[WaveRider]

From my experience, sex is the absolute best when she's your best friend with whom you're in love.

When sex occurs is immaterial. It could be the first date or the 100th. If a dude is feeling it for a woman, he'll stick around.

[jns]

An interesting concept, having a SO who is also your best friend. I only have one best friend at a time. If I have problems with my SO, my best friend can give good advice. If my best friend changes, I still have my SO for comfort and advice. If I was to lose both at the same time, I would be doubly screwed. The highs could be higher but the lows could be lower.

[amy40]

An interesting concept, having a SO who is also your best friend. I only have one best friend at a time.

Have found when people move far away, it is difficult to maintain that best friend closeness.

[amy40]

Deleted

[Stillness]

It's interesting the way that different cultures (and individuals) view friendship. I just heard that in some cultures the concept of a mate being ones best friend that seems to be so intuitive in the west is not present. Best friend and spouse are two seperate things. For me they are the same, but I see jns' point. If my best friend in my teens and early 20's had matured differently he might still hold that spot. Or if my wife and I hadn't been such good friends before we became romantic she might not.

Slightly different topic, but some of my Chinese friends also don't view parents as friends. I've been trying to figure out how much of this is linguistic (my Chinese stinks) and how much is cultural, but there definitely seems to be a cultural component. My mother and father are some of my best friends.

[atskitty2]

So much to say on these topics, as I have amused myself with them for quite some time.

Growing up in the strict Baptist church that I did, we were taught that premarital sex was horrible, and actually any touching was sinful. Holding hands may be ok, depending on the church leader you ask, but generally at any functions, 6" distance was required between male and female.
They taught courtship and friendship should be the basis for any couple looking for marriage.

There's a part of me that, now, can see the beauty in that. But experience has taught me that compatibility sexually is just as important as any other aspect of a relationship.

There has to be some approach that allows getting to know someone completely. I wouldn't marry someone if I didn't know a lot about them, or say, their budgeting ability...why would I marry someone not knowing about this major aspect?

Then, there's the argument that sex is not a major component, or shouldn't be. But reality is that for some, it is. And for me, at this point in life, it is very important. I've lived half my life with little sex. Next relationship, a fulfilled sex life is a goal.

I don't think being absolute besties with ones spouse is the only way. Your loyalty can still lie with the spouse, and have a meaningful best friend relationship with another. Some people want and need that. I think this is just another area that our culture gets stuck in a rut of this is the only/best way. Truth is, in my observation it can happen both ways, and be successful either way.

I don't really have a true best friend...I have friends but nobody I really consider a bestie. My one friend I'm closer to but, we really aren't best friends.
When I enter a relationship again, in time, or if she does, we will still be friends, but not close as we are now I guess. And that's fine.

[amy40]

There has to be some approach that allows getting to know someone completely. I wouldn't marry someone if I didn't know a lot about them, or say, their budgeting ability...why would I marry someone not knowing about this major aspect?

I don't think being absolute besties with ones spouse is the only way. .

I think having a best friend or friends is important outside your spouse.

As far as getting to know someone completely before marriage, I'm still learning things about husband that I never knew.

[Stillness]

It seems like trying sex out first makes more sense, but in actual practice it doesn't work that way. The research I've seen and my experience tells me that people who wait are happier.

I don't know all the why's, but I think part of the problem is that sex creates a bond and emotions that cloud judgement. It's not like trying on some jeans to see how they fit. If you're regularly having sex, you can't assess well whether or not the person has the other qualities that would make them a good mate. You're already hooked.

Also, it goes towards ideology. If the couple views marriage as uniquely sexual and sacred, they've already got a stronger compatibility than people who just have good sex. Bodies and feelings can change. When it's just a physical thing, the sex can go with it even if it was good at first. Look at how many people come here complaining that things went south in the bedroom.

[atskitty2]

Amy, by completely I didn't necessarily mean to know everything about someone. Of course we can never achieve that.

I meant completely as in, thorough knowledge of them. Especially the major aspects, such as violent tendencies, religious leanings, work ethic, family bonds, etc.


of course, even knowing someone thoroughly is no guarantee, and ppl also change.
I would just prefer to err on the side of caution early, rather than potentially be burned later. People can hide things easier in early stages, and I'd just prefer to be proactive.

I have actually toyed with the idea of taking a no sex approach to dating. No sex until .... idk?
It's a crap shoot, as best I've been able to determine. lol

[amy40]

I meant completely as in, thorough knowledge of them. Especially the major aspects, such as violent tendencies, religious leanings, work ethic, family bonds, etc.

Sorry, kitty. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to date in 2017