[Butterflyz]

My Fiancee and I have been together for five years now. The last couple of years we have had one major issue that has caused some smaller ones and has put off setting a wedding date. His ex-wife. I am not a jealous person. I just have some issues with the things that have happened where they are involved.

Depending on which one you ask you have different answers on how their relationship ended. When he and I met, I was going through a divorce and he told me that they were split up for six months and he was going through some of the same things. She tells everyone that they were still together for the first nine months of our relationship and that they split up because of him cheating with me.

To this day they both hold to their own story being true. I dont know what to believe. I am not a person who has ever cheated on a boyfriend or with someone who was attached to someone else so just the mere fact that I am being accused of such a thing brings us tension. Not making the situation any easier is the fact that they have a child together, who has heard the mother's version of how things happened, and that has caused some issues with developing that step-parent relationship that is already hard to do.

Over the last few years we have had many arguments about him and how he relates to her. He talks to her every day, but only when I am not around. Text messages, she leaves voicemail messages saying things like, "hey baby" and he denies all of it even when I have seen or heard the messages. He claims that they are just friends, but I dont understand how you could be friends with someone who is so obviously trying to complicate your relationship.

He claims to not have any feelings for her, but when she needs something he goes running. He even took a day off of work to go help her move to a new house.

When I have approached him and told him that these situations bother me or cause me concern, he blames me being insecure and that I have to work my issues out. I have even gone as far as to warn him that if something didn't give there would come a time that I would probably ask him to make a choice. He tells me that there is nothing to choose.

I refuse to marry someone who seems to have other things going on and refuses to consider me in all of this.

Now that I have explained some of the situation, here are my areas I am requesting advice:

*Am I over-reacting or being insecure about nothing?
*Is there another way to try to resolve this situation without being dramatic?
*Since he seems to not care or have any intention of changing things so far, should I just realize that this is a losing situation and leave?

I dont know what to do... I am so confused about all of it. I am not getting anywhere with him about this situation and just dont know how much more I can take. What do I do?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The fact that you are speaking but not heard means he is content to communicate in his language, and his alone.

If he is texting or talking to his ex daily, he's not allowing you two to grow and become one..

I am not a jealous person so i don't have a problem with them being friends, but daily? And, not listening to your needs at all?

There is always two sides to a story and how you project your message across is that you have stated this mainly with patience but nil results..

How long exactly have you two been together? How old is the child? Do you get to see the child and what do the three of you do when your together?

It' easy to say stay or go but the more information you provide the better picture we get.

CW

[WildChild]

May be you should give him some space and time to decide what he wants. In the meantime you can be getting on with your life. See where you both are in a year? He sounds like he moved too quickly from one woman to another, you are right to not want to be so disregarded.

[Iseulda]

I don't really get how you can be not sure when their relationship was over. If a man was still with his wife for the first nine months of your relationship surely you would know about it. I'm also thinking if you are feeling he may be lying about that then maybe you need some time to work out if you want to go ahead and get married - I certainly couldn't marry a man if I couldn't be 100% sure of his word on something as important as that.

*Am I over-reacting or being insecure about nothing?
*Is there another way to try to resolve this situation without being dramatic?
*Since he seems to not care or have any intention of changing things so far, should I just realize that this is a losing situation and leave?

Are you over-reacting? I don't think so - I think this is a very important issue that you have tried to talk about with him and, by the sound of it, been given the brush off. You deserve to have your needs met - It is a very reasonable need to have your partner give you more time and more weight to your opinion and wants than he gives to his ex. His child is different, his child should always come first - and as the mother of his child she does get a certain amount of respect, but only in the context of being his child's mother - not as a woman, not as his ex. My man has kids with another woman and though he and she have not been close for a long time (they split long before I met him and lost the closeness before that) he would still protect her if she needed him to, for the sake of their kids. I think that's a wonderful attitude - but that does not appear to be what your man is doing.

You have told him what you need - he has ignored it. You can keep telling him for as long as you feel able but please don't lose sight of the fact that you do deserve to have your needs met.

Is there another way to try to resolve this situation without being dramatic? - Yes - keep calmly and clearly telling him what you need until you get it or you are certain you are not going to get it. In the latter case the relationship ends, sadly.

Since he seems to not care or have any intention of changing things so far, should I just realize that this is a losing situation and leave? If you are really sure, really really sure, then yes, I think you should. If you are not yet 100% sure that he won't change then keep trying. Tell him calmly what you need. Tell him what kind of contact with his ex you feel is acceptable and ask him if it is possible.

Best of luck.

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't really thinking you are overreacting, its what you feel.. you shouldn't have to appologise for how things honestly feel to your heart and gut... its how you respond to the feelings that is something you have to be more careful about.

She will always be a part of his life because of the child connection, he likely possesses some 'daddy guilt' for being the one to leave and is maybe overcompinsating way too much. Him having a good relationship with her is a good thing, fighting on the front lawn every time he goes to pick up the kid is bad for all parties involved.

But its a fine line.. since they have a history its important that he make you feel secure, and if things are really really over with them.. and the two of you are starting your life together - he needs to slowly but surely bring you more loudly and clearly into the picture to his ex wife.

Like helping her move is fine, he probably feels some obligation to make sure that his kids new home is safe and ready for him/her. Her wounds from the divorce are likely too fresh for him to feel comforable bringing you over to help too... but hopefully at some point you will be able to be more involved in the things he does like that.

