[Lindy56]

The one thing i have not mentioned before is that he has said to me, if you were talking to other men it would not worry me because it would not affect US!!! so i have been very tempted to do it just to see how he would really react.

[WildChild]

Oooo Don't know if I'd go there. Just because he said it, doesn't mean he really means it! After 18 years of marriage you'd think he'd have more sense. Take the high road in terms of your own behavior. No matter what he does, if he leaves or not, you always have to live with yourself. So he's what? In his 40s? Suppose this is a mid life thing? It really is very self focused and selfish and the stuff about it not affecting "US" is a load of you know what, if it was true you wouldn't be on here. No matter how he tries to justify it if nothing else he is putting a lot of time and energy into this, time and energy that could be going into your lives instead of his fantasy!

He needs to recognise that whether he thinks it's valid or not, this is hurting you and if it's hurting you, it's hurting the relationship. You say he's got email from hundreds of women - contacting them individually wouldn't be feasible? If he's got a couple he is actually talking to you could let them know he is married and living with his wife and family - they may then break it off but that won't stop him from forming new contacts. What about a back door approach? Is he meeting these people on chat sights or dating sites, you know the stats, dating sites are loaded with married people. If it's chat sites you could go on as a new poster and talk about your situation and gradually let out enough clues that it would be apparent who he is?

Really that's all game playing. He is the source of the behavior and he needs to change it. If you call his bluff you have to be prepared for the possiblity that he's not bluffing. If he is that unwilling to respect you and your needs what have you got that's worth saving? He agreed once to stop this and didn't? He's made an ultimatum to protect his negative behavior, have you made one? One that you would be prepared to follow through on if he doesn't stop? For him to see you are serious, you can't be wishy washy.

Certainly you should know him well after so many years and know what may work. All we can do is bring up possiblities and ask questions.

[Lindy56]

It as helped alot to know that people agree with me that this is not normal for a married man to do. And he is in his fifties. I have been thinking that perhaps i was making too much of it all, but i have tried to ignore it but can't. He tells me that i am the one that is damaging our marriage by taking it so personal, and that it is nothing to do with the way he feels or don't feel about me. He doesn't actualy go into chat rooms, it is all done on messenger, i used to be able to get into his logs but somehow he put a stop to that. Like i say to him if you have nothing to hide why do you hide it from me.
I find it very hard to trust him, when he goes out i am always thinking he is meeting someone, but he says i wouldn't meet any of them because it is not me in the picture.

[WildChild]

Maybe you should quit trying to figure what he is doing and decide what you are going to do? Can you live with this? If not what are you going to do instead of living with it?

[Lindy56]

Husband's fantasy life

Hello everyone,
Well i thought all this was over that is why i have not been around.
But to my surprise i have found out yet again that it is still going on!! He left his mobile at home the other day and it went off, so i went and looked to see if it was important (work wise). And to my surprise it was a message from a women, so i looked through his messages and low and behold there were several to and from 2 different women. And this evening well morning really as it was 1am his mobile rang, i went out to see what was wrong, as his dad as cancer and it is a matter of time and i thought he might need me. I heard him talking in the bathroom very muffled, so i waited until he came out, and first he denied even talking on the phone. But i told him i didn't believe him and so he said it was one of the women that had been texting him, i of course was furious and told him i want him to leave this time.
But he is still insiting that there is nothing wrong with all this. I realy am now at the end of my tether, i don't know what to do.
I have found out that one of the women lives in the same town as us, so you can imagine from now on ever time he goes out i will think he is with her.

[mygdalia58]

husbands fantasy life

I understand what your saying they are caught in the act and yet deny everything, why . My husband has been lying and hiding things from me for the past 6months, I know for a fact he had an affair with a younger woman, no matter what i say and showed him he still denies it. I am 42 years old and he just turned 33, he fantasizes about younger women. I've even caught him masturbating in the bathroom looking at porn of younger women, he barely touches me, and when he does its not the same. He has not kissed me in 6months, we had sex and it lasted 5 minutes he didn't look at me or kissed me, I felt less of a woman. The question is what do we do about it, do I give him his life back and divorce him or confront him again and let him deny it. No matter what we say or do I feel like a failure because I couldnt satisfy my husband or I got old and not the same anymore.

[blondie80]

Ok im going to post from a chatters point of view here, I chatted in a sexual manner and was also addicted to these sorts of sites for about 2 years, this is a problem it is cheating no matter what sort of deal he tells you its not real its not this its not that, it is. There is always feelings involved and attraction or otherwise he wouldnt still be doing it i slept with my computer next to my bed just incase i missed something i was that bad, at that time i was escaping a bad relationship where i was being harrased and stalked and that was mine I felt loved accepted and attractive to someone that is what these women get out of it they get attached to the people that they chat with all the time and she obviously trusts him enough and thinks he is single or testing the waters if she is calling at 1am, if she is a chatter just the same as him then she is considering what is next.
I would sit and tell him that just because he has not acted on it does not mean he has not cheated in some way, he married you vowed to be only with you and if a woman is ringing him at 1am to get her rocks off it means he is not being faithful to you even if he hasnt had sex with her he may as well.
In any relationship there is give and take and he should understand this, if he is just for you and its not affecting your relationship why is it causing such a drama? There is surely other things that have needed to be adjusted and changed in your relationship over time so why not this as well, sure enough if he was watching porn or something, they arent real people he cant connect with them he cant talk to them and get encouragement and other things from them, these are real women with real feelings and real intentions I would be telling him that if it doesn't stop you will leave he is meant to love just you, he is being childish to think that this doesnt affect you it affects everything that makes you a couple if it didnt it wouldnt be a problem for you, he needs to grow up wake up and realise his alter ego is not an excuse and is not a different person and he needs to stop this or leave if he isnt willing to.

[mygdalia58]

husbands fantasy life

Thank you, i guess I needed that, and your right he said I do to me, he married me for better or worse and if it isn't enough then we should'nt be a couple. I need for him to love and desire me not some woman on the internet.

[Hopeless Dork]

If he is using a different picture, different name etc.. theres a real high probability that he has ZERO intention of actually meeting these women. But he is carrying on an emotional affair which is probably equally or even more upsetting. He's choosing to spend time he could be spending with you... out in cyberspace, now via phone etc.. with strangers.

He is likely addicted to the thrill of roleplaying, of being someone different than he is - thats fine for video games but he's crossed a line by emailing these women, now talking on the phone too. He is escaping reality, I think all of us do it in small doses... watching a movie, reading a book - becoming engrossed in being taken out of our here and now but he's beyond that.

Giving him an ultimatim may lead to the end of your relationship as its going to be hard for him to stop this until he's ready, not just when you tell him to. How long should you accept this? You shouldn't be accepting of it at all. He didn't tell you when you married him that he spent half his time as another person with other women and for him to expect you to just go along with it is pretty selfish.

Outside of the fantasy stuff, how is he with you? Do you feel loved? Do you feel like he spends time with you? Does he make you happy and satisfy you sexually? Is he a good man besides this stuff that he is doing?

[mygdalia58]

obssessed with porn sites

I have a problem with my husband he is obsessed with looking at younger women on porn sites. I am 42 and my husband just turned 33, I never really had a problem with internet porn once in awhile but i've caught him pretty much everyday and has masturbated several time, but he wont make love to me, Is there a problem with me what should I do. I can't compete with younger women online I don't have the energy and everytime I know for a fact he is in garage or bathroom masturbating it hurts like . If he where to cheat on me with my best friend it would hurt less. I can't take it anymore. At my age he is breaking my heart.