[jns]

I think you have to figure out a way to get away from this situation. You are a moth being drawn to a flame. I fear it may not turn out well for you. Is there a way you can do your job but be physically at an inconvenient distance from this lady? How about going on an extended vacation to let the emotions cool? A vacation would cause this lady to have to do her own work. Have you ever thought about dating again? I think some of the vulnerability to this lady was due to not having a fulfilling personal life.

[Gretchen1965]

My friend is a lesbian and she too is attracted to taller, curvier hetero women. We joke about it. I think it more than just attraction though. I think it's a "safe" fantasy that keeps her from having to pursue a real relationship because she fears rejection. She too doesn't see herself as attractive.

You are self-sabotaging. Your work crush is using you, yes. But she's irrelevant here. I will guess you have had other work crushes? The relevance is that you are self-sabatoging. Calling yourself ugly and unappealing is your minds way of making an excuse to not pursue healthy viable relationships. Think about it. Are you attracted to every woman you meet? I'd venture to guess the answer is no. So you should not think that just because every woman you meet may not be attracted to you that it must be because you are "ugly". I learned very young that I will "not be everyone's cup of tea", and that is perfectly okay!

Attractiveness is relative. I'm rarely attracted to the guys that women are swooning over. One of the guys I was most attracted to in my entire life was someone most other women did not find attractive at all but I was insanely attracted to him. Go figure, right? My point is, if every day you look at yourself and you tell yourself "I am UGLY. I am hideous. I am not worth anything. No one will want me. I am an ugly monster!"...........then guess what? People will see you as you see you.

I am curious if you grew up in a home that was accepting of your sexuality? Do you live in an area that allows you the freedom to feel openly gay?

This community(where i live) is very liberal and has a high ratio of gays/lesbians in proportion to the overall population. I've never -- not even once, experienced any hatred or lost friends here because I'm lesbian. And I'm openly lesbian. I don't know why, but for some reason I'm strongly attracted to heterosexual ultrafeminine tall curvy women. The reality is deep inside I know that i am hideous looking , every time I walk past a mirror I feel a pang in my heart as I'm reminded what everyone else is looking at . Being an ugly short skinny masculine soft butch lesbian just leads you to a viscous circle which if your lucky enough will break one day but otherwise you will be in a dark pit for a lot of your life . I'm about 5'3", and when I'm out and about and look around myself on a typical day, most people seem well and truly taller than me (including women). I feel a kind of resentment, over having been born this height, identifying as a lesbian and being attracted to women, none of which I regard as my choice. I also feel envious of tall butch lesbians.

The very thought of politely expressing my affinity for tall curvy attractive ladies seems to go along the lines of me being a freak or perv with a tall curvy woman fetish. Am I only allowed to be attracted to ladies my height or shorter? Seems very restrictive. I like them all but prefer them tall. Is this wrong? By the way, this has been an issue for me since I was 12. My earliest sexual fantasies were about Sophia Loren.

[atskitty2]

I'm curious why you consider your attraction to a certain "type" a fetish? It's a preference, not a fetish. That's not uncommon at all.

Some people have a stronger preference for certain appearances. Others less so. I tend to have different taste in men than many women, as BD says. I'm often attracted to men that my friends are puzzled by.

Your self loathing is troubling quite honestly. Again, I hope you'll seek out a good counselor to help you through this. Until you gain some confidence, some self worth, I think you'll be unable to find strength to make right this situation at work.

[Gretchen1965]

I think you have to figure out a way to get away from this situation. You are a moth being drawn to a flame. I fear it may not turn out well for you. Is there a way you can do your job but be physically at an inconvenient distance from this lady? How about going on an extended vacation to let the emotions cool? A vacation would cause this lady to have to do her own work. Have you ever thought about dating again? I think some of the vulnerability to this lady was due to not having a fulfilling personal life.

I was thinking of going on a vacation to get away from this whole situation with this woman my touchable colleague. I literally can't keep my hands off of her. I've been having a rough time the past three months worrying about this stuff. I am a 53 year old woman and for as long as I can remember I have been attracted to tall curvy ultrafeminine attractive heterosexual women. When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. Because I knew I wasn't like the other girls, and attracted to what they are. Am I just seeking validation for my actions towards this woman my touchable colleague?

[Gretchen1965]

I'm curious why you consider your attraction to a certain "type" a fetish? It's a preference, not a fetish. That's not uncommon at all.

Some people have a stronger preference for certain appearances. Others less so. I tend to have different taste in men than many women, as BD says. I'm often attracted to men that my friends are puzzled by.

Your self loathing is troubling quite honestly. Again, I hope you'll seek out a good counselor to help you through this. Until you gain some confidence, some self worth, I think you'll be unable to find strength to make right this situation at work.

Why do you think that until i gain some confidence about my physical appearance i'll be unable to find strength to make right this situation at work? Please explain that to me. Please be brutally honest.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I second atskitty2's post.

[atskitty2]

Unfortunately I don't have time to go into as much detail as I'd like.
Do you think you can do this on your own? Do you think you can just stop, without understanding what's happening in your mind? Sure, you could. My goal for you is more that you work on the bigger issue and heal your self.

