[twix]

No two relationships are the same.

Before I begin, I want to state that no one should judge what others do in their relationships.
I think you are lucky, your boyfriend and you are talking. It took 8 years of marriage before my husband talked to me. Sure at first I was freaked out and still after 2 years I find myself dragging my feet over this "open marriage", but it has been rewarding.
The best part is that we communicate. We meet other couples that are fun and interesting. Usually sex isn't even a consideration, it is just meeting others that are not held up by societies rules on sex between a husband and wife. Just because your married doesn't mean you can't be sexy or attractive to others.
I just want to finish by saying we are not freaks, we are not doing anything wrong, in fact we have finally gotten something right in our marriage.

[twix]

Open relationship is a ridiculous label. Why can't a couple communicate and explore together without having to call it something? The saddest thing is that sex has become such a guilt ridden activity because of our society. Boy doesn't the recent breakdown of our bank system and job security tell you to look outside of the box and stop judging people.

[Guest]

Such relationship wouldn't work for me...

[viequense]

Open so soon?

Ok, I read all of your stories and I can relate to all of them. First let me say that I am not totally against open relationships if done in the right way. My best friends are swingers and I see how well it works for them. So... I started hanging out with this guy alot. we were together everyday and all weekends. We didnt actually have sex for like a month and a half. At this point i was already in love with him for other reasons. After we slept together maybe the second time he decided to tell me that he wants an open relationship and that is just how it is. He cant compromise who he is... he wants to go on "dates" with other women and screw them. Supposedly just like f*#* buddies, but now i see that he has more of a relationship with them than that. He had no problem with me sleeping around even with his roommates! No rules, no one is off limits.... The only rule he seemed to have is that we would come "home" to each other (we were not living together). Being that we had only been together for 2 months and only sleeping together for a week or two... this totally freaked me out as in no way did i feel stable in our own relationship much less with other ones going on too. I think he waited too long to discuss this first of all, as now I was in too deep. It would have been hard to just up and leave him because of it and it would be hard to stay in it and deal with it. So I sort of delayed making a decision and maybe a week later he went and slept with a girl that we both worked with. I really lost it at that point, as first of all I know the girl and can picture it in my head and I really didnt think we had sufficiently dealt with our own relationship enough to be branching out. So after much deliberating and fighting, we have now decided to be just friends and nothing else although we both have more than friend feelings for eachother. i think the biggest problem is that we didnt talk enough about it. It was sort of like...this is the way I am and this is the way it is going to be, or else we cant be together. I didnt feel I had a choice (even for a short time) and I either had to do it or leave him. We couldnt come up with any sort of compromise that would work. I suggested the swinging idea but he said he couldnt bare watching someone else make love to me. So, now we are just friends and he is still fing the girl from work. I really dont have a desire to sleep around, at least at this early of a point. Im just not sure what to do here. Any ideas?

[kms]

You definitely sound like you're stuck in a difficult situation. Open relationships work quite well if they're done right - but first and foremost, those that work are always based on a stable, solid relationship with open, honest communication at all times. As you've said, the relationship between you and this guy was not on solid ground yet as it was still in the beginning stages - so it is unlikely that you'd be comfortable and assured enough of your standing with him to be able to calmly stand by and let him be with other girls. It's unfortunate that he couldn't put off being with other girls for a long enough period of time for you two to establish a firm, solid relationship... it kind of seems like he's more interested in random, no strings sex than a committed relationship, since he's giving priority to the former, and allowing it to destroy any chances with the latter.

Even though you may really care about him, you two don't seem very compatible in terms of your lifestyle and commitment goals... so perhaps it's for the best. You wouldn't want to always have to worry about how important your relationship really is to him... it may be better to just find someone who will very clearly put you as their top priority - which is what you deserve!

[lovemyself1]

i think that you can think "yes, its something i can do and handle" but once it happens, you cant go back! i have close friends of mine that said they'd try it, but then one wasnt as comfortable with it as they thought! it didnt ruin their marriage, but it could have. it takes a certain type of person to be able to do it. i know i'm not that type....

[Phryne]

My experience of an open relationship

Hi Everyone,
This is a great thread with lots of insightful stories. I would like to add my experience to help anyone who is considering/currently having an open relationship.

At the moment I am in an open relationship with my partner of 8 years. We got married 3 years ago. We had been purely monogamous in our relationship up until 7 months ago when we decided to trial an open relationship. I, the woman, raised the idea with my man.

