[indecisive]

Good point Kaylar! Thanks. I did think of that yesterday when I was sitting around with my friend and we were talking about what I was going to do. I did tell him that I know if I take my husband back then I will lose him because he will find someone else but he said the only way I am going to lose him is if he moves back to his hometown. But I know that deep down he will be thinking that I chose him second and that will ruin everything and he will always feel like 2nd best even if he was to take me back if things didn't work out with my husband.
Another good point made by AFemaleProdigy! I can't go by what friends and family are saying because they don't really know what is going on and I have a feeling that if they knew they would probably want me to still give my husband a second chance because they don't know all of the bad things I have gone thru. He keeps telling our friends that I am the love of his life so they all think that is so sweet and it is but I feel like what the heck took him so long to realize that he has to change to make me feel good. It took all these years of me saying that I was unhappy and he never did anything about and now all of a sudden he says he will change and things will never be the way they were. I am still not so sure that he is capable. I have about a 50/50 thought that he would change. Anyways, enough blabbing from me. I just really need to decide.
Thanks again to the both of you for helping me.

[kaylar]

Take a Chance


Let me put it like this...
if it takes a major shake up
for hubby to appreciate you...
then what are you going to
do next year?

He is not going to change.
When you marry you take a
man faults and all.

Sure, maybe if he's a bad dresser
you can pick out his clothes, and
eventually control his wardrobe so
he can't make a mistake.

Yes, if he thinks a can of corned beef
is food, you can teach him proper
nutrition.

But outside of that, if he's lazy, or
selfish, or a drinker or a sports fiend,
or a workaholic, that's what you
married.

Though he might have moments of
neatness when pressured, or force
himself to pay attention when he
wants something from you, or stop
drinking in your presence, or wean
himself from a sport, and take a
few days off...
his default is lazy or selfish or drinker
or sports fiend or workaholic.
And he will revert.

[indecisive]

I Know That Everyone Keeps Saying That I Should Follow My Heart And Go For My Best Friend Because My Husband Will Never Change But I Am So Confused Still. How Long Will It Take Until I Can Make A Decision? One Day I Think I Have Finally Decided And Then The Next Day I Am Not Sure. It Is Getting Ridiculous. My Husband Wrote To Me Today And Said That He Would Do Whatever It Took To Get Me Back And I Know That He Would Definitely Be On His Best Behavior For Awhile But I Am Not So Sure He Would Stay That Way And I Don't Really Want To Waste A Few More Years To Find Out That He Can't Change And That I Was Right All Along And I Also Lost My Best Friend Who Seems To Be Perfect For Me Plus He Will Be Crushed If I Pick My Husband But I Know He Would Understand Because He Is Just That Type Of Sweet Guy. As I Am Writing This I Am Hearing Myself Basically Say That I Am Picking My Best Friend And I Am Done With My Husband, I Just Can't Seem To Tell My Husband That It Is Over Because I Know It Is Going To Hurt Him So Badly And Even Though He Is The One That Did The Damage I Still Feel Really Bad That It Has Come To This. I Wanted To Tell Him Today That I Am In Love With My Best Friend But Then I Thought That Is Too Cruel And It Would Hurt Him Even More And Then I Told My Best Friend That I Almost Told My Husband And He Freaked Out And Said That That Would Be The Worst Thing For Him To Hear. I Am So Tired Of Thinking Of Everyone Else's Feelings, I Wish I Could Just Think Of Mine.

[AFemaleProdigy]

You do not have to tell your husband that you are in love with your best friend. That is a bit too much to lay on his plate all at once. Just tell him it's over between you and him and that you are not in love with him anymore. No need to say any more. If you are separating for good, then it's no longer his business who you date. Give him time to cool off before telling him there is another man. Otherwise, the blame will all be turned around on you.

You need to make up your mind soon or you will lose them both and it won't matter anymore. You can't keep putting these two men on hold like this. Do what feels right in your heart and what has the most potential for happiness.

[kaylar]

I agree with Female Prodigy.

First of all, the relationship with your Husband is Over.
Doesn't matter...
it is over.

You have a chance with another person.l
This is none of your husband's business.

End the marriage, then move on.

[indecisive]

Thanks again for your support. I do agree with you that I can't keep putting both of them on hold to make a decision. I really think I am hurting both of them by the way I keep telling them I don't know what to do and like you both have said I am taking a risk of losing both of them and then I will really be miserable. Thanks again for continuing to write to me. I really think that I would lose my mind if I wasn't able to talk about this and get support.

