't see how a reset is even possible. The unanimous conclusion is to break it off whether or not the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Doesn't matter now i was so upset with losing these 5 months and over 2000 euro to see her and put myself under alot of stress going over to meet her whole family, i was inconsolable, i got drunk, angry and mad and sent her a few abusive messages calling her a wh**re etc who'd open her legs for anyone.
I think i need to do some growing up, or maybe see a counsellor. Thanks for the feedback (which i received none about her, only about me).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know? In order to understand someone you must understand the person you are talking to so that you can try to help them piece the puzzle after all that is what you were wanting us to do.

Effy is right and both Effy and Claret spent some time writing back to you, to try to help you.

So the feedback about you was to try to work out how you may be able to handles things and how she may be thinking.

In any event. I guess after calling her that name "which" honestly, you need to lose for future from your vocabulary I doubt you will ever find out.

You said you spent $2000 euro's did you buy her gifts as well?

You didn't state how old either of you were, why you went to a Hotel Room instead of back with her Dad to their family home nor as Effy pointed out answered any of the questions.

Would you mind answering those questions that's if you want assistance for "future" on-line dating if that is what it was.

As this girl whether she was using you or not, flirty and didn't care, did like you but not enough is anyone's guess.

Please respect women though and don't call them names.

[Stillness]

Congrats on getting a glimpse of what life would be like for you if you made the mistake of marrying, buying a house with, having kids with, and starting a life with this lady.

It doesn't have to be that hard, bro.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Awee Stillness that is so true.

I hope the OP stays with us.

[Claret]

Doesn't matter now i was so upset with losing these 5 months and over 2000 euro to see her and put myself under alot of stress going over to meet her whole family, i was inconsolable, i got drunk, angry and mad and sent her a few abusive messages calling her a wh********re etc who'd open her legs for anyone.
I think i need to do some growing up, or maybe see a counsellor. Thanks for the feedback (which i received none about her, only about me).

You didn't lose the 5 months, you just didn't have them end up in the manner of which you thought they would/should. I too think calling her names didn't advance your status or cause with her or with us for that matter. You seem to want to be the injuring party and to hurt her as a form of retribution to how you feel you were hurt.

As for feedback being about you and not her -- probably true -- but it seems we've found out more about you than about her that required feedback. What you wrote told us all about you. What you wrote told us only that she was a flirt and simply not that enamored of you. What you told us about you was that you were vindictive, deceitful, and vengeful.

Did you want us to slap her on the hand and for us to tell you how bad we thought her actions were? She was never going to see or hear from us so what would that accomplish?

You are right, you have some growing to do. Use this as a life lesson and see how your behaviours perhaps contributed to the being what it is. If this life lesson cost you 2000 euros then maybe in the end it will have been worth it.

[effy2014]

Jason,

I too hope that you remain part of the community. I think the best life lesson that you learned . . . which all of us learn with age and experience . . . is that the issues in our lives are usually about us and not about the other person. The reason is obvious. We have no control over the actions, emotions and problems in others. Only ourselves. In this case, you will examine what signs you might have missed, how your dating processes should change and how better to protect yourself.

[JasonParkins]

Jason,

I too hope that you remain part of the community. I think the best life lesson that you learned . . . which all of us learn with age and experience . . . is that the issues in our lives are usually about us and not about the other person. The reason is obvious. We have no control over the actions, emotions and problems in others. Only ourselves. In this case, you will examine what signs you might have missed, how your dating processes should change and how better to protect yourself.

Ok she emailed me and said "there was no other guy, you were just using your insecurities and that guy was the perfect target. Anytime he was talking to me i kept asking you to kiss me, and i went home with you. I didn't give him any info and i don't even remember hes name? you're just projecting what you think of me, when i know exactly who i am and if you think i would have done anything with him then you will clearly never know me.

So she says this. She said that the reason she replied to hes email because he was a distraction, and it was only because we were on the rocks and she didn't know if i'd take her back. Yet in her emails to him she said this " Lol Well you won't be far in a few weeks, maybe you'll get a second chance? .
I thought you were yummy and charming and I def wish we could have met without my family there. haha"
This completely calls BS on everything she's telling me. She says she messaged him because we were on the rocks. Yet what she was telling him (remember she thought this was a real email) was that she wished me or her family weren't there when they'd met. She says "i need you in my life now more than ever" and she's giving completely contradicting stories.
I mean is it possible i read the whole situation wrong? i thought it was, but those emails are just sickeningly truthful... can i have a relationship with this woman?
Or am i right to call her out. She said i got the idea from nowhere and that i was paranoid about the guy. Yet she thinks he emails her a few days later and says he's gorgeous and wishes they'd been alone that night... so no WONDER i was paranoid?

Jesus my mind is gonna explode.

Thanks for your help guys.
By the way, we're both in our early 30's.

I'm normally a "player apparently. I got hurt in my mid 20's and closed myself off to women, i just slept with them and surrounded myself with friends in the same position. She's the first girl i opened up to in years. Im telling you, the relationship we had was amazing, she was COMPLETELY out of character the second we met up again.

[effy2014]

It's great that you responded. You provided a bit more information but I'm still curious how many times/how long you had seen each other before you traveled to Canada.

1. Both of you being in your 30s changes things a bit for me. I had assumed, from her end, that some of this was immaturity arising from stress or nervousness -- boyfriend meeting her parents, the relationship/prospective marriage becoming far more real and/or noticing things she hadn't realized or seen before about you. However, as a 30 year old, she should have been past these issues and should never have responded to the emails sober. It gives me great pause about her character.

2. The events of the evening may be open to some interpretation. She clearly has a different perspective. Permit me to speculate. She could have wanted you or needed you to be possessive that night. She wanted you to kiss her in front other men at the bar and she may have tried to set up such a scenario. Some people have a vision of what makes a perfect partner in his or her eyes. For my SO, even in her early 40s, what made her interested in me was that I kissed her the way she had always wanted to be kissed and romanced her in the precise way she had envisioned for a man.

The fact that you had been hurt before may have caused you to see things from a "here it goes again" perspective. Your vision might have been that she was to stick by you at the bar. You wrote as much to her -- don't leave me stranded. You probably wanted her to see how you interacted with her dad and would make a great husband. If not for the emails, it could have been just a misunderstanding.

3. You need her to come clean with a story consistent with the emails and give you closure. This is so difficult long distance. If she can afford it, my advice to you is to have her travel to see you for a week. See how she interacts with you on your turf. Do some face to face talking and see if the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems that you want it to work out and, even after calling her a ****, she is talking to you. She is clearly still interested in making this work.

I wish you all the best.

[Claret]

Jason, I've been giving this a great deal of thought and upon reflection you still may be in the running for this girls heart. What I'm thinking is that we can be whoever we want using the written word. We can be the personality that we wish we were, we can be the engaging person that we wish we were, we can invent or reinvent ourselves in whatever manner we want to be or wish we could be. Then when you two met in person, all of her regular personality was in the forefront. She is one way in front of her family because that is how she is expected to be. When you got to the bar, she started to reflect or project the personality she wished she was, unfortunately it backfired on her. You were expecting this honest, down to earth person and she came across as a flirt.

Is there a chance you can erase all these e-mails and such from your mind and start all over? It may be that if you ask for an honest interaction between the two of you, you'll get it.