My reasons for wanting an open relationship
*Limited sexual experience: before my current partner, I was in another monogamous relationship for 4 years (from the age of 17), and only had one year of being single between these two major relationships. In that one year of singledom, I only had a few casual partners. My current partner on the other hand, is older than me and has had an abundant amount of sexual experiences from his single days.
*High sex drive: I have always been a very sexual person, but since I hit my 30s my sex drive has gone through the roof even more. My partner and I have always had, and still have, regular and satisfying sex, but I was keen to spice things up a bit, widen my experiences and embrace some fantasies.
*"Fetish" or "niche" interest: I had specific "niche" fantasies, particularly sex with Asian Oriental men, whom I find very attractive, and women. I felt that an open relationship would enable me to play out these fantasies.

My partner and I already had a very strong relationship where we discussed everything together in fine detail. We had already been through big life changes together, such as living overseas in a non-English speaking country together for a long time etc, so we had been through numerous instances of Big Decision-making and felt we could trust each other 100%. My partner is very open-minded and after many discussions, he agreed to trialling an open relationship for 6 months.

Open relationship trial rules
*We agreed to review the arrangement at 3 months and then at 6 months to see if we both felt comfortable with it.
*We also had a rule that if one of us became unhappy/uncomfortable at any time, we had instant veto rights and would stop the arrangement.
*The sexual encounters would be casual sex only, ie one-night stands or regular hook-ups with a casual partner, no polyamory.

The main rules we have for our open relationship
* safe sex
* no close friends/coworkers
* especially for personal safety reasons, I tell my partner where I am and who I'm with, and when I'm meeting them, etc
* open communication at all times: talk about anything, good or bad, from your casual encounters. At first neither of us wanted to know the details of each other's encounters and set a rule not to talk about them, but we revised this after a while because we became very curious about what the other was up to, and we found we could talk about any problems/issues we had with the casual partners concerned, which I found to be helpful. Pretty much how you would normally talk to your partner about any issues you had with friends or coworkers, this was basically the same thing except it was about our casual partners. We tend not to go into details about the actual sex though, more the non-sexual interaction with the casual partner
* with regular casual sex partners (ie non-one night stands) we are honest with them about our open relationship, so the casual partners know we already are in love and are committed to our long-term partner.

In my opinion, couples will only be successful in an open relationship if both parties are 100% comfortable with the idea, you are generally not jealous people, and most importantly, that you already have a strong, happy relationship and have always communicated clearly and openly.

A few surprises that we found were ...
*it's easier for the woman to meet guys for casual sex than for the man to meet women for casual sex. My partner is a muscly, stylish and good-looking guy who has had lots of attention from women in the past, but he has found most women are not keen on casual sex and want only a relationship. And if using dating/casual sex sites online, you will find the people online are 80% men, 20% women, so it's real easy pickings for the women
*the polyamory factor: as said above, we were not at all interested in poly, but my partner has found that, of the women he has met with an interest in casual sex, some prefer a pseudo-relationship around the casual sex (ie some hook-ups that are pure hanging out, semi-dates etc), so we had to adapt to this a little. These women are totally aware of me and my partner's committed relationship with me.
As for me, only a couple of my male casual partners have expressed an interest in pseudo-relationship stuff, most of them just want pure sex, which is obviously fine with me as that is the point. There is only one regular casual partner who I have more than sex with, ie we have dinner before a rendezvous, exchange regular emails/texts etc (we have a lot in common, so have become friends in a strange way!)
*toy boys: I'm in my early thirties and I can assure women out there that the older you get, the hotter you are for some men. There are lots of early 20 something men that adore older women, early 30s-late 50s, which actually tallies well with the high sex drive for young men/older women, and which will keep some amorous women busy until retirement The young men I have met have been rather in awe of the older woman's general life experience and self-confidence, as well as sexual experience, and often such young men are quite mature themselves and find women their own age "too unsure of themselves and insecure" apparently. Interesting.

Anyway, so far we are happy with the way things are progressing and if anything it has made our relationship stronger. Hope this helps some people out there, and keen to hear other people's stories too!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Everyone,
This is a great thread with lots of insightful stories. I would like to add my experience to help anyone who is considering/currently having an open relationship.

At the moment I am in an open relationship with my partner of 8 years. We got married 3 years ago. We had been purely monogamous in our relationship up until 7 months ago when we decided to trial an open relationship. I, the woman, raised the idea with my man.

My reasons for wanting an open relationship
*Limited sexual experience: before my current partner, I was in another monogamous relationship for 4 years (from the age of 17), and only had one year of being single between these two major relationships. In that one year of singledom, I only had a few casual partners. My current partner on the other hand, is older than me and has had an abundant amount of sexual experiences from his single days.
*High sex drive: I have always been a very sexual person, but since I hit my 30s my sex drive has gone through the roof even more. My partner and I have always had, and still have, regular and satisfying sex, but I was keen to spice things up a bit, widen my experiences and embrace some fantasies.
*"Fetish" or "niche" interest: I had specific "niche" fantasies, particularly sex with Asian Oriental men, whom I find very attractive, and women. I felt that an open relationship would enable me to play out these fantasies.

