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relationships and sex

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  • So much to say on these topics, as I have amused myself with them for quite some time.

    Growing up in the strict Baptist church that I did, we were taught that premarital sex was horrible, and actually any touching was sinful. Holding hands may be ok, depending on the church leader you ask, but generally at any functions, 6" distance was required between male and female.
    They taught courtship and friendship should be the basis for any couple looking for marriage.

    There's a part of me that, now, can see the beauty in that. But experience has taught me that compatibility sexually is just as important as any other aspect of a relationship.

    There has to be some approach that allows getting to know someone completely. I wouldn't marry someone if I didn't know a lot about them, or say, their budgeting ability...why would I marry someone not knowing about this major aspect?

    Then, there's the argument that sex is not a major component, or shouldn't be. But reality is that for some, it is. And for me, at this point in life, it is very important. I've lived half my life with little sex. Next relationship, a fulfilled sex life is a goal.

    I don't think being absolute besties with ones spouse is the only way. Your loyalty can still lie with the spouse, and have a meaningful best friend relationship with another. Some people want and need that. I think this is just another area that our culture gets stuck in a rut of this is the only/best way. Truth is, in my observation it can happen both ways, and be successful either way.

    I don't really have a true best friend...I have friends but nobody I really consider a bestie. My one friend I'm closer to but, we really aren't best friends.
    When I enter a relationship again, in time, or if she does, we will still be friends, but not close as we are now I guess. And that's fine.


    • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
      There has to be some approach that allows getting to know someone completely. I wouldn't marry someone if I didn't know a lot about them, or say, their budgeting ability...why would I marry someone not knowing about this major aspect?

      I don't think being absolute besties with ones spouse is the only way. .
      I think having a best friend or friends is important outside your spouse.

      As far as getting to know someone completely before marriage, I'm still learning things about husband that I never knew.


      • It seems like trying sex out first makes more sense, but in actual practice it doesn't work that way. The research I've seen and my experience tells me that people who wait are happier.

        I don't know all the why's, but I think part of the problem is that sex creates a bond and emotions that cloud judgement. It's not like trying on some jeans to see how they fit. If you're regularly having sex, you can't assess well whether or not the person has the other qualities that would make them a good mate. You're already hooked.

        Also, it goes towards ideology. If the couple views marriage as uniquely sexual and sacred, they've already got a stronger compatibility than people who just have good sex. Bodies and feelings can change. When it's just a physical thing, the sex can go with it even if it was good at first. Look at how many people come here complaining that things went south in the bedroom.
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


        • Amy, by completely I didn't necessarily mean to know everything about someone. Of course we can never achieve that.

          I meant completely as in, thorough knowledge of them. Especially the major aspects, such as violent tendencies, religious leanings, work ethic, family bonds, etc.

          of course, even knowing someone thoroughly is no guarantee, and ppl also change.
          I would just prefer to err on the side of caution early, rather than potentially be burned later. People can hide things easier in early stages, and I'd just prefer to be proactive.

          I have actually toyed with the idea of taking a no sex approach to dating. No sex until .... idk?
          It's a crap shoot, as best I've been able to determine. lol


          • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
            I meant completely as in, thorough knowledge of them. Especially the major aspects, such as violent tendencies, religious leanings, work ethic, family bonds, etc.
            Sorry, kitty. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to date in 2017


            • No worries amy for some, the fast steps of dating are fine. I just choose not to make that bet.

              A couple i know married 6 wks after meeting and as far as I can tell, have spent a miserable 20 yrs honoring their vows. The woman found out soon after marriage all the things that were just not important to him to mention, prior to marriage. Such as debt and the real situation with his 2 prior wives and children from those marriages.

              It's admirable to keep your vows regardless, I tell myself, and their faith has led them to peace I suppose, but from my perspective that is no quality of life. They raised a maladjusted child, and...it's just sad. I hope never to put myself in that position.

              I do know couples who married fast and were very happy and built a healthy relationship.

              Chances are more ikely that will happen with a longer time of getting acquainted, imo.

              But I've veered off course a bit.

              I do think delayed sexual relationships are better...that's why I have had so little sex since my divorce. I have dated many men and I've not slept with many at all.
              I think it's better. There must be trust and some level of comfort, due to risks involved with sex.


              • When I have a crush on a guy, it gets pretty intense. However, I tend to strike up a friendship with him before getting into a relationship. A bond has to be formed for the friendship to progress into a relationship. However, I tend to know who I like rather quickly. Getting along personality-wise is crucial to getting along in a sexual relationship.


                • Relationships without sex are called friendships.


                  • "if the couple views marriage as uniquely sexual and sacred, they've already got a stronger compatibility......"

                    agree stillness


                    • also think it's beneficial to your marriage if one hasn't had sexual partners to compare with your spouse


                      • Hi jns,

                        I've acquired wisdom long after it would've been helpful.

                        Opposites might attract, but the same will stay together.

                        Relationships created upon authentic friendship are longest enduring.

                        I've learned that I should have not thrown good years after bad. I should've divorced the second I accepted that who I thought she was and who she really was were not congruent. When one accepts that a relationship won't last, leave. I've never known a couple who stuck it out assuming it would get better and it did. People who stick out miserable relationships are miserable. Once it goes south, it becomes a matter of how far one is willing to travel southbound before he accepts the reality that he should have left years ago. The same goes for women. Never throw good years after bad.

