It's such a long story, but what do you do when a long-standing friendship is bringing you down? I try hard to keep positive thoughts and energy around me to feed on. It seems every time we go out, it's an overwhelming kind of "wtf is going on", sort of moment. She is completely hung up on a guy she never really dated, for a short period of time. Mostly I just let her vent and try to listen with no sharing of opinions. But inside I'm thinking, what the hell?
She checks her phone constantly, cannot ​seem to manage a discussion about anything other than how terrible men are, and it's just so annoying. She's depressed. I get it... I can't help her self esteem and change her.
I'm just not in that place. I do not understand how she can still be this way. I said something kind of harsh to her last summer, and it actually seemed to help for a month or so...til she met this dude that's done nothing but jerk her around.
I am certainly no expert on relationship building, and I don't pretend to be. Her approach and her demeanor is just exhausting at times.
We're both nearly 45, divorced. I have tried to distance myself a bit, then I feel kinda bad. She needs her friends right now.
But for my own sake, some days I just have to say no to meeting her. I'm struggling with my own issues, and don't want to hear about how much she loved this man and was totally disrespected, how she hates men, etc....
I've encouraged her to speak with a counselor, and try to work through the depression. She won't go. I hate seeing her fade into this person. I can't help really, but idk how to even be just a support for her anymore. Because I simply don't support this behavior or mindset...and everything I say, even gently, is met with defensiveness.
It's her choice.
She thinks I take dating hiatuses because of the men. I told her that I take breaks usually because I am unable to focus on it at the time, not because of the men. I don't always have the time or energy necessary to invest...such as now...
I explained that I had been focused on work, possible promotion, my family situation and there's no time for meeting men or trying to build a relationship so I haven't actively tried to meet someone. Not because I am grieving the last relationship. I told her I am not too broken up over the last breakup to move forward. She thought that we were more seriously involved. I told her, we cared about each other, but it was just a few months and it just didn't work out. Nothing really to grieve. I was sad, but I'm over it...we are friendly and chat occasionally briefly. Wasn't the end of my world...his either.
Anyway, I feel like a horrible friend. I don't know always how to draw a line on her messed up outlook and protecting my own. I'm not in a super positive place right now myself, but she really makes life seem hopeless. Changing the subject almost never works. She always brings it back, and it turns into a tug of war sort of dialogue.
Thoughts? Suggestion for maintaining balance and boundaries while still being a positive influence, maybe?
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