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Husband caught on pron sites and dating sites please HELPPPP

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  • Hopeless Dork.. thanks for the advice, not sure what good it will do though as i have spoke to him a million times about it. I never shout at him about it, i figured if i did that then it was just going to cause problems in other areas of our relationship. So i have always tried to sit him down and explain how much he is hurting me.
    Ahryin.. i agree with what you're saying in the sense that there are a lot worse things in the world but surely if the person who is supposed to love you can hurt you knowingly, however they may do it, surely thats the main point? Every situation in the world can be looked upon by saying 'it could be worse' but then nobody would be able to have feelings at all for fear of making a fuss out of nothing.
    I have had bf's cheat on me in the past, which of course hurt a lot. But there were no second chances, they were out the door and i let myself heal. But with my fiance, i find what he is doing hurts more, just for the fact that he knows that was he's doing is going to hurt me yet he carries on doing it.
    In my opinion, porn is something that 99% of men look at. But out of that number of men, for quite a number of them it will become and addiction. Something that will ruin their life. So please, don't get me wrong thinking i am moaning because my fiance is looking at a few pictures. It is the fact that he has now become addicted to it and it is affecting our relationship as well as his moods, his eating habits and his social life. Porn cannot just be dismissed so easily when it has gone so far for some people.

    Comment


    • In my opinion, porn is something that 99% of men look at. But out of that number of men, for quite a number of them it will become and addiction. Something that will ruin their life. So please, don't get me wrong thinking i am moaning because my fiance is looking at a few pictures. It is the fact that he has now become addicted to it and it is affecting our relationship as well as his moods, his eating habits and his social life. Porn cannot just be dismissed so easily when it has gone so far for some people.
      You are totally correct.

      He may have an addictive personality are there other things that he gets involved with and can't shake?

      Smoking
      Gambling

      Internet

      Anything can be an addiction.. An addiction is exactly that and has to be treated, and noted.

      He's not ready to see that he is addicted...

      I think your a very smart lady and I hope you work it out for you.

      CW
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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      • CHANDLERS WISH - Thank you for your support.

        Yes, he has a very addictive personality.

        We had a situation a while back where i went to pay a bill and the card declined. Didn't understand why as i had checked the account the week before and we had more than enough money. I called the bank ready for an argument just to find out that the card had been used on some sort of gambling website. At first i was convinced the card had been cloned and was fuming. It wasn't until i spoke to my fiance, told him i was calling the fraud squad, that he informed me that it was him. He had been regularly visiting gambling sites and as i dug deeper into the issue i found out that he had spent over £3,000 in the past two months gambling. He said he didn't mean to. That is his answer to everything now days.

        I am wondering if maybe there is something that he needs that he is not getting from me? That may sound silly but he never used to be like this. He's just changed. I try my hardest to be attentive and caring. Even with chasing a 1 year old around all day i always make time for my fiance so i really don't know what else i can do.

        I honestly feel the root of all our problems is the internet. But i can't just 'take it away'. He isn't a child and i never want to try and control his life so i really am stuck with what to do!

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        • You have to establish why he feels the need to gamble. That's a shirt load of money... What is he aiming for in life?

          Or not.. Sometimes, it's just wanting to feel the excitement, life sucks and he needs excitement and so gambles, thinking if I lose, tomorrow I will win, it's fun, he forgets the money he's investing.

          Yes then he has an addictive personality but each addiction is only around as long as needed.

          For instance, smoking is the hardest.

          Gambling, if there is NO money it can't be done and after time it's forgotten, so get rid of any ways in which he can do this.

          It's not the internet, that's just yet, another addiction... He's not happy, what is wrong, why is he not happy?

          Your not controlling but is it his job? Finances? Something is amiss and as I said, your smart, so you can work through this.

          CW
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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          • I know he likes his job, but he doesn't like having to work. If that makes any sense. He doesn't mind the job he has but if he had the choice he'd be a millionaire and never have to work again! But if that is what's making him unhappy then there really isn't much i can do about that!

            But honestly, i do not know what is making him feel this way. He's not the best at sharing emotions and i don't want to keep pushing him for answers because then he might never open up to me. I just keep thinking it must be me making him unhappy as i look at the rest of his life and can't see anything that would make him feel that way. I ask him but he says he loves me and i make him happy.

            I'm just hoping it will all turn out ok. We have our good days and our bad days like every couple. I just look forward to the time when it will be more good than bad.

