[Guest]

Sofaraway,
your arrangement sounds ideal to me. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and really love him. Still, I'd like to have casual sex with others too. I don't have anyone particular in mind at the moment, but I think if I met a potential casual partner, I'd want to "have the right" to have sex with him/her. (i'm bi-sexual).
However, an open relationship is a total no-no for my boyfriend. We discussed this in relation to my possible going abroad for some months, and even in this scenario the idea that i should have other partners while far away from him made him really anxious. I really don't want to hurt him and demand and open relationship. But especially if I go abroad and we are separated for months I don't know if I can promise him anything. He just cannot comprehend that an affair with someone else in no way threatens our relationship!
At least this is how I see it now. I also do not think I'd be jealous of his possible flings. I think one should be free to do whatever feels right, even in a relationship. At the moment I cannot because I know he would be hurt..
Is there a way out? Any comments? Our future frightens me..

[Verissa]

difficult even when you want it!

My boyfriend or rather my fiance and I have been together for a relatively short time now, though we have known each other for coming on 16 years. He and I discussed an open relationship when we first started dating because I have had issues with monogamy in the past and he has had nothing but monogamy in every relationship he has had. I never thought for one second that I would fall in love with him. I know that sounds bad but I thought it would be a nice fling and it would be nice to be with someone I felt so comfortable with. Now here we are half a year later pregnant and engaged? Who would have thought that would ever happen. He still wants an open relationship now that I brought it up and teased him with it. We have both agreed to wait until the baby is born to pursue anything at all in regards to this. I think that it will not be for some time after that I will be ready to take any steps in regards to that. I want it but he falls in love so easily and I know that I don't so to me its sex to him it may become more and I don't know if I can deal with that. Its a hard situation to be in I really must say. I know that things will work out if we can agree on ground rules and stick to them, as well as being open and honest 100% with one another. If you can be in a relationship and know that you will not cheat don't try this, if you can't and you know that you will cheat and lie and possibly hurt the one that you love more than life..then give this a try..just make sure that you can talk and express yourself. I'm having troubles expressing myself, call it hormones or fear but its trouble any way you slice it.

[loveyou]

open relationship

my b/f & I had a talk today about having an open relationship...he said that he has absolutely no problem with it, as long as it is with certain guys, that he approves. he said he has no problem with it, b/c he doesn't want me to feel trapped and he wants to keep me happy, so if its what i want (which it isnt) then i can go for it. but i said well i dont think id feel very comfortable with you sleeping with other girls, so matter who they were, but i cant just sit there knowing that your doing someone else. n he said okay then i wont, but you can. n hes also open to everything else, like threesomes, lesbians, other guys...i dont understand how guys can think that way. i would feel totally uncomfortable and hurt to think about my guy doing some other chick. am i the only one?!

My experience and that of many friends is that you can only have an open relationship, if you have a strong emotional bond. Then sex is no more the central bond. So, if you want an open relationship, first work on the emotional relationship and then propose sexual freedom with losing the safety of the emotional commitment. I think this will be the future of love.

[FionaDiaz]

I had an open relationship once

My ex and I were actually in an open relationship. Even participated in a foursome once. We had rules though, no lies, always have to tell each other who, what and where and ALWAYS use protection.

We really did love each other, and he even purposed to me, however, I couldn't see myself in an "open" relationship for the rest of my life, or even after I started to have children. So we decided to end it. However, one of our friends and his wife are STILL in an open relationship and very happy.

I'd never suggest to someone to have an open relationship, really. It's hard to handle for the most part, especially if you are prone to jealousy. If you are not, or you are just having a fling and not in love, then open relationships can be fun... If you are in love, it becomes difficult.

You have to completely open and honest with your partner, and they have to be honest with you. You have to have strong rules (no hookers, always say who, where, when, No family members, no friends, always wear condoms, etc.) that neither of you can break, and if one of those rules are broken, it should be the end of the relationship.

So yeah... Open relationships are certainly not for everyone... but they are not a reciepe for pain and torment for everyone either.

[KendallB003]

long distance open relationship

I wouldnt normally agree to having an open relationship but i think in this circumstance it is for the best. Obviously I am not totally confident with the idea, hence why I am posting this, so please feel free to share some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I am only 18 so you may think I am very naive for saying all this but I truly feel like I could marry him. He has been living at my home in NH for the past year because his home life is very crappy. My parents took him in so we are very close and spend almost everyday with each other. So not only are we in love but my parents adore him as if he was their son as well. Here is the problem...... I am going to school in NC next year and he is staying in NH for college. We want to stay together but we know its not fair to either of us to not experience the complete college experience or to torture ourselves with a long distance relationship. We decided to have an open relationship so that we could sexually interact with other people and hopefully not emotionally become attracted to anyone else. When I come home for thanksgiving, xmas break, etc. we would be together again. I am extremely afraid that either he will find someone else, I will find someone else, or I will drive myself nuts missing him so much. Would it be easier to just break up? I think I have the love for him enough to pull through this but I'm not sure if he could do it.... I feel like im blabbing and i dont know what to say...help! please

[C]