My partner and I already had a very strong relationship where we discussed everything together in fine detail. We had already been through big life changes together, such as living overseas in a non-English speaking country together for a long time etc, so we had been through numerous instances of Big Decision-making and felt we could trust each other 100%. My partner is very open-minded and after many discussions, he agreed to trialling an open relationship for 6 months.

Open relationship trial rules
*We agreed to review the arrangement at 3 months and then at 6 months to see if we both felt comfortable with it.
*We also had a rule that if one of us became unhappy/uncomfortable at any time, we had instant veto rights and would stop the arrangement.
*The sexual encounters would be casual sex only, ie one-night stands or regular hook-ups with a casual partner, no polyamory.

The main rules we have for our open relationship
* safe sex
* no close friends/coworkers
* especially for personal safety reasons, I tell my partner where I am and who I'm with, and when I'm meeting them, etc
* open communication at all times: talk about anything, good or bad, from your casual encounters. At first neither of us wanted to know the details of each other's encounters and set a rule not to talk about them, but we revised this after a while because we became very curious about what the other was up to, and we found we could talk about any problems/issues we had with the casual partners concerned, which I found to be helpful. Pretty much how you would normally talk to your partner about any issues you had with friends or coworkers, this was basically the same thing except it was about our casual partners. We tend not to go into details about the actual sex though, more the non-sexual interaction with the casual partner
* with regular casual sex partners (ie non-one night stands) we are honest with them about our open relationship, so the casual partners know we already are in love and are committed to our long-term partner.

In my opinion, couples will only be successful in an open relationship if both parties are 100% comfortable with the idea, you are generally not jealous people, and most importantly, that you already have a strong, happy relationship and have always communicated clearly and openly.

A few surprises that we found were ...
*it's easier for the woman to meet guys for casual sex than for the man to meet women for casual sex. My partner is a muscly, stylish and good-looking guy who has had lots of attention from women in the past, but he has found most women are not keen on casual sex and want only a relationship. And if using dating/casual sex sites online, you will find the people online are 80% men, 20% women, so it's real easy pickings for the women
*the polyamory factor: as said above, we were not at all interested in poly, but my partner has found that, of the women he has met with an interest in casual sex, some prefer a pseudo-relationship around the casual sex (ie some hook-ups that are pure hanging out, semi-dates etc), so we had to adapt to this a little. These women are totally aware of me and my partner's committed relationship with me.
As for me, only a couple of my male casual partners have expressed an interest in pseudo-relationship stuff, most of them just want pure sex, which is obviously fine with me as that is the point. There is only one regular casual partner who I have more than sex with, ie we have dinner before a rendezvous, exchange regular emails/texts etc (we have a lot in common, so have become friends in a strange way!)
*toy boys: I'm in my early thirties and I can assure women out there that the older you get, the hotter you are for some men. There are lots of early 20 something men that adore older women, early 30s-late 50s, which actually tallies well with the high sex drive for young men/older women, and which will keep some amorous women busy until retirement The young men I have met have been rather in awe of the older woman's general life experience and self-confidence, as well as sexual experience, and often such young men are quite mature themselves and find women their own age "too unsure of themselves and insecure" apparently. Interesting.

Anyway, so far we are happy with the way things are progressing and if anything it has made our relationship stronger. Hope this helps some people out there, and keen to hear other people's stories too!

That took a long time to type and really gave a person's "view" not thoughts but actual...

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for such a large imput on first attempt.

CW

[blondie80]

Wow I guess if you could look at it in just a sexual manner it might work, I have a tendancy to think in this day and age there isn't many restrictions in how we all choose to live. I myself couldn't do this I think that maybe im a little too closed minded for that to be able to happen, I think if i was to have an open relationship I woudlnt feel secure enough to know that my partner was just sleeping with someone else for the fun of it or would have the underlying thoughts of what happens if? You know the thoughts I mean the ones that go through your head and say what if shes better than me why arent I enough or what happens if they catch something or theres an accident and someone gets pregnant?
I dont know maybe its just me but I couldnt imagine sleeping with another male im too blind sighted by the one i have! I have enough he is great in so many ways why would I want more?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Just for everyone's acknowledgement.

The thread itself is interesting and so remains open.

However, the OP posted this in 2006 so point your discussions to opinions of the idea rather than answering the OP.

CW