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            • Well then your avoiding the issue, to escape and ensure your safe. This way, there are no problems, right?

              Aren't there?

              If you don't get to the route of things they get worse, it's easy to run and say , let it go, but it will get worse.

              No lecture, lol, I am so sorry.....

              I am, kind of known to go with "feelings", call me phycotic....

              Joking..

              Your avoiding the problem... And, you know it.

              Yes' an addict.

              He has more than one addiction.

              He is un-happy.

              Why?

              xx

              Mean't purely and simply for you to re-read, not to badger but for you to see your original answer.

              CHANDLERS WISH - YES HE DOES HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY.

              Please don't cause yourself even more grief.....

              Face the situation, find a solution, move to an even better relationship and be happy cause you are happy in your life, OR, state what you just did, believe that, live by that and see the next addiction, or the $20k debt in gambling on-line through conning/fraud, because the addiction gets worse.

              Not that, that can happen but let me ask you? Can it NOT?

              Have a serious think about your way of coping with this.

              CW
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • PS:

                Wanting to watch Porn, and be a Millioniarre, Hugh comes to mind ( smile ) ....

                It just clicked..

                Gambling:- wanting to win...
                Porn: Wanting to be the best...

                Maybe? Pends on your sex life, past or present or both.....

                If there is none, then there underlies the problem, in my opinion and do you want for anything? Do you work? If you don't mind me answering, still just trying to see why he has an addictive personality, anything helps.

                Please understand. You don't have to answer anything, only if you want replies, mine will be mine, other's will then make their own call, thoughts, you will be able to see what you feel you can glean and what is not in your thoughts and then maybe have a think about options.

                Ultimately, it will always be your decision.

                Always.

                Best wishes in what ever you decide as your answer.

                CW
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment


                • You are 100% correct in saying i am avoiding the issue. But it is not for fear of making it worse. It's because i don't know how to deal with this situation. I have dealt with bf's cheating and hitting me in the past. I am very capable of dealing with that! lol. It's just i don't know how to help him with this. Even though he is hurting me, he is obviously feeling hurt himself but i have no clue why.

                  I do work, we are not what i would call well off, but we have money for bills, food and then some left over each month as well as our savings.

                  Our sex life used to be really good. But then since he started on the porn sites he has no interest anymore. I even offered to watch some porn with him, thinking that maybe if thats what he liked it might even spice up our sex life a bit. But he refused. In fact, that same night he waited for me to go to bed then went onto a porn site anyway!

                  I don't see what you are saying as a lecture. I asked for advice and you are giving yours and i appreciate more than you know. Since i had my son my friends aren't really around that much anymore so i have no one that i can talk to about this stuff. My closest friend is actually my fiance's sister and i don't think she'd appreciate me asking advice on how to get her brother to stop watching porn!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by OhThereYouAre View Post
                    Guess it just depends on your beliefs and whatnot.

                    But in the grand scheme of things, after 21 years of a relationship, I don't think looking at some naked fantasy women a deal breaker.
                    So you wouldn't be bothered then if you found your OH had been looking at naked men doing things on the net then or is that different?

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                    • Do it together...the more, the merrier. lol!

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                      • Maybe a outside professional help should be available to help you both sort through this. Any form of addiction is hard to overcome. Be strong for yourself first in any manner...

                        Comment


                        • porn but no sex

                          my husband often visits porn sites and i must say it does not sit well with me at all. what kills me is that we hardly ever have sex anymore since i just had our second baby and in the process gained so much weight. should i be worried?

                          Comment


                          • Little Munchkin,

                            I am glad you didn't think I was lecturing...

                            I know he likes his job, but he doesn't like having to work. If that makes any sense. He doesn't mind the job he has but if he had the choice he'd be a millionaire and never have to work again!
                            It does make sense and it explains the gambling... Quick rich plan that backfired, you have to ensure your finances are separated... As, horrible as this sounds.. Because if he doesn't seek help or just undertand that there are no quick rich schemes that can enable him never to work again, he will eat into savings and other monies, and you guys can lose the lot, what ever it is that you have.

                            Addictive behavours - google it and see if any of it makes sense, there are two sorts but it does suggested on one level, depression comes into play.. And, this could explain porn.. Anxiety, depression, in-ability to get it up, turned to porn and now addicted...

