[Ashlee T.]

I understand. I'm just afraid you're living in the past with him and that this will hold you back from moving on in life and truly being happy. First loves are powerful. They know it. And yes, if his wife isn't aware he is communicating with you, well, remember that you're the one he's hiding. You're the "other" woman. Because an emotional connection/affair is no less damaging than a physical one.

[Needytoo]

Amy40, no his wife doesn't know. She is the extremely jealous type, so much so he can't even call his own Mother without her becoming jealous. A little bit strange I would say after 25 years of marriage. I have told him to let her see our messages but he said no. He doesn't have any friends or does much outside of work. Sounds so similar to my late husband and myself. My ex-likes that he can talk about his family with me and I know who he is talking about. She doesn't allow that. I have told him my late husband and I had issues and if I could go back in time I would have sought marriage councilling. I have only brought it up once. If our communication just stopped I am alright with that.

Beautiful Disaster, I get what you're saying. I feel I am so ready to get out there and date. I have even taken online dating courses and read a bunch of books. But there is something about that online dating this that I just keep goofing up on.

[atskitty2]

Why do you think that it's you goofing up the online dating thing?

[amy40]

He doesn't have any friends or does much outside of work. Sounds so similar to my late husband and myself.
[/QUOTE]

I can understand that. Have encouraged husband to do things with guys from work and he has some but not much. It is easy to come home after work and just hang with family. So it sounds like unless he goes to counselling, you're his sounding board. Maybe as long as you don't get romantic again, it might help him figure out some things with him and his wife? Maybe suggest the counselling to him again?

[amy40]

As far as dating, I'd think it would be easier to date regular rather than online dating. Have you tried to meet people at any church events, social dances, widow/widower groups, or any other groups? Theatre groups and writing groups usually have men in them, also.

[Needytoo]

Skitty2, I feel I am goofing up the online dating thing at so many levels. I know this is how people nowadays date but wow it must be like winning a lottery to find a normal person. I haven't gone one too many coffee dates but their each one the guy is so darn nervous. Now don't get me wrong I am nervous too. Then there is the time put into it all. Most of them just vanish. I could go on and on about this.

Amy40, a lot of people are in this boat. I wish I wasn't one of them. We should have friendships outside our marriage, we need that connection and support system. Because when your spouse is all of a sudden not there and you find you have no one it is really hard. I had to drive myself and my children to my husband's funeral. My brain was so scattered I had no idea how I got there and back, I am so lucky I didn't kill all of us. Again I could go on and on.
As far as my ex, even though we haven't spoken in2 7 years we have lived our lives very similar. I think counseling would help him. In the beginning, our conversation was more on a deeper level, now it is more just more how our days went.

I would love just to meet someone the old fashion way. I do a lot of activities. Have tried the support groups, most they all seniors. I haven’t gone to the single dances, I would be a little braver if I had someone to go with (hate the idea of sitting alone at something like this). I have been thinking about church for a long time. I love the idea of a strong community in a church. I am spiritual, and like this possibility but I do have a few problems. I do pottery Sunday morning and don’t really want to miss that. I also in my youth had a horrible tragedy after tragedy at one church I belonged to. I do realize that all these things weren’t the church’s fault.

[atskitty2]

I've done the online dating thing for 5 yrs now, on and off. It is an adventure isn't it!

Dating at our age takes patience, regardless where we're meeting people. I've met men through friends, there's just something so much more difficult than dating as a teen or twenty-something. So many more things we consider and "think" about.

[amy40]

I love the idea of a strong community in a church. I am spiritual, and like this possibility but I do have a few problems.

Needy....there are lots of churches that meet either Sat afternoon/evening. Some of the bigger churches, even smaller ones like to have lots of activities for people. Some have single's groups, too.

If you do go to one and feel you don't fit in there, don't give up, try another. We go to a few different ones, each has a different crowd of attendees. The bigger one we've gone to is one that has so many groups to join including groups for singles. Medium size has more family/ kid activities. A more traditional one like we grew up in, has a much older population. It might take you a few tries but don't give up
Feel we can't stay at one (like how we grew up) because each one has activities we like, has different people that we get to know. So we alternate between churches.

[Needytoo]

Been looking at the church websites and so far I haven't seen any that have singles groups, maybe they just don't post they have one. Once pottery is done, I think I will check some out.
Had my first kayak lesson at the kayak club meet a lot of people around my age there. A few of the guys even touched my shoulder, not sure what to think about that!!
My ex wants to come and see me, and I at a loss of words on that.

[Ashlee T.]

A kayak club sounds REALLY fun. You'll meet other outdoorsy active people who are probably looking for friends and potential partners too. That's awesome.

I don't need to tell you what I think about your ex visiting. You're on your way to a full blown marital affair, except you're the other woman this time. No judgment here, just hate to see you get into that. You've been through enough, and much of it was at the hand of this very man.