[blondie80]

I feel for you on this one, it has to be hard, if you two have been together for five years and he is still being like this with his ex and doesn't understand how you feel or do anything to bring your security back then there is a problem, my partner has an ex wife as well and they have a child together for me to feel more secure with the situation i get told whats going on, if i ask i get assured because he knows this is a tough situation to be in for anyone.
I would seriously be questioning why this is just your insecurity to him, if you were meeting an ex and talking to an ex all the time kids involved or not would he not get jealous or wonder at all? Thats the way i see it.
Take some time for yourself and think about if you can live with this or not if he cant see how hurtful or hard this can be for you then i think its always going to be a problem.
After all is said and done women will also do things to try and upset other women so maybe just keep an eye on both of them it may sound funny, he may be close to right and thinking of his child as well with helping and she may be making more of it! Just watch out!

[Butterflyz]

CW-
We have been together for five years next month. His daughter is 11. I also have two girls, 6 and 10, and we have a son, 3.

His daughter comes to the house often. We all do the same things that I would do with my children. We go to the parks, museams, zoo, aquarium, and other kids places they like to go. We have family nights where we either watch movies, play games or let them put on fashion shows (where they dress up in my clothes, shoes, and make-up, and then have a little "Miss America" pagent all our own). We have fun.

I try to encourage a relationship with her like I have with my daughters, but she still seems to back away from me. I cant help but wonder if it is because of things that her mother has said about me. I have even encouraged her to talk about things she likes doing with her mother, or things she did throughout the week, but she distances herself. I have never said anything negative about her mother to or around her and never would. No matter how I feel about her mother... it is her mother and she loves her to death, the way she should. I encourage that.

My problem isn't with his daughter. My problem is with how he relates with her mother. Everything is always secret like. He doesn't talk with his ex around me. He won't answer the phone when we are together. He turns his phone off or on vibrate. If he does happen to answer the phone when we are home together, he goes on a different floor of the house or outside to talk. "We" never go together to pick up his daughter or drop her off. He always takes me home first or makes me wait at home while he gets her and then we go wherever we had planned to go. I don't even know where they live.

I dont get along with my daughters father. We put on a show in front of them. If there is a problem we discuss it on the phone when they aren't around. I refuse to argue around children. I grew up in a home with constant fighting and will never put mine or anyone else's children in that situation. I wish that I was in a situation where their father and I could be friends raising them because that is the second best situation to raising them in a happy family. So I understand and admire the fact that he could be friends with his ex. My problem is that when there is so much secrecy, no regard for how I feel, and all the problems that have come along with the situation over the last few years... where do we go from here.

Where does a friendship of parents raising a child become a friendship of suspicion? If there is nothing going on, or no feelings, why all of this?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am at a loss here, because it hasn't just started from what you are saying, rather pretty much been going on since you two met.. At that point in time, you weren't pregnant as your son together is only 3 years of age.

I also don't know what type of person she is... ie) She was married to him, talks to him, but you are claiming alot of secrecy, alot to the extent that you don't even know where she lives?

If I was playing "investigator" I would drive by her home when he is not home, to see if his car is there.

In-other-words is it possible that he is still seeing her, and what is keeping him with you is that he has a "son", a baby, and a boy...

Do you work as well, bring money into the house?

I don't feel comfortable that he states " nothing is happening" but you don't even know where you "fiance's" daughter lives, for one...

Your name is Butterfly, we don't know you...

Usually when you have a gut feeling you are correct.

Irrespective if you weren't.. Can you marry someone whom, neglects to tell you things and keeps them secret such as an important address, what if you had his daughter and he left for 1hr and something happened and you needed to contact her Mother?

What reason has he given you as to why you can't have her address?

CW

[Iseulda]

I'd like to add that there may be something 'going on' between them or not - maybe she dictates that he can't talk to her with you listening, that you can come by her house (even to wait in the car while he goes in to collect the daughter), that he has to come when she calls or she'll start making his access to his daughter more difficult. I assume he pays at least child support - maybe she has something on him there, is there any chance he is behind?

I'm saying that because the idea they are having an affair is only one possibility and, until you know something for certain it is *almost* beside the point. The point is you are supposed to be his partner and you are asking him for something and he's not giving it to you. You need to know why.

If I were in your situation I would sit down with him when you both have a little time (can you arrange for the kids that live with you to be elsewhere?) and talk to him. Don't ask him anything, don't accuse him of anything. Just tell him something like what you have told us. Tell him that the behaviour both upsets and confuses you, that you are unsure of your future with him if he can't help you sort this out. Tell him that the current situation is unacceptable to you and you and he need to work together to fix it. Then sit back and listen.

[WildChild]

Iseulda's advice makes good sense to me. No attack, no accusations, just express your concerns and see how he responds. CWs point about emergency situations is very valid. Suppose he and his child by his ex were in an accident and he was unconscious, how would you reach the child's mother? Certain you hope such a thing doesn't happen but life is full of surprises.

If he and his ex are able to have a positive relationship, wouldn't it be so much better for all if you could sometimes do things for his child all together? Some people do have really good relationships with their ex, they can't live with each other but otherwise they are fine. Could it be that they really are friends and he is concerned about your reaction to that? Better to get this resolved for all of you.