[PinkSunflower]

So I'm not sure how to word this properly. But when looking for a life partner to grow with, would you go with someone who is practically made for you, but you lack the constant exciting feeling or for someone who isn't exactly matched but you feel excited about them, even if they're quite a sh*tty person?

I'm 19 and I've been in a relationship for 3 years. He's my first everything. Once a month (usually after my girly time) I just don't want to be with anyone anymore, I want to explore. Im an independent person as it is and dont like to rely on others for anything, incmuding my happiness. It's such a bad situation because when I'm happy with him, it's amazing. He's my best friend too. I dont want to imagine my future with anyone else because he ticks all the boxes, but sometimes I feel flat and bland. We discuss our problems and he knows my feelings. I do feel like it's just my age and hormones and the fact I havnt been with anyone else but I KNOW that being with other people isn't how you imagine or how you see on the movies. It's not as smooth as that. The other person might be bad at doing stuff. I have insecurities which would rise and all that stuff that my BF knows and helps me with, the other guy wouldn't have a clue. Another thing is that my bf could say something flirty or call me "baby" and it doesn't do anything for me, but if someone else does it, it usually excites me. Is this just because it's a new person?

As I said, we've spoke about it and decided to have time apart because we were getting so irritated with each other (he goes to school in America so he's away till Christmas anyway so I think it's a good opportunity to just take a breather). We've set conditions that we both agreed with and respect whilst being on a break.

When we're on good terms which is usually most of the time (before this past month) it's delightful but I forget how good it feels when we have problems and I get this ****ty feeling of wanting to explore.

So what is love to you? Is it that butterfly feeling where your head is in the clouds. Or is it something you work at and you choose to be with that person because you match up and have lots in common and they treat you well etc. Like that is love?

This has been going on for so long, I tried to speak to a councillor about it but I wasn't severe enough for their help. Has anyone else faced the same feeling? I want to love him with every ounce of my being because he deserves it, but it's judt holding me back.

[PinkSunflower]

Excuse the lack of sense, I'm half asleep lol.

I bet if I wrote this when I was in a happy phase of my relationship, it'd be alot more cheerful. I've just remembered how I'm like a little excited kid around him when I'm going through a good phase. It's like a switch, one day I'm totally obsessed and a few days later I'm feeling bland about us and drained.

I go out to visit him in a few months and I imagine these feelings will temporarily disappear and everything will be fine because that what happened when he came home the first time after 5 months of being away... but then the feelings returned. Y won't they just leave my brain? I don't need this confusion in my life haha!

Ps. Can I delete this whole post once I'm satisfied with the answers I've received?

[Chandlers]

I think because you are independent and you are alone a lot due to him being in America for months, the "best friend" side kicks in more than the "boyfriend" side. There is a lot of work involved in long distance relationships to keep the spark alive. You could be yearning for love that you miss when he's not here, yearning for that excitement that doesn't happen as you are alone and therefore crave for both, love and lust.

You are right, you can have a lustful night but chances are that's all that guy was after, wanted and played out for. Then I am not sure how you will feel after, will there be guilt, will you feel horrible, more than likely, whilst trying to not remember the lust side.

I think that your boyfriend fits with you but you don't see him enough and there's not enough chemistry time between you two. Being a mate and understanding you is definately part of love. Knowing someone loves you and knows you and accepts you for all that you are and you back, is love. Laughing and having a great time, a hug that actually means something is love.

I think that somehow you two need to find ways to re-kindle this love whilst he is away, not only when he's back by your side.

My nephew once asked me if he should stray and have a good time. He had been with his girlfriend since 13. All I could say to him was, " if you were to sew your oats and she left and refused to ever come back to you, ever, how would you feel?" "Could you see her totally out of your life for good?" The answer to that was no, and so, he remained with her he's 25 now and they are extremely happy together.

First boyfriend/girlfriend also does not mean "they are the one". Some people find their soul mate straight off, others find comfort and happiness but are truly "not" in love with the person, just love the person and eventually leave and eventually after trial and error or time, find the one.

Only you will know where this fits eventually. In love, or just love the person.

[PinkSunflower]

Chandlers You got the bestfriend/boyfriend thing in your first paragraph spot on. I would honestly class him as my soul mate because of how well matched we are. He's the guy that I "made up" in my head. I think a large factor is the flirting side of the relationship. It's not very strong with him because he's such a cheeseball. Also, in a relationship there's a serious side because it includes feelings, if you day has gone bad they're there for the backlash, insecurities and all the deeper things that are not included in "just seeing someone" or "flirting with someone", where it's more light hearted and fun. See, it's all logical in my head but I find it impossible to just kick this feeling. Thank you so much for your reply!

