[CHANDLERS WISH]

Let's if we may stick to the actual Threaders questions and not "hi-jack this thread...

He told me at the time that it was none of my buisness as it was his private stuff and i should't be reading it, and he is not allowing me to blackmail him into stopping it because he say's that i will be controlling him.
It does not affect his work because he does it late at night

So far, you have listened to all of "his" points of views.

And they are not points of views rather, "telling you" what it is, like it or lump it.

Once, and only once he said he was sorry and would stop....

But all of his future comments are based on making you feel like you are in the wrong, you are controlling, you two are fine, you are snooping, you don't know what your talking about.

As a result, each time you have gone to leave, you have remained, because he has created doubt in your mind, maybe it's the way your thinking?

For goodness sake?

As Lakerat said way back, "this is wrong on so many levels"....

He is deliberately covering his addiction that he can't stop, as he said " it doesn't effect his work" but what about his marriage?

He doesn't care, he's addicted, he's getting his kicks, he's having fun but at your expense.

He "thinks it's okay because, he's okay with his marriage, he's not worried about doing anything, just the flirting is fun, and he's getting his kicks... But, he is not concerned about how you feel about it.

He's blaming you....

So that, you don't realise or see your way... He want's only you to see his way, hense the emotional words....

It's
Time
To
Leave

Madam... Teenager or not...

He doesn't respect you, going into a bathroom and talking all hours of the morning to some woman who's horny and lonley that he is "councelling" not, sexually, is not what I call husband material.

It's abuse in a different way but it's abuse..

Mainly I think because he has become adictive.

Go...
Then tell him get help or I ain't coming back.

As for the other poster, this advice is for you too, perhaps start your own thread as not to sidetrack from this person's problem, we are definately here to help all.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The one thing i have not mentioned before is that he has said to me, if you were talking to other men it would not worry me because it would not affect US!!! so i have been very tempted to do it just to see how he would really react.

In addition...

I am a believer of give same.... say " ahh why not babe, let me have fun too and off you go" bet it will worry him.

CW

[blondie80]

I know what you mean HD that he is using a fake pic and things like that I once knew a woman doing the same thing happily married with a pic of a much younger girl chatting guys up, after a couple of years she went through a spree of meeting up with many of these men in a few weeks she had met 8 or 9 of them, so that doesn't really garauntee anything much other than the fact that he has started as roll playing.
I think in this situation I would say what is good for the goose is good for the gander so to speak, go have some fun on the net tell your husband your doing that and see how quickly he is looking over your shoulder it wont take long, he of all people knows what happens on there.
CW is right he is addicted and an addict doesn't see a problem unless they want too, they will try every trick in the book to get around it and will justify it how ever they can so then they dont have to admit there is a problem. He is more than willing to let you take blame to feel bad and affect his marraige as long as it doesn't affect his "work"
well that says alot by itself.
I think if this is whats going on then its time to make a decision about your life, he isnt going to stop and he is letting you take the blame for everything and that is really not right, you cant be blamed for him being addicted to something like that, its not your fault its his problem its just getting him to realise it is one.

[Guest]

maybe its time the computer had a virus.

[Lindy56]

That is a good idea Kung Foo, but he as now taken it to his mobile phone, he no longer chats on the computer but instead is texting.
I have actually told the women that was from the very beginning, so that as stopped his gallop so to speak. She is now spreading the word through facebook. Which in fact he as deleted since, being afraid she will write something on it.
He stills sees no wrong in what he is doing, and says it does not affect the way he feels about me. But like i said to him, you say you love me but if you did you would stop after seeing the way it upsets me.

I am still not sure what i am going to do, part of me wants to get even by doing the same thing. I had a young man the other day wanting my phone number, and wanting to come and visit me. But like i said to my husband i would feel as though i would be cheating on him. But now i am very tempted to play him at his own game, i have tried everything else to make him understand how it makes me feel and nothing as worked.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Read everyone's replies.

There is some very good advice.

You have a fear, it's evident... You don't want to loose him so your not maybe looking for answers, in the way that we know you need, rather, your looking for ways in which to make him love you.

They are the answers.

You can't see what your worth, your busy working out how you can keep him whilst he does this to you and puts you down.

Have a think and 10 thousand deep breaths..

CW

[Guest]

ok...heres my view..

1-desiring other women against your wishes is cheating.this has gone way beyond simple roleplay,ito what he calls real life,secretive phone calls,whats next?

2-it is cheating no matter how he tries to justify it

3-it is not your fault

4- it IS your business what your husband does with other women behind your back

5-you have the right to be angry and to put your foot down.

[Hopeless Dork]

Part of me thinks you should do what he's doing and part of me thinks, why should you do that if its not in your nature to go online and be all dirty with guys. Don't change who you are to get even with him, it may or may not work anyway. He may get jealous and realise what he is doing is wrong or he may be estatic that he finally has you out of his hair and can point his finger at you and say you do the same things whenever you get upset at his behavior.

[Haven]

Put it to him succinctly: it worries you that he would take time away from his family so he can lie to real women and have sexual conversations with them.

This has to end. He says he'll leave you if you pull the plug? Ask him what makes his fantasy life so important that he'd consider sacrificing his real life to preserve it. This is something he's going to wake up from, whether now or down the road, and you want him to stop now so he can put those energies to work in his real life. Instead of thinking about what he'll say to some woman on the internet, he should be thinking about how to improve his relationship with you or how to be a better influence on your teenager.

The bottom line is that he made choices in real life that led to commitments. He has to follow through on those commitments instead of escaping into a fantasy land of alter egos and lies told to strangers who are probably lying to him. The life he's living with you may not be perfect, but it's real and it doesn't go away when he sneaks into the bathroom late at night. Does he know you lie awake at night and worry? Tell him.

He's seeing this as a victimless self-indulgence, but what he's doing hurts people. It hurts you, it'll hurt any women who find out he's lying, and it hurts him because he's losing time he'll never get back. What he's doing is wrong and it needs to stop. You can't live like this, and neither can he, even if he doesn't know that yet.

Show him these boards. You've asked strangers for help - next step is asking his friends, his family, and the other women he's been calling. Hopefully he'll realize that this is destroying your marriage before it destroys your marriage.

[mumie]

i have a problem exakly the same wen my partner goes on chat lines or wateva he says hes single and al this jazz....im like why do you do this to me he blames it on me and i start crying my eyes out he brakes me heart into two pieces we got 2getha and a few months into it i cheated on him wen i was 3 mnths pregnant wich you have no idea i regret i admitted to him that i did i hav not or will not do it again i love him so much it was a long time ago now but he stil seems 2 bring it up wen i snap him texn or on chat lines i dont no wat to do im not strong enough to leave him and he noes that!! i hate my life sometimes and for al the women goin threw the same thing i am very sorry cause it sucks i cant even tel ma friends wen i catch up with them or tel my sisters or my mum...i dont wanna turn them againest him im not that kind of person...eny ways i no how you feal love it or hate it...dats life...sucks..be strong though live life to the full