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relationships and sex

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  • relationships and sex

    Do relationships that begin with friendship instead of the sexual component last longer?

  • Great topic. I do believe that people who start off a relationship without the sexual component last longer.

    I think it goes toward values. If you place a high value on sex and marriage, then you'll likely stick to marriage more readily.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment


    • I expect couples who have never had sex together expect it to be an important part of a close relationship, whether it be a marriage or not. Before committing to such a relationship, I would expect it to be discussed. If the marriage is arranged, I would expect that societal norms would dictate that sex would be part of the relationship. In more traditional societies, children would also be expected.

      The problem is often that one spouse/SO wants to cut off sex altogether or limit it to such a high degree that the other spouse/SO is never even close to being satisfied. That was not part of the original agreement any more than doing many common things only once a month or several times a year was. Sure, you can do a lot of other things infrequently, but they are not part of the bonding with a spouse/SO.

      Interestingly, having sex with a spouse/SO does not have to be frequent. Some are in relations with others who have to be away for extended periods of time such as military personnel. Those relationships can last for years. Usually the couples make up for lost time when they are together until it is time to say goodbye again. That is much different than being cut off with no end in sight.

      I don't see a link between chastity before a long term relationship and cutting off of a partner any more than I see a link between pre long relationship sex and the cutting off of a partner. Some spouses/SOs cut off their partners. It often causes friction in the relationship if the partner isn't of the same mindset.

      Good topic.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
        from what I've read here and on other forums, it seems a lot of people want to leave their spouse/SO after the sex and/or newness decreases
        I am wondering if that is because those relationships started out with sex being the basis of the relationship
        I was thinking about this in relationship to work. What if you married a person who worked before marriage but decided after marriage that working was not important so that person just quits and expected the rest of the relationship to go on as usual? Would that cause friction in the relationship? Would you get in a relationship without discussing that or at least trying to find out about the other person? Should the idea of one partner quitting work be made after a mutual understanding? If that person did such an action unilaterally, what would happen to the relationship? Would you marry a person who did not work before marriage but promised to work afterwards? Would it be OK for them to work double shifts and then later reduce it to only a single shift?
        Last edited by jns; 04-01-2017, 08:45 PM.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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        • quoted below

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          • intimacy- This term comes from Erikson's theory of development, and refers to a person's ability form close, loving relationships

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
              I do believe that people who start off a relationship without the sexual component last longer.
              .
              seems so with at least one study, that could lead to that conclusion

              Comment


              • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
                "study shows that couples who wait until marriage are happier with the quality of sex than couples who have intercourse before their vows."
                An interesting subset of couples. First it does not distinguish between those who are virgins and those who have purposely decided to wait with the current SO.

                I would expect a group that did all of their sexual exploration during their marriage would be happier with the quality of sex versus a group that contained couples that had been together for ten years and only recently got married. Those couples got married for reasons other than to have sex. I wonder how many couples that had child brides were included? There are always constraints on these studies that are not addressed.

                Couples that remain chaste until marriage contain a higher than average number of couples from subgroups, such as religions, that frown upon premarital sex. Maybe that is what should be taken away: being from a conservative religious tradition makes you happier with the sex you have (which has to be within a marriage.) You are happier with the sex because it is proper and fulfilling to your religious background.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment



                • guess there really is no way to know what really keeps a relationship going
                  Or why it seems some people wants to leave their spouse/ SO when the newness wears off

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                    I think it goes toward values. If you place a high value on sex and marriage, then you'll likely stick to marriage more readily.
                    have heard people say that divorce, for them, is not an option

                    Comment


                    • From my experience, sex is the absolute best when she's your best friend with whom you're in love.

                      When sex occurs is immaterial. It could be the first date or the 100th. If a dude is feeling it for a woman, he'll stick around.

                      Comment


                      • An interesting concept, having a SO who is also your best friend. I only have one best friend at a time. If I have problems with my SO, my best friend can give good advice. If my best friend changes, I still have my SO for comfort and advice. If I was to lose both at the same time, I would be doubly screwed. The highs could be higher but the lows could be lower.
                        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                        ...
                        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by jns View Post
                          An interesting concept, having a SO who is also your best friend. I only have one best friend at a time.
                          Have found when people move far away, it is difficult to maintain that best friend closeness.

                          Comment


                          • Deleted

                            Comment


                            • It's interesting the way that different cultures (and individuals) view friendship. I just heard that in some cultures the concept of a mate being ones best friend that seems to be so intuitive in the west is not present. Best friend and spouse are two seperate things. For me they are the same, but I see jns' point. If my best friend in my teens and early 20's had matured differently he might still hold that spot. Or if my wife and I hadn't been such good friends before we became romantic she might not.

                              Slightly different topic, but some of my Chinese friends also don't view parents as friends. I've been trying to figure out how much of this is linguistic (my Chinese stinks) and how much is cultural, but there definitely seems to be a cultural component. My mother and father are some of my best friends.
                              "Those sowing seed with tears
                              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                              Comment

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