[atskitty2]

So, I had a discussion with a friend recently. She rarely dates & claims to find nothing in common with the men she meets. I asked for more information, some detail as to what differences they have, why it's so important for a relationship. I pointed out that we've been good friends for over 10 yrs, and we actually have very little in common.

I rarely begin communications with a man in interview style, which is sometimes how men approach me. "What is your favorite food?" "... music?" "...movies?" "Do you like shopping?" etc. I can surely live with someone whose taste in music is opposed to mine, or doesn't enjoy Thai food, but what I look for in those early days is character & what type of person they may be. It matters more to me HOW they may respond to differences in opinion or different choices, than some effort to minimize the occasions that we don't like/want the same things.
I sometimes think people have a list of things, with check boxes next to them, and if you check yes to all their required traits, you're in!

So, I don't get too excited about those things. Sure, I'd like for someone to have similar interests, but really, those things are secondary for me. I would be eager to learn about something they valued if it was new for me, and I hope a man would have the same attitude toward my preferences.

Does anyone else see my point of view, agree, or disagree? I believe that building a relationship has a much more important foundation to lay than making sure we can enjoy the same food...it just isn't that important. Of course there are non-negotiables, but those cannot be determined this way.

Maybe my approach isn't appropriate either. I tend to just make conversation about whatever comes to mind at the time, or whatever they may bring up, even if it's movies or music, and learn some things about them. How they react is more indicative to me, of compatibility, than the fact that we like something different.

Most of you here are in relationships, I'm curious to hear your thoughts. What were the early discussions like for you?

[Magnetism]

Having similar interests is a plus, but I've found that they don't always follow through in a successful relationships. I had an ex that loved the same type of bands that I liked, which got me extremely excited in the beginning. We loved the same food. We hated sports. We love scary movies. We loved museums, art, books or just hanging out at coffee shops. Our personalities clashed though, where it no longer mattered if we had things in common.

The person that I'm getting to know has SOME similar interests (dining out, hiking, and writing), but he also has interests that don't match me at all. I'm okay with it, because our personalities and conversations feel so in -sync.

I'm more of a listener, so I do let my date lead the conversation. He will usually ask me what I like.

[effy2014]

I think you have to distinguish "things" in common to desired traits. I agree with Kitty that taste in music, food, movies, drinks and even politics and religion are pretty fungible to me. In fact, I would say that I tend to enjoy the differences . . . it allows me to experience things that I am not used to. Part of the journey in a relationship is also to enjoy how your partner experiences his or her favorite things and to introduce your partner to new experiences as well. In my life, I have not found happiness in cultural, socio-economic, educational or religious compatibility standing alone. I have no problem going to movies, concerts, events and religious services with my SO regardless of my personal tastes. I just enjoy being with her. Of course, I expect the same in return.

Certain traits, on the other hand, are non-negotiable and I do have a list. If the person is a taker and not a giver, nothing else matters. The ability and desire to communicate her feelings and needs is another. She has to enjoy being romanced. I have five or six others along those lines. It does take a bit of work to determine whether there is compatibility on a relationship level.

There is one commonality that is difficult to live without -- generational. It was difficult dating a woman 15 years my junior. It was eye opening how many cultural references I use on a weekly basis and how much the deer in the headlights look bothered me. Age isn't just a number. It represents life experiences and I prefer to stay within my age range.

I enjoy listening and talking. You can tell by life stories where people fit in and how compatible you are. As Kitty wrote, how people deal with differences tells a lot about them. I probably ask people about likes and dislikes, but usually for date preferences and presents. I'm pretty sneaky that way. I made the biggest impression on my SO just by listening when she offhandedly complained that the candy store near her had run out of sprinkles for the caramel apples she enjoyed.

Nice topic.

[Pollon]

I think there are variety of "things in common" necessary to make a successful relationship. Least important, but not unimportant, are interests such as food, music, and recreational activities.

More important would be shared values, such as family, work, children, commitment, loyalty, fidelity, etc., and compatible goals, such as financial, children, career, lifestyle, etc.

Then, of course, would be mutual attraction and compatible interpersonal styles.

Common interests are important in that they provide opportunities to share the joys of life together and create the connection that only shared experience can bring. So being able to appreciate music or food or a hike or a sporting event together creates positive experiences and memories that builds a strong connection able to withstand the inevitable challenges.

It doesn't take a great variety of shared interests to work, but I would say it takes some.

On the other hand, incompatible values, conflicting interpersonal styles, and divergent goals will almost certainly kill a relationship, blessed though it may be, with multiple common interests.

[Magnetism]

There is one commonality that is difficult to live without -- generational. It was difficult dating a woman 15 years my junior. It was eye opening how many cultural references I use on a weekly basis and how much the deer in the headlights look bothered me. Age isn't just a number. It represents life experiences and I prefer to stay within my age range.


Nice topic.

I don't want to digress, but I also would have the same difficulties dating someone that's my senior! I can be friends with all ages, and have a good time. Romantically, I seem to connect best with people close to my age group.

[Something_Awesome]

I agree. I don't think having anything in common matters. Having things in common can help make that "initial connection." It's usually through having something in common that relationships start (I think?).

My GF and I had nothing in common in the beginning, but we've developed commonalities over time. For me though, as long as you love movies, we're good. I'm not a freak over movies, but if something compelling comes out, we're doing dinner and a movie and that's how it's gotta' be!

Not to go off-topic... But Gone Girl was awesome! GF and I both loved it and we're going to see Nightcrawler this weekend.

[atskitty2]

I went out with a 32 yr old last night effy. I didn't encounter any generational differences during our conversation, but I'm sure they'd crop up, eventually. Those things aren't too bothersome for me. I think of it in the same way as any other cultural differences-there will be things that we adjust for that person, to understand their background. I agree, age is more than a number, but it isn't a major factor for me, as long as the maturity is there, and this guy happened to be quite mature. Not sure if I'll be seeing him again, but it won't be due to age necessarily, more just different goals/needs in a relationship.

So, I'm in my active dating mode I guess. Seems every 6 months or so, I decide to get out more, and make a directed effort. Then I become disillusioned by it & give up for awhile.

[Claret]

Age is just a number, I'm 8.5 years older than my husband, we've been together 30 years so it does work.

[atskitty2]

Well, upon first impressions alone, the 32 yr old I met last night is more mature than many 40+ men I've met. Much better developed sense of priority & responsibility in his life, it would seem. So, these experiences are why I don't rule in, or rule out based on age. If the character is there, I would hardly notice the age difference.

I like to tell myself that I'm "young at heart", and that's part of why I wouldn't mind being with a younger man. It's just a fine line between having a youthful view, and being stuck in the past or having no grounding in reality. I don't think that's me.

[Magnetism]

I'm going to sound hypocritical, but I have found myself very attracted to men 10 years younger than me. I'm almost 32. When it comes to men much older than me, I've yet to feel a romantic connection.