[Magnetism]

Makes me sad to think that I'm so unattractive

I don't know if you're being cheeky and humorous. But, I know quite a few 20 and 30-somethings that only date men 10-20 years older.

[atskitty2]

Oh dear! effy! I do believe you've left me speechless. Not sure what to say. I am sure there's sarcasm in there, but I wasn't expecting that! Did someone hijack your account?

[effy2014]

As Mags would say, just being cheeky. Fortunately for me, I have a preference for women of "approximately" my age group. Early in our relationship, my SO would be embarrassed by some wrinkles or stretch marks (she has 3 children). I love every wrinkle, mark, sag etc because she loves like I love. You may have different experiences, but I'm a huge fan of what most would consider "older woman".

[raindancer]

About things in common, there's one that's a deal breaker. I hate alcohol. My parents were addicted when I was a child and I've been through all sorts of hell because of that.

I don't drink and don't like to be at places where people drink. I go out to dance, but I only drink water. Bars/pubs and restaurants, I don't like them.

Being like I am, I see that most people meet around alcohol and food. I don't want to be part of that. Food without alcohol could be bearable, but people always drink alcohol while they eat.

So, I don't really have friends I see often. I see them sometimes, when I can bear to be around alcohol (about once/year), or when they can bear to spend some time with a friend just talking, or doing sports, no alcohol involved.

What I do have are good acquaintances, people I love and respect, but who aren't really friends. With those, I don't care about differences, if they drink, or not, etc.

For the age gap related to privileged relationships, I don't care, as long as we're physically attracted. That's for sex only. I like beautiful men, I need that to feed my libido, and if a man is adult, handsome and sexy, that's good enough for sex. If it is a serious relationship, like marriage or living together, I want a person about my age. I wouldn't impose on a younger man to care for me, when I get older and possibly dependent. Not would I want to be in my 40s caring for a man in his 70s, even a relatively healthier one. That would be putting the burden of age on a younger person.

Sure, partners may always be faced with health problems, at any age, but a big age gap is pushing it, in the sense you're increasing the probability of that happening. We only live once, and life is very short. I wouldn't knowingly and by choice put to waste somebody's young(er) years. If it happens by accident, OK, but why to increase that probability, do it on purpose?

[atskitty2]

Certainly, rain, there are those nonnegotiable. What you bring up is far beyond the idea of being flexible & accepting ones differences.

I guess my initial post is more directed at things that are to me, matters of personal taste & not related to character, integrity or intelligence, etc. This same friend of mine has, what I think are, very rigid "rules" about who she'll date & I just think it's absurd honestly. She has seemed to "relax" things a little over the last couple years, but I just don't understand her ruling out so many men based on things that to me are frivolous. He must be within 4 yrs age, must be taller than her (she's 5'11), must not be bald, must love dogs, must be well-off financially, must be well-dressed....on & on...

I bluntly told her one day that I'm not surprised she's had 2 dates in 10-12 yrs, with that criteria listed. To me, none of that is demonstrative of who someone is or how they may be in a relationship. It is not indicative of the type of person they are, and quite honestly, I don't think this indicates my friend's nature either, and I was surprised to hear her rattle off this nonsense.

[effy2014]

I don't know anything about your friend, but it seems to me that sometimes rigid criteria provides an explanation (either for one's self or for the outside world) that explains the lack of dating.

Most women I know in the dating circles have very defined physical and financial criteria . . . height, weight, hair, beards, finances, love (or hate) of animals, profession and dress. The far more important criteria (at least in my belief) are easily ignored if you meet or fail to meet the physical criteria. Some of this could be a reaction to prior failed relationships and not wanting to compromise. For some, a long term relationship is not in the cards so the superficial criteria are more important.

[atskitty2]

Interesting point effy. I'll have to think more about that.

[Something_Awesome]

Guy has to be taller. Period. I don't know, maybe I am closed minded or shallow, but it just does not look good when the woman is taller, the same height, or even just slightly shorter. At 5'11'' your friend is well above the average woman's height, so she isn't going to have as many options as far as I am concerned.

I knew someone who had a long list of superficial criteria, but in the end the criteria was just her way of explaining why she did not have a BF or husband. It was her defense. In reality, she was not dating because she had low self-esteem/low self worth/low confidence. She'd turn down guys you knew she liked but her excuse for turning the guy down was that he did not meet some nit picky criteria.

[atskitty2]

SA, I do prefer a taller man, tall enough that if I'm wearing heels, he's still taller. So for me, even at an avg 5'6, that would rule out a lot of men. It isn't a deal-breaker. Those are the sorts of things that I just think are less important in the bigger picture.
For my friend, at least, if it were just that and a few things, I could understand a strong preference for it. But in the long lists of must & must nots in her itinerary, it just seems another, rather petty, preference.

Realize also, my choice of words is hers: Must not, can not...she isn't discussing preferences or hopefuls with me. These are rule-out criteria. She talks endlessly with men online tho, which I find odd again. I just don't understand it. I've encouraged her to just meet them, if they're worth the hours online. Then she complains to me that she never gets out, never has anything to do...

But anyway, I'm not intending to discuss my friend's habits, or criticize her directly. I just view this dating business very differently than her, and was wondering if commonalities such as these "little things" really should be taking a higher place on my list.
Of course attraction is important & having compatible personalities and habits, but I just don't place that high on the list after meeting someone. I try to dig into the character & kind of life the person leads.

[effy2014]

As you have seen with your friend, the more criteria you add, the more limited the dating pool and the greater the likelihood that you miss meeting some great men. In response to your question, make character the most important quality and look past some of the superficial negatives until you know the person better.