[Kristy]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. In the beginning everything was great. Then I found out that he was using the internet and even the phone to relieve himself. When I confronted him about it he said it was something he was introduced to in the military. I felt it was a possible addiction. He told me that he wouldn't do this anymore and I believed him. This never stopped through the duration of this marriage. As of now, we haven't had any type of relations for 1.5 years. I am to a point to call it quits on the whole marriage thing. I caught him this moring, He stated that I had a problem with him for the past couple of months, and that he has tried to be intimate with me, but I wasn't interested. Hello, No he hasn't. he hasn't even touched me, hugged me or kissed me in 2 years. He said that he wasn't going to stop "taking care of himself". I am really stressed. depressed and pretty unhappy. The only reson at this point that I am still here is because we own a business together. I quit last year, but after a week being gone and a new job offer, He told me that the shop would go bust in 90 days if I wasn't there. Suckered again. Back in the same position again. Help any suggestions, advice.

[Guest]

Ask him why he he prefers solo satisfaction as opposed to you.
Approach him when you sense he is in a good mood and willing to discuss. Tell him that if there are things that need to be worked on you are more than willing to do so. If he isn't willing to work on it, it would probably be best to leave him be.

I find it amazing that some people can live like that.

[Hopeless Dork]

Kristy have you innitiated intimacy with him and if so what reaction does he have? What kinds of things do you do to let him know you are interested in being "close" to him.. and what does he say/do when you do it?

Me and my boyfriend do it sometimes every day and sometimes skip a whole week, if during that skipped week I innitiate and he worms his way out of it... and I find he's been using the internet I am livid.

It's one thing that they do that stuff when we are unnaccessable, or if their needs exceed our own, but when they do that knowing full well we have needs for them its so completely selfish, and makes you wonder if they care at all.

For most women porn doesn't do it for them, and even when masturbation fills the physical need, we still crave that closeness that can only be felt giving and receiving pleasure from our S.O. While it seems for men, an orgasm is an orgasm, sure they prefer sex with a real woman to masturbation when all they have is masturbation - but when they can have either at any time.. they don't seem so discressionary.

So.. where does that leave us? When we need intimacy from a living breathing human being to feel satisfied and they don't provide that.. it could lead to resentment, breaking-up, or even cheating.

Cheating is out of the question for me, and I assume it is for you as well as you make no mention of it... you love this man and have tried leaving and for whatever reason (maybe the business, etc) your heart made its way back.

So now you sit in resentment and hurt, feeling likely inadequate and unecessary to him sexually. Talk to him. Be open without accusing. Let him know all that you feel, how you interperet his actions and ask him if that is what he is trying to convey... and if it isn't ask him what you both can do to make each of you feel loved in the ways you need. They may be the same, they may be different. Either way it needs addressing.

[Kristy]

I have talked to him on numerous occations. We work things out for about a 6 month period. "You can set your clock to it." I have initiated in the past. To be honest I don't feel like it right now. I feel at this point that "why bother." Our story is more than just the sex issues, He is also pretty controlling, which resorts in name calling to even go as far as telling me that I'm not intelligent. Which hurts me alot. He always has a complaint about something. Very negative. I understand that we are both under alot of stress and pressure due to the slowing economy. But even in the good times he still has to complain. The reason why I came back to him last year was like a comfortable shoe. Number 1, was hoping yet again that maybe things would change. Number 2 the business. This was my income. Now I am collecting unemployment and not having very good success finding another job. There aren't many commercial sign shops hiring in my area. So I feel trapped.I do have support from my parents. Telling me that I have a place to stay. I just wish that he could be more caring and attentive. I' m tired of doing all the work with nothing in return.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You do realise that words can be cutting, but not "truth".

He is also pretty controlling, which resorts in name calling to even go as far as telling me that I'm not intelligent.

He told me that the shop would go bust in 90 days if I wasn't there.

Bit difficult if you were not "intelligent" don't you think to make that statement?

Your husband acts as if it is "his" life and therefore, there is nothing to be said about it. He will do what he wishes and if you don't like it, he will put you down. Off course, after receiving that type of "love" over and over, your not going to really want intimacy with him...

Without a kiss, a soft embrase, a word, it's just "sex" and you probably feel ewee at the thought.

In what way is he controlling? Does he handle all the finances, have seperate bank accounts to you, buys what he wants, has a hobby that he's obsessed with must have items?

He seems to make the rules though, in how "you" live.

You don't have to live that way, go back to your Mother's and work through finding a job that's yours and a life that's yours and in that, someone who wants to share that life, not their own and you simply live with them.

CW

[Kristy]

Hi CW,

He is controlling in the way of trying to control people. He has to win at everything, has to have the last word. This is hard for me to even write. I control the finances, run the household and yes you are right. We are just roomates. We take seperate vacations, I do my thing and he does his. Very rare occations we do things together. I am trying to get my affairs in order and possibly make the move to leave. I don't know at this point if a therapist would work. I am having a hard time not being angry.

Thanks for the response

Kristy

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mmmm at the "anger" stage..

I guess I may have been a tad luckier, we vacated together, "excepting" he would walk off and I couldn't find him and eventually I would, and I paid for all the holidays myself does that also make it "alone?"...

I get where your at because I've been were you are.

The hardest thing is, I think, is that you've given so much through the course to make it work, you've talked till the cows come home to make some changes but all in vail as it falls back to where it was.

You can't change someone, especially someone whom always thinks that they are right.

There is no room for compromise.

No room for proper communication.

No room. But, roommates.

You'll get even more angrier as time goes on and you'll probably then go for discust and almost hatred ( I don't like that word), but you will and then you will walk.

For now, I suggest you cook your own meals, do your own washing and leave all of his, let him see what it is like having a "roommate" for real.

CW

[baja]

Kristy, can you provide a little more about the chronology? Ok, you were married 10 years ago... when was he in the military? ... when did you find out he was looking at porn? and what happened about 1.5 years ago when things stopped?

Getting insight to the sequence of events might help us piece this together, because I can say that a guy doesn't completely turn-off with his woman, but also continue self-service activities, without something seriously amiss.

[Kristy]

Hi Baja,

We have been together for approx. 14 years. Married for 10. I found out about the porn issues before we were married. (just before). He was engaging in phone sex. He got out of the military in 82. This issue has been off and on through out. A little bit of history, We also work together. Around each other 24 hrs a day. Everything stopped due to the poor economy, him burying himself in work. I think it also has a lot to do with him either being depressed or manic. Not certain. He won't go to the Dr. He is a perfectionist and worries about everything. Usually making a mountain out of a mole hill. He has to analyze every detail of every situation. He really won't elude to the fact of what has gone wrong between us. My guess is that he is a very private person and won't let anyone near him. He told me just this morning that don't be surprised to see a power of attorney on the table and him gone. Bascially leaving me with everything. I don't really know what to do at this point. We are still in the talking portion. At least this is a foot in the right direction.

[Kristy]

Hi Baja, Just a couple more things. He got out of the military in 85 not 82. Also I had a hysterectomy almost 3 years ago. End of next month will be 3 years. Our sex life hasn't been real good for quite sometime. (years). Always some excuse or another. And no there isn't another women. The only thing I have to compete with is the "Business"