I wouldnt normally agree to having an open relationship but i think in this circumstance it is for the best. Obviously I am not totally confident with the idea, hence why I am posting this, so please feel free to share some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I am only 18 so you may think I am very naive for saying all this but I truly feel like I could marry him. He has been living at my home in NH for the past year because his home life is very crappy. My parents took him in so we are very close and spend almost everyday with each other. So not only are we in love but my parents adore him as if he was their son as well. Here is the problem...... I am going to school in NC next year and he is staying in NH for college. We want to stay together but we know its not fair to either of us to not experience the complete college experience or to torture ourselves with a long distance relationship. We decided to have an open relationship so that we could sexually interact with other people and hopefully not emotionally become attracted to anyone else. When I come home for thanksgiving, xmas break, etc. we would be together again. I am extremely afraid that either he will find someone else, I will find someone else, or I will drive myself nuts missing him so much. Would it be easier to just break up? I think I have the love for him enough to pull through this but I'm not sure if he could do it.... I feel like im blabbing and i dont know what to say...help! please

No, you are not blabbing...You are very wise for your age...Sure you will miss him and he will miss you, but if this love is deep enough and with all that you have both been to each other, it will endure....

Now my dear, separate, grow and learn about life....If he is supposed to be there, he will be......If it is not to be, it won't be....Absence makes the heart grow fonder.....This is a true statement...Best wishes...Caroline

[eliza]

Starting Up An Open Relationship

My partner of 6 years has brought up today that he eventually wants to be able to experiment with other women on the side. He has reassured me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but we are only 25 and he feels like he has missed out on developing his independence and experiencing dating and other freedoms. I want to be able to sleep with others sometimes too, but I don't know if I am personally strong enough if he does or how we could still live together in our small city and maintain this...
What is a good way to kind of put our feet in the water and see if we can make it work?
i am thinking it would be easier to have my own apartment, though financially rough...

[he4she]

from a male view

It would much be better to start out slow, like soft swinging with another couple and see how it goes.
Always have the limits preset, it can be just holding hands, dancing and a kiss goodnight and that is all. Later on you could go a little farther each time. Eventually all the way to everything but intercourse.
It would be much better to ease into it.

I haven't been an open relationship but I thought it would be interesting, love without the chains.

[kindacrabby]

kindacrabby

I totally agree w/ the comment that "princess" made. I have been reading alot about open relationships out of a strange curiosity. I just cant believe that any couple would subject themselves to the nightmare of allowing their partner or themselves to being intimate w/ a person outside of their relationship. I actually think that people that do that are not "in love". Before being w/ my current fiance I was involved with a guy for 5 years. I was only 20 years old when we became involved and even though I thought he was really good looking and had a great job looking back I realize I was not "in love" w/ him. I ended up not really being fulfilled in the relationship (mayb too young to commit and w/ the wrong person) and he and I became like brother and sister. Just like friends w/ no romantic spark. Anyway, I went out all of the time and I was constantly meeting other guys (just flirting and mayb a kiss). Until I finally, at the end of the 4th year fully cheated on him. Anyway, it wasnt b/c I was unable to commit it was b/c I was in the wrong relationship. And conversely, I really didnt care if he was w/ other girls I eventually lost all romantic feelings. So yes, if I had remained in that relat. I would probably right now be a huge and advocate and participant in open relationships, but only b/c I was ultimately totally unfulfilled in my primary relat. Now I am w/ my soul mate. I am 29 years old. And neither he nor I could imagine being w/ another or ever allowing it. We love spending as much time together as possible. I think he is the most handsome, caring, life changing person I have ever met. I love his imperfections and I could care less what anyone else thinks. Every day our love and sex life becomes more fulfilling , amazing, and intimate. ANd I cant imagine sharing that experience w/ anyone else or he doing so either. Call me closed minded, I dont care if you are truly in love and w/ the right person your gut would most likely not allow such a breech of intimacy. I know, I have been on both sides of the coin.

[kms]

This is a very interesting topic that I could never even remotely fathom until recently.

My bf and I were talking one night and somehow started talking about our sexual fantasies. I've hardly admitted mine to myself out of guilt, much less to another person! But he shared one of his - that was 'worse' than mine - so I decided to tell him that one of mine is to be with a couple of guys (me in a passive role). To my complete shock, he responded by saying that my fantasy hits on two of his: a threesome with a guy and a girl, AND seeing me with another guy. He came up with the perfect candidate within minutes and suddenly I found myself involved in planning how we'd pull it off! I would never, ever even dream of doing something like this, but it's hard to say no when he's pushing me and it's really tempting - especially since the 'victim' is pretty hot (and apparently appropriately bisexual and seems to already have interest in my bf). The twist is that we discussed this the day before I started teaching a new class at our university (I'm a grad student). The next day as I was on my way to teach, my bf informed me that our victim is one of my students!!!! Which, ironically, is yet another fantasy of mine... ahhh! oh goodness it's really endless. Needless to say I've been thinking about open relationships a lot recently and trying to sort it all out, as I've been feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed.

I can completely understand how some people are thoroughly repulsed by open relationships, and others have only engaged in such relationships because they were unfulfilled in their primary relationship. However, it seems that there are people (like my bf) who make a clear distinction between love and sex. Sex happens in love, but sex can happen outside of love as well as something fun but completely meaningless. And apparently, there are still others (like me) who may consider sex outside of a relationship for the purpose of fulfilling a fantasy (with the support - or participation - of the partner).