[Boogsmama]

My son has been here for 4 1/2 weeks. Before his arrival my husband and I were told by my doctor to not have sex two weeks before we gave birth. After 4 weeks of our son being here I was trying to set my husbands alarm on his phone, I can never find it so I use the tab bar and scroll up to his alarm tab. Well during this I stumbled across him looking at porn. We've been together for 4 years, married for two and never once have I seen anything remotely like this. I wasn't going through his phone but could only assume it would look bad so I didn't say anything, even though it bothered me. I've obviously been feeling a little insecure with myself since having my sweet boy. Since I did gain quite a bit of weight and have just been feeling blah. Assuming that it was because we hadn't had sex in so long we took the plunge and had sex for the first time in weeks. I guess I thought that would stop the need to look at porn. Tonight I noticed porn again... I don't feel like he's cheating or anything but it kinda bothers me because he's looking at it while I'm home with him, while I'm taking care of our son.. When does he even have the time? I don't know can I just get some advice on how to handle this?

Sorry for rambling and thank you in advance

[atskitty2]

Talk to him. He's really the only one to provide the answers and support you need here, Hon.

Do you have a problem with porn in general or is it just the timing here?

I am not trying to avoid giving advice, there are just many things that are dependent (in my opinion) on what your thoughts are on pornography and the moral and ethical principles that you have. Ultimately this is something that you must address with your hubs. No way around that.

I think, in opening up a dialog with him, just explain honestly what you stumbled upon and how you're feeling about it. Is your relationship and communication strong enough, that you feel comfortable opening up to him?

Oh, and welcome to our forum! So glad you joined us!

[Ashlee T.]

Hey there. I can understand this bothering you. It may not seem like cheating to you, but it is bothering you and making you feel even more insecure during a time when you're already feeling extra insecure. This is such a huge time of change in your lives! Open communication, support and nurturing are critical for your marriage always, but especially right now. If pornography isn't something you're okay with, you need to communicate it openly and honestly.

Kitty is right. There is no way around talking to him about it. If you try, you'll eventually find yourself snooping, looking for things and harboring major resentment.

Congrats on your sweet baby boy!

[Stillness]

Having been on the porn-watching end of a similar issue in a marriage, I can say that it had everything to do with lack of sexual attention and nothing to do with my attraction to my wife. Having a baby can make things weird sexually, but you just shouldn't jump to conclusions and be defensive before discussing things.

I wish you the best!

[Boogsmama]

I plan on talking to him and letting him know that it's bothering me I just have to figure out the best way I want to approach it. I feel comfortable about opening up to him about how I'm feeling, I just have an issue when I feel like it could start a fight, that's the last thing I want is him getting defensive and feeling like I'm attacking him. Because I'm truly not, but at the same time I felt like us having sex should have helped to mend the issue and it just didn't. It doesn't help that he doesn't initiate sex but watches porn either. It's frustrating and making me extremely depressed. I know talking it out will help I just need to figure out exactly what I want to say, and what I want the outcome to be..

[Ashlee T.]

"and what I want the outcome to be." - Exactly. I realize a man's sex drive doesn't cease just because his wife is pregnant and gives birth. BUT, I'm quite sure no one has ever died from temporarily abstaining especially if you know it's because your wife has just given birth and must heal. I don't think turning to other women, whether it be through pornography or other means is the appropriate answer. Masturbation is one thing, but adding pornography into the mix is another one. How is a woman who has just given birth, who is dealing with crazy hormones, a body she's not used to, supposed to react to that? I wonder how he would feel if you never initiated sex, but got off to other men?

[Boogsmama]

Yes! Never before this time have I seen porn on his phone at all. Then I have a baby and there is all kinds of porn, from homemade videos, of girls half my size... The other part that gets me is he watches it while I'm home, taking care of our son. What a situation.

[Stillness]

When my wife found out about me with the pornography, I was surprised by her response. We had very different views of things. She was angry, jealous, and viewed it as a betrayal. That confused me because not only did she know I watched pornography before we married, but we had watched it together.

I had mostly stopped watching it, but when the sex stopped I was just using it as a way to get by. It was not to replace her or because I thought the performers looked better. I was actually trying to be understanding and not pressure her because she was trying to get her masters at the time.

That latter reason is actually why a decade and a half later, my wife still initiates at least 90% of the time. As I soon found out, it wasn't work, school, life, etc. that was taking her energy. It was simply a much lower sex drive. I don't initiate because I don't want to overwhelm her, so I just let her come to me when she wants to.

Your situation could be entirely different. It's possible that what's going on with him is not what you perceive, though. Men tend to view pornography (and sex as a whole) differently from women.

[atskitty2]

Boogsmama, first then, I suggest you both work on improving communication. You say you are comfy opening up, but only if no risk of him becoming defensive or a fight breaking out? That's not ok. Loving partners should be able to discuss anything. If things begin to be heated, circle back to the point of, team effort and refocus on the benefits for both of you.

Did you guys ever have a discussion on porn before all this?

When you discuss it, try not to make this about right and wrong. Regardless of your stance on porn use, the point here is your relationship not being in a healthy place. Your intimacy and bond is the bottom line here, right? Avoid statements that sound accusatory or critical, just make it about us, we, growing and working together on something that bothers you at this time, but is affecting you both. share the struggle you're having with body image and other things, even if you have already. It will come a bit more "full circle" I think for him if he can get a look at all the ways this reaches and how very vulnerable you are right now.

As Stillness describes, you may be surprised by the reasons he turned to porn.
Keep the focus on progress and improving the situation, and there's really no reason for it to go too far awry. You both want that, and this is just a discussion of how to get there.

Good luck Hon. Keep us posted on how it goes.

[Boogsmama]

I appreciate all the kind words and insight to how to handle this situation. We will be talking tonight when he gets home so hopefully we are able to come to some sort of understanding and I can see where he's coming from.