[Chandlers]

I have always maintained PinkSunflower that flirting if done in a light manner with nil intentions or nil actions is good for the soul

[Stillness]

So what is love to you? Is it that butterfly feeling where your head is in the clouds. Or is it something you work at and you choose to be with that person because you match up and have lots in common and they treat you well etc.

The work one.

I'm in my third serious relationship. The first I broke it off after a little over a year because I didn't feel the connection anymore. The charm and beauty was there, but not intellectual fulfillment. I couldn't see myself with her for life. I knew because there was absolutely nothing there anymore - not even a flicker.

The second was passionate and exciting - moreso than the first or my current. The flirting you're talking about was crazy because of the chemistry we had. She broke up with me after about a year. I let her go without a fight because I was tired of the drama. The heartbreak was unlike anything I've ever felt and it was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me.

The third I didn't connect with like the second as far as sexual chemistry, but mentally and goal-wise, we connected on a much deeper level. There was some chemistry; don’t get me wrong. (One time when we were just friends she asked me to massage her back because it hurt. When I touched her, something like electricity shot through my body and literally forced me to sit down). But, I ended up breaking it off because the passion and excitement I had with the second wasn't there.

But, once I realized the depth of the bond I went back and poured my heart out and pleaded with her to take me back. We've been married for 17 years. My heart still skips a beat when she walks into a room because we work at love, just like we work at everything together. Passion, lust, and excitement can fade. Love never does if two people are committed to it - and you can still have passion.

And welcome to WH!

[PinkSunflower]

Totally agree chandlers light hearted flirting excites me so much

*stillness thank you so much for your reply, hearing stories like yours allows me to see the outcome of different situations and that just because a flare might be there, that can fade and youre left with a person you have nothing in common with. I'm happy you realised you had something special to hold onto, thank you again!

[Ashlee T.]

Chandlers - YOU'RE BACK!!!!! So sorry I couldn't get you into your old profile. But I'm so glad to see you back either way!

PinkSunflower - Sometimes what checks all of our "boxes" isn't what we truly want, it is what we think we SHOULD want. I have certainly had my fair share of relationships where I thought "this guy is everything I should want in a man"........SHOULD want. But the very, very few I have truly been in love with did not fit nicely into mostly any of those boxes.

With that said, hormonal times are bad times to make any big life decisions. Isn't it crazy how hormones can make you feel SO STRONGLY about something and then literally the next day you wake up and think "what was I thinking?!" Go easy on yourself during those times and work to not let negativity of any kind be your focus during them. Envelope yourself with other activities.

If you find yourself feeling this way pretty consistently (not just during monthly visitor times), then consider taking a more official break. An actual cutting ties for a while break.

What is love to me? Pretty much what I've always felt that it was, but just couldn't find. Someone who is my best friend.....truly my best friend. Someone I never resent being around, who I always look forward to their presence, who I miss when they leave even though I enjoy my solitude, someone who laughs with me, who puts himself aside (and vice versa) at times when I am in need, someone I can truly picture my future with, not just a future with all the boxes checked, but a HAPPY future. A future that says "If we never got married, never had kids, never got rich, I would be completely happy with this person." It took me until I was in my late twenties to find that and then tragedy took it away from me. But, then I found it again and it was even more than I had ever expected. I am much more thankful now.

PS. We don't delete posts. The reason is, your post may be incredibly helpful for someone else who comes here seeking answers.

[amy40]

Someone who is my best friend.....truly my best friend. Someone I never resent being around, who I always look forward to their presence, who I miss when they leave even though I enjoy my solitude, someone who laughs with me, who puts himself aside (and vice versa) at times when I am in need.

BD hit it on the nail! Perfect description.

so perfect that the only thing will add:
he is the only person who truly knows me probably even better than I know myself AND still likes me
love, of course, is important but so is liking someone (I think)

[Popcorn&Candy]

I think it's all a myth when people talk of sparks flying and instant chemistry and soul mates and "the one". There can be lots of "one's". I don't look for the spark anymore: I stick to friendship and loyalty. I'd rather have a best friend in a boyfriend than fireworks. It sounds boring, but a bond goes deeper than passion. Admittedly, I don't have a boyfriend ATM but I have male friends and could not live without them. I think you should be realistic about your expectations from the relationship and go on from there. It can become so easy to be complacent. That's not to say you shouldn't live your life like an adventure, but I would advise you see things clearly.