                            I'm no Doctor though, don't get me wrong, but it's plausable. There were two other threads on Addictive personalities perhaps search those as well by placing that title into the search engine....

                            If he is depressed, hates to work, so gambles to get rich, gets anxiety as a result he needs to see someone to address that first, then he needs to address the fact that he will have to work and continuing working to continue having at least what he has, even if he can't have more yet...

                            It's easy to fall down...

                            It's not easy to get up.

                            To the threader, sorry your thread got highjacked to a degree, but same topics are at hand.. How are things going for you?

                            Perpeture, welcome to the site.

                            Do you want to have sex? Or are you not ready yet yourself? If you are worried about your weight and naturally all women put weight on after a baby, then start to work it off. Unless, he personally said he doesn't like you being over-weight and doesn't find you attractive and therefore looks at Porn, or in-sinuated it, it may not be the case.

                            Did he look at porn before you had the baby?

                            CW
                            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                            Comment


                            • Ok this is to munchkin, you have had physically abusive partners in the past and got rid of them, to a degree without being able to help someone that has an addiction to the person dealing with the fallback its an emotional abuse, sometimes it can be much harder to deal with, the signs aren't so big and obvious but they are there.
                              He needs to learn that you cannot live your life like this, if he can not admit he has a problem then you cant help him, and how much of this can you put up with? Where else will this addictive personality lead if he can't admit he has a problem?
                              I am saying this because for 10 years I had a partner that had a very addictive personality it took me that long to leave, the gambling had gotten to the point where he had sold my washing machine when I had 3 children in the house, all of this was blamed on me because he didn't have a problem, his porn problem led to him molesting my daughters and thats when I left, I know most of the time these things do not go so bad, and I had an extreme case in my partner at the time of an extreme addictive personality but things can get alot worse and maybe if he cant admit there is a small problem then you need to think of yourself first for a change because you cant help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

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                              • CW - I think you may have been on the right track with the depression thing. I may be completely wrong on this but then again maybe not. My fiance's family are greek and the male members are not the nicest people you'll ever meet. I personally can not stand his grandfather and his uncle. Everytime they are around my fiance all they do is put him down and tell him how much of a failure he is. It really really gets to me and i try and stick up for him when this happens but for some reason when it comes to his family he never sticks up for himself. I'm wondering whether this is the reason he is feeling like this. It never occured to me before because i don't see them as a big part of our life but last night i mentioned something about an upcoming family wedding to my fiance and he suddenly turned to me and said ' i know you like weddings, but i'm begging you don't make me go to this one'.
                                This kind of shocked me because he'd never mentioned anything about not going before. The only thing i can think of is that he wants to avoid being around his male family members. Like i said, i could be wrong. But i was thinking may be that is why he gambles, thinks that if he wins and gets rich then he won't be seen as a 'failure' anymore? Please let me know if this makes any kind of sense or not
                                I don't know how this would explain the porn but it's a start.

                                Blondie - thank you for sharing your experience and i am so sorry that you have been through something so terrible. I have thought many times about leaving my fiance but the thing is, i have made a commitment to him and he obviously has a problem so i can't give up on him yet. If he ever became even the slightest bit aggressive towards me or my son he would be out the door and his feet wouldn't touch the ground. But he is an amazing dad and also an amazing fiance when he wants to be. I sometimes feel i would be better off without him but i know i would wonder for the rest of my life what could have been had i stuck it out and tried to help him.

                                I had a long talk with him last night after all the advice i have been given and he gave his usual reply of 'i don't mean to do it, i don't know why i do'. I asked him if he thought he had a problem and he said maybe. I know that's not a yes but it's a step and he has said he will go to his GP to see if he can get some sort of help. Whether this will happen or not i can't be sure but for the moment he seems as though he is trying. He is at work right now and left me a letter for when i got up. The general gist of it is that he knows he is hurting me and he is sorry for that and he will 'do anything to make it up'. He said he just wants us to be happy but doesn't know why he keeps doing things that will hurt me. He also put that he never thought anyone would want to be in a serious relationship with him so now he's got me he is scared of losing me. Didn't quite make sense to me as i thought surely if he didn't want to lose me he'd make sure he didn't do things to hurt me! But hey, he's a man!

                                All jokes aside, i really hope i can believe what he said last night and what he put in the letter. It is at least out in the open now so he knows that i can't deal with it anymore and he either has to get some help or it's over.

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