[mvaldez]

Hello everybody,
I am new to this whole forum thing but I really need help at this point of my life. I hope to make this as short as possible. This is my situation:

I have been with my boyfriend for close to 8 yrs. Previously, I caught him visiting a coworker that lives about an hour away from where he lives. I don't know if they really had something going on or what but I asked myself why was he going to see her? Anyway, since I was no sure of anything I decided to give him another chance. I told him that if I ever caught him with somebody else it was totally over.

Recently, I saw a number on his phone that I didn't recognize. There was an incoming and outgoing call at about 2:30am for about a min and a half each. I didn't say anything to him yet until I had a chance to call this number back without him knowing. When I called it was a girl but I didnt tell/ask her anything. I just wanted to make sure it was a girl. Later on that day, I asked him who had he been talking to around that time. He said nobody and I asked if he was sure. He said yes. I asked him to give me his phone and told him I was going to call it back. He said it was okay. The girl answered and I asked her what was going on with him, she said they were only coworkers and that she had a boyfriend. She even asked me if I wanted to talk to him and I said yes. She ended up hanging up. I think she had no boyfriend, she just said that. Should I take that call as a "meet me here thing" and he was cheating on me???

For reference: He usually gets out of work at 11:00 pm and gets home at about 12:30 am but I am not sure at what time he got home that day.

PLEASE I NEED DESPIRATE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should I let him go??????


The worst thing is that about a couple of weeks ago i had a tube pregnancy from him and lost the baby. When I was at the hospital he stayed with me and got a text message at about midnight. Even after begging to let me see the message he erased it and never showed it to me.

Sorry for writing this long book.

[C]

I think all that you are assuming is true...The fact that the girl hung up on you instead of putting her boyfriend on the telephone really meant a lot...Once a man starts lying about things you really can't trust him....It takes a lot to find that trust again.

The first thing I would do if I was you would be to take every precaution possible to make sure that the two of you do not bring a baby into this world...This is too troubled of a relationship to start....

Good luck but I do definately think there is another woman....Take care, Caroline

[mvaldez]

Thank you Caroline. I really appreciate your opinion.

Amazingly enough, the girl text me today morning at 3:00 am. She told me to forgive him and that he really loves me. She even swore that they are only friends. That really got me thinking. Although, for some reason I think she only did that because he asked her to. I still don't know what to do?!?!?!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thank you Caroline. I really appreciate your opinion.

Amazingly enough, the girl text me today morning at 3:00 am. She told me to forgive him and that he really loves me. She even swore that they are only friends. That really got me thinking. Although, for some reason I think she only did that because he asked her to. I still don't know what to do?!?!?!

I don't know whether he would have asked her to do that as 3 in the morining to me is more like she was thinking about that conversation and decided to send a text.

I am also not sure if something "was" going on, but if you take this scenario that she sent a message well past the time she finished work, early in the morning, perhaps she has made a concsious decision on her own.

Now that you have mentioned to him the text message, he will probably ensure there are none for you to read.

The trust has been broken and that's a hard thing to get over as he is not really answering you, " honey, i know it looks bad but, ....." rather just denial.

If you want to see where it goes from here, that's your call and yours alone, perhaps see how he reacts to you, if a message still comes through in your presense.

He may not have cheated but was in the throws of doing so and i guess you need to ascertain where this relationship is heading anyway. Is there something to save and or was it over a long time ago and you stay because of the time factor, the fact that you both have developed a friendship within that relationship and it's hard to walk out on that.

I wrote myself a list of the pros and cons on my relationship, then a list of what i could do if i could, to change it. But, for me, you can't change a person and you can't change forms of abuse so my step was different than yours, but i still evaluated it anyway.

CW

[C]

Thank you Caroline. I really appreciate your opinion.

Amazingly enough, the girl text me today morning at 3:00 am. She told me to forgive him and that he really loves me. She even swore that they are only friends. That really got me thinking. Although, for some reason I think she only did that because he asked her to. I still don't know what to do?!?!?!

Honey, protect yourself sexually and don't bring a baby into this world while you are figuring it out...Nowadays it is not easy....Such a shortage of good men and such an over abundance of horny women....And to make it worse, it is not going to get any better.....

You have to be able to trust him so just take your time....Don't show any indication that you may suspect him but instead keep your eyes open....Take care, Caroline

[mvaldez]

Caroline, once again, thank you.

In regards to him saying something like "honey, i know it looks bad but, .....", after I talked to the girl in his presence I never gave him a chance to talk. He has tried calling me many many times but I have never answered his calls. We have not talked for about a week. I don't know if I should give him an opportunity to explain or not. I am a little afraid that he will just brainwash me and I will fall for it.

I will definitely protect myself from not having a baby. I was on birth control for the longest time and decided to take some time off, and of course that is what got me.

I know about the the shortage of good men and that is what scares me the most. I am scared that I will not find a nice man that will take me serious. I know there is a lot of guys out there that only care about sex and I am not up for that. My ex is the only person that I have ever been with. Being with somebody else kindof terrifies me. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't know any better.

My problem is that I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him. I will take my time and see what happens.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I guess there is an old saying, if you don't ask you don't know.

Problem with telephones is you can't see their body language so you can't see any stutters, or eyes looking down, when trying to explain.

I know it's bold, but maybe meet for coffee and let him tell you then watch his body language to see and gage better.

You can also google body language so you know what to look for, but i think seeing as you are 50/50 this may be a good thing to do so you know in your heart.

Other than that, dito on Caroline's advice.

CW

[mvaldez]

I already googled body language and hope that I got something out of it. I will try talking to him face to face to see his body language. I am just scared confronting him. As I have previously said, I am scared of being brainwashed. I have been told that I am a gullible person.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I already googled body language and hope that I got something out of it. I will try talking to him face to face to see his body language. I am just scared confronting him. As I have previously said, I am scared of being brainwashed. I have been told that I am a gullible person.

8 years is a long time, your heart is still with him and obviously, you so want this to just be a "thing" but nothing happened.

I maybe would ask him if it was me first of, so before you answer any questions, or tell me anything, i just want to know, why did you refuse to show me the text message at 12am when i was in hospital.

In other words, i think he would be expecting to explain this co-worker away, so to throw something in first of, that he expected to answer but not straight of, may help you see if he has immediate eye contact or looks past you, to the ground etc as he would not expect that you would throw that question in rather, the co-worker first...

It's a brave move to meet up with him face to face but worth it to know one way or the other.

And i agree, lots of guys looking for sex only out there, but there are also those seeking a proper relationship if it doesn't work for you.

I truly wish you well on this, as i said, it's hard but good for you to go down that path.

CW

[rcoreyus]

I generally think it is a bad idea to spy on / question your SO. I know that by being trusting, you may be decieved, but by not trusting you are loosing one of the great advantages of a relationship.

I don't know if anything is going on in this case. If you look long enough though, you will find something, whether it is there or not .

(I'm aware that I am very much the minority opinion here).