[amy40]

I just don't know how to be there for her and be a good friend, which im determined to do, without sacrificing my own mental health.

The spoon theory. You only have so many spoons per day. If you use a spoon on your friend by going out or talking a long time on phone, one less spoon for you. So you may have to give up cooking for yourself that day or give up your shower. Because once your spoons are used up, they are gone until next day.

So some days, you may just have to tell her, you need that time for yourself that day and make plans for a different day. And spread out the times with her a little longer in between, to preserve your health and energy.

[atskitty2]

I have done that amy, and it definitely helps. I have also left plans tentative occasionally in case I just don't have a spoon left for her that day lol. That way I can spend time with her if I'm up to it.

I think I'm probably doing all I can....I've been told to find new friends, by a family member I shared her story with. I also agree with that, but it's not too easy to do either.

[atskitty2]

We went out last Saturday evening. Several little annoying things popped up, but I looked past them. Things that were more difficult to overlook: She'd gone out the night before so she wasn't up for much on Saturday, but had said she wanted to go out dancing, and this and that...she didn't tell me that she changed her mind until after dinner.
She had to pick up her daughter at 10, which again was smack in the middle of our "plans", and she didn't tell me until I'd already committed. Not a huge deal really, but I had planned and dressed for an evening out, not just dinner and home...

I had a rough couple weeks and needed a night out to unwind. She had indicated that she was up for the same. Had I known she'd be yawning by 11, I'd have made plans with others. This sort of thing happens rather frequently. I don't get every weekend off, so my weekend is valuable to me. I should probably ask immediately before going out if her ideas changed, because saying what I have in mind never seems to matter.

I feel small and petty for being bothered tho...just seems silly, but I get agitated by it a lot.

[amy40]

sorry kitty that you had a rough couple of weeks and didn't get the chance to unwind like you expected

[atskitty2]

I think my friend is finally going to see a counselor. I fear she is really nearing some sort of point of no return and I'm concerned. We went out on the spur of the moment one evening recently and had a few drinks and talked. I was rambling about work and I look over and she's got tears in her eyes...at a bar, full of people. I didn't know what to say. She'd had her vent period and I thought she was done. I was telling some ridiculous story from work.

She showed me a pic of her swollen face from crying all night. She is really struggling and I have encouraged her to see someone. She needs to process all this grief differently. She is a mess.

I'm not always the best person for comfort and nurturing when it comes to this stuff, so I felt like an ***. I just had no idea how to comfort her. What she's upset about is reasonable and understandable, and I feel for her. Her management of it I fear, will destroy her.

[Popcorn&Candy]

You could have written this post about my best friend. She often mentions her troubles, which are pretty serious. I am certainly on her side but it can be stressful in her company sometimes. Like you, I care for my friend, but you have to look out for yourself, too. Don't be a martyr. Be honest with her about your feelings. Be kind, though: there's no need to kick her when she's down. Tell her what you've told us with a kind delivery. And say what you'd expect from her: it could be a night out once a month or one day a week she isn't talking about her problems. Be assertive and make it clear what you'd like in return for your efforts in the friendship. Confronting her is the key. Otherwise you'll grow resentful and the friendship will fizzle out. I am sure she's been a good friend in many ways, but you need to be direct with her.

[amy40]

I think my friend is finally going to see a counselor.She needs to process all this grief differently. .

that's good she is going to go see a counsellor
it is sad she's held on to the grief so long as it keeps her from moving forward with her life


atskitty2
kitty, I know your newest post is a rant, but did she ever start going to a counsellor?
(after you posted that you thought she might start going to one)

[atskitty2]

I've reached another frustration point so I must vent...

I guess part of it is that I have so few people to hang out with regularly, that I fall back on a few people and she is a regular. That sounds terrible, and I do mean that I am more frustrated that it's so difficult to form friendships these days.

She told me last week, or rather ranted, that she saw the dude from last winter. He was with a girl. They were hanging out at the same place they used to. She was flipping out over it.

I just listened. I don't think I said anything to her. I was just confused. I was actually speechless maybe.

I simply don't know what to say to maybe cause a light bulb to come on for her. I cannot grasp the ideas in her mind at all any more. It's exhausting, and I don't know why it's so hard to listen and be around her at times.

There was no relationship. I have blatantly blurted that out in the past. I've been gentle and sensitive too. If I saw any of the men that I casually dated, I'd just speak to them and not hide behind trees and such to avoid them. She did. I'm guessing my mouth dropped open... As I pictured her ducking behind trees and cement pillars at the mall... As she described.
We are not 16 any more. I just, I can't even imagine any more...

So, she joined yet another dating site... And had herself worked up so much that she was blowing up my phone until midnight on a work night... Even though I stopped answering much earlier...

And so comes the barrage of questions about why I'm not "fishing" or trying to meet anyone. I'm not interested right now.
It's as if she gets a high from the attention. She sat with me one evening and checked her phone literally every 2 minutes or more... When there were people all around to socialize with. There have been times that I have walked away and talked to someone, or engaged in discussions with bartenders or whomever while she waits for responses... Completely disengaged with me and the people around, many happened to be nice people, and some attractive men.

I just cannot understand it.