You're suffering from no self esteem, and you're getting a sort of charge from this beautiful woman allowing you to touch her. Something you probably think would never happen, since you think you're so hideous.
You're getting something out of this deal, and the fact that it's all messed up matters little to you, because your perspective is unhealthy as well.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm 5'3". I like my height and so do men who are attracted to short women. Don't you imagine there are lesbians who are attracted to shorter women in the same manner you are attracted to taller women? You are not disabled. You are not born flawed or inadequate because you're shorter than the average woman. Like Kitty said, attraction preferences are not fetishes and there is nothing wrong with them.

"When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. " You felt like a monster because you were into your girl friends and they were into boys. You felt abnormal. Inadequate. Like something was wrong with you. That has carried over into adulthood. Doesn't take a licensed therapist to figure that one out.

As I mentioned previously, you are a reflection of what you believe about yourself. If you tell yourself you're ugly, inadequate, abnormal, etc then that's what you'll reflect to others. How can you establish confidence you don't have? FAKE IT. Fake it until you make it. Go into stores and ask the store associates to help you in putting together a wardrobe that flatters your appearance and personal style. Go to a salon and ask for a hairdo that flatters your facial shape. Go to a dept store and ask them to help you pick out some low maintenance makeup/skincare that will give you an extra boost. Get into the habit of bathroom affirmations. Every time you walk into a bathroom and see a mirror, say "Dang girl........you are looking good today!!!" whether you believe you do or not.

With your colleague, again....I think she's irrelevant and this is all just you acting out due to your insecurities. The funny thing is that I believe she is also acting out due to her own insecurities. Your biggest concern here is not you attraction for her, but the very real risk that she or another colleague will report you for sexual harassment. If I were working with someone and they were constantly touching a coworker, grabbing their breasts and smacking their butt......it would make me incredibly uncomfortable and I would find it terribly inappropriate. Do not be surprised if someone reports you.

[Gretchen1965]

I'm 5'3". I like my height and so do men who are attracted to short women. Don't you imagine there are lesbians who are attracted to shorter women in the same manner you are attracted to taller women? You are not disabled. You are not born flawed or inadequate because you're shorter than the average woman. Like Kitty said, attraction preferences are not fetishes and there is nothing wrong with them.

"When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. " You felt like a monster because you were into your girl friends and they were into boys. You felt abnormal. Inadequate. Like something was wrong with you. That has carried over into adulthood. Doesn't take a licensed therapist to figure that one out.

As I mentioned previously, you are a reflection of what you believe about yourself. If you tell yourself you're ugly, inadequate, abnormal, etc then that's what you'll reflect to others. How can you establish confidence you don't have? FAKE IT. Fake it until you make it. Go into stores and ask the store associates to help you in putting together a wardrobe that flatters your appearance and personal style. Go to a salon and ask for a hairdo that flatters your facial shape. Go to a dept store and ask them to help you pick out some low maintenance makeup/skincare that will give you an extra boost. Get into the habit of bathroom affirmations. Every time you walk into a bathroom and see a mirror, say "Dang girl........you are looking good today!!!" whether you believe you do or not.

With your colleague, again....I think she's irrelevant and this is all just you acting out due to your insecurities. The funny thing is that I believe she is also acting out due to her own insecurities. Your biggest concern here is not you attraction for her, but the very real risk that she or another colleague will report you for sexual harassment. If I were working with someone and they were constantly touching a coworker, grabbing their breasts and smacking their butt......it would make me incredibly uncomfortable and I would find it terribly inappropriate. Do not be surprised if someone reports you.

I am very thankful to you. But i am 53year old and it feels too late. Is it too late for me? I think i'm really ugly. I think i am just exceptionally unattractive or have some sort of defect in my demeanor and there's nothing i can do about it. Do you really think that this woman my touchable colleague is also acting out due to her own insecurities? I do have "power" over her. I can muck things up for her with our clients. Also i am well liked and respected by other women my colleagues. Being well-liked at work means there's more people on your side.This woman my touchable colleague is considered by most of these women our coworkers stuck up,overdressed snob. But she never wears anything trashy. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She has a more stylish sense of fashion but she keeps herself well covered. She is not particularly fond of wearing revealing clothes. She prefers to wear covered, yet form fitting fashionable clothes. What's happening to me?

I don't understand it. I feel the overwhelming sensation of guilt all the time. I am sick of this. I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don't want to waste anyone’s time but I had to get some of this out of my head. What is wrong with me? I am taking advantage of her and i am afraid that i will just go even further. I haven't pushed her into having sex so far. It's just the obsessive touching her and groping her. And she is 100% straight. She would never want to kiss a woman. She is very sexually attracted to men. She is completely the opposite to a homophobe... but she is literally 100% straight. I am important to her as a colleague,so she is willing to sit/stand out the groping,rubbing and hugging. She can't even say no or push me away. Most of other women at work probably think that we (me and this woman my touchable colleague) have a weird bond like that. The thought that I could be a sexual predator makes me crazy.

I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? I feel so dirty and guilty. I just hate myself. Now I'm convinced I'm a perv and a sexual freak. Why am I like this? Why?

[jns]

When bonding and love hormones are strong, they can cause irrational behavior. A person can even see it in themselves but cannot easily stop which is why I suggested the vacation. The reiteration of you being 53 brings up another question: Have you gone through menopause or are you going through it now? I ask because menopause can drastically change the hormone mix and a woman can end up with different sexual desires because of it. Some women actually get stronger sexual urges after menopause.