                        I'm not sure that we can ever completely know anyone. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has a past. Women have been married to men whom they believed were businessmen but were really CIA agents. Many years ago I knew a couple that the wife knew only her husband worked in the defense industry. She had no clue of what he did. They were good with it. For all she knew, he could have developed devastating chemical weapons.

                        It is possible to find your best friend with whom you're in love. When you do, keep her. Treat her like a queen, and she'll make you a king. Never settle. You'll regret it.

                        A vow implies knowledge of whom you're vowing. It's invalid if a vow is the product of deception or manipulation.

                        I can't begin to tell you how many men & women I know who don't talk about sex. Sadly, too many women submit to sex out of sense of obligation. Sex becomes much more intense and meaningful when couples are open with each other. Judgments should never be made nor a secret betrayed.

                        My ex had a friend who never had an orgasm during sex. My ex felt sorry for her and bought her a vibrator. Her husband was a definitive goofball.

                        Women will talk about sex if men would ask. But a woman would have to have trust in a man before she'll be honest about her sexual desires.

                        The woman I'm now seeing and I used to be in an intense relationship. If you want to test a man's character, give him power. If you want to test a woman's character, give her adversity. My g/f's true personality came out with adversity. While I'll still hang with her, I'd never marry her. I'll leave that at that.

                        My g/f and I have always been able to talk about sex. I know more about her sexual past than anyone other than her. When she was in college, she was probably known as a s_l_u_t. What she has done before she met me is none of my business. I've never judged her for her sexual past, and she has a considerable sexual past. Good for her. She had fun.

                        Early in our relationship she told me what she liked and didn't like. That was useful info to know. I was and still am able to sexually satisfy her most passionate desires because we were and are comfortable with each other talking about sex.

                        One of the most prominent problems in her marriage was sexual incompatibility. She's beyond sexually experienced and adventurous. He was the opposite. She tried & tried to teach him. Either he was dense or prideful because he never learned nor did he want to learn. He'd demean her for asking for something as harmless as cumming on her breasts. He called it gross. She has never forgotten that. It became so horrible for her that she viewed sex as a marital obligation. She'd have sex with him only when she could no longer put it off. It was heart wrenching to hear her tell me extremely wistfully that when she couldn't put him off, she'd bend over their dresser and let him bang her until he came. More often than not, she had to use lubricant because he wasn't working for her sexual arousal.

                        If her ex had listened to her, he would have enjoyed incredible sexual pleasure that would have created an unbreakable bond. I'll always try to do what she asks & I've never judged her for it. There is one caveat in that she enjoys anal sex. She's all but demanded that I do it with her. But I can guarantee only one. After she has cummed many, many times, she wants rough vaginal penetration. Were I younger and able to go all night, I'd probably do it. Other than that, if she asks, I'll do it. And well before I cum, I'll ask her where she wants it. 50% of the time it's inside of her. The rest could be in her mouth, breasts, face, or what she's feeling at the moment. Never once have I judged her for her sexual desires or her sexual past. The way I see it, I'm beneficiary of her considerable sexual skills.

                        If I could give anyone advice it'd be find your best friend, and openly discuss sex without judgment or betrayal. Heck, I'd marry a porn star were she my best friend and I were in love with her. But I'd probably ask her to find a new line of work.

                        The Golden Rule controls relationship success or failure.

                        Never, ever violate a woman's trust.

                        BTW, I have no clue of how many hours of video I have of my g/f and I. I've written many times that she's a bedroom porn star. Well, she's videoed some of it. I have hundreds of photos of her posing nude. She loved it. Well, we were in an argument some years ago, She told me that I'd post videos & photos of her out of spite. I told her that if she wanted them, I'd give her the entire collection. She knew I'd never violate her trust. Only a scum bag dude would do that. Anyway, she's never asked for them because she knows that I'd never violate trust she has in me.

                        She has told me that when she was younger, she would have considered doing porn if her parents wouldn't have found out. From what I know about her, I don't doubt it.


                        • Originally posted by WaveRider View Post
                          Opposites might attract, but the same will stay together.
                          I believe that this is too narrow of a definition of who will stay together. True opposites, those opposite in almost everything, may not stay together. Those couples who have the same preferences in many things but a significant number of different preferences may stay together if they can compromise.

                          My wife of 27 years is from Thailand where I met her and married her. My education level is high, hers is low. I like to travel more than she does. We have some likes of the same foods and different foods that only one of us likes. Our tastes in music are some same and a lot different. Many other things follow a similar pattern.
                          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                          • Good Morning, jns,

                            It's ecumenical that two people will not be identical in every aspect of life. That was not my intent nor my meaning. Rather, "same stay together" refers to commonality of core beliefs. Sex is an extremely important component of an enduring relationship. If discord dominates a couple's sexual wants and desires, it will seep into and contaminate other components of a relationship.

                            I couldn't care less if my wife or g/f were not compatible in insignificant areas. I would care a lot if she were a tweaker. That'd be an instant deal breaker.


                            • Originally posted by WaveRider View Post
                              I would care a lot if she were a tweaker.
                              which definition

                              compulsive liar/thief OR addict


                              • Hi amy40,

                                Tweaker = meth addict.



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