[blueeyeblondesweetheart]

I was going to tell you this but then I saw the other women already have,I strongly agree that you are going to lose both if you don't make a decision soon.If you are in love with your friend it looks like your marriage is already over anyway.I had to make decision like this about 5 years ago.My husband was very abusive and I had it in my head I was going to leave him when I got a job and some money up.I met this guy at the apartment complex pool and we became friends.I was immediatly attracted to him.I feel head over heels for this guy.We dated behind my husbands back for 2 months.But during those 2 months something happened and my husband miraculously changed or grew up I should say.We were very young.I had a 2 year old with my husband so I knew I had to make a decision.Me and my new guy had already made plans to move to a different apartment complex together.We were going to get married after the divorce was settled.I chose my husband and I am glad I did.We are now extremely close and have been for going on 5 years.They other guy is on drugs and has been almost his while life.He just did a good job of hiding it from me.I am glad I stayed with my husband.We have 3 beautiful children together now.He knows about my affair or fling.He understands why it happened.People say that people can't change,but they can.We got married when I was 16 and he was 18.We both grew up in abusive homes.He grew up in an alcoholic home and there was alot of fighting.He just needed to grow up.Now he treats me so good.But your situation is not like mine.Just go with whatever your gut is telling you to do.I wish you the best!

[indecisive]

I am responding to Blueeyed: I feel like our situation is very similiar because we got married young and have been together for 15 years and married for 8 years with 1 child. I fell out of love with my husband this past summer because I felt like I had grown up and he wasn't willing to make some changes to make me happy. He is controlling, unthoughtful and can be verbally abusive and I was tired of feeling like crap all the time because of the way he talked down to me. He is aware now of his mistakes and says that he doesn't want to be like this anymore and he would do whatever it takes to get me back but that is where I feel like I am emotionally cut off from him not doing anything about it when I was so unhappy and now having these feelings for my best friend. Where you separated from your husband when you met the other guy? How did you realize that your husband had grown up? and how did it feel to break it off with the other guy? Were you ever out of love with your husband? Sorry about all of the questions, I am very interested in your situation because I really feel like it is similiar and I want to make sure that I make the right one. I have had a few friends say that I should take back my husband because he might surprise me with the changes he has made and then I could possibly fall back in love with him but I think I will be heartbroken without my best friend and knowing that I am losing him for good will be hard also. Thanks for your reply, I will be looking forward to hearing from you again.

[blueeyeblondesweetheart]

Hi.My husband did change but he was 22.If your husband hasn't changed after 15 years,It's likely that he may not be willing too.But there is always a chance I guess.I had it in my head to leave my husband but I was looking for work and since I had a toddler I couldn't just leave.In my heart my marriage was over but I was still living with him.My husband knew in his heart something was going on because all of the sudden I tuffened up.I made it clear to him that I was leaving him.He had been beating and raping me for almost 4 years and I just grew up myself and realized I deserved better.It was after I made that decision that I met the other man.I didn't make the decision to leave my husband based on the other man.But about 2 weeks or so into my and the other guys relationship my husband noticed things and just really broke down.He started crying and let it all spill out.That he loved me but because of the way he was raised but he didn't know how to treat me like he loved me and that he was sorry for ever taking me for granted and for the abuse.My husband had a bad habit of choking me for no reason.I for a long time had trouble swallowing.He tried to abuse my son,also,but when I would interven that is when he would beat on me.So as the weeks went by while I was with the other guy I noticed big changes in my husband.Finally,about 6 or 7 weeks with my husband treating me like a princess I knew I had a big choice to make.It missed the other guy and it was kinda hard because I did fall in love with him,but at the same time I was just finding out he was bad on drugs also and that he got another girl pregnant while he was supposed to be dating me.This guy had been telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me when I was divorced from my husband but after I left him he told our friends that I was just a fu**.Your other guy is different than my other guy was though.I was leaving one bad relationship and stepping into another.I want to stress to everybody that my husband hasn't hit me in years.He is so wonderful.He is my best friend.I hope you can find peace and I wish you the best.It sounds like your other guy is your dream guy.If you do leave your husband be careful,ok?I think you know what I mean.God Bless.

[indecisive]

Thanks for the reply Blueeyed. I am glad to hear that things worked out for you. It surprises me that it worked out the way that it did for you. My friend is my dream guy because he makes me feel the way I have always wanted to feel. He is 3 years older than me and really knows what he wants and how to treat a women. He also seems like he would do whatever it takes to make me happy and is to take advice on what makes me happy too. My husband on the other hand swears he will do whatever it takes to have me back but it is so hard to believe. I think that if my friend wasn't so wonderful I would probably not have this hard of a time taking him back and because I fell out of love with him I would have alot of work to do to gain that back. I really feel like I am going to listen to Kaylar on this and move on because basically I already have, I am just stringing it along wasting time. I just really wish I didn't have to do this because it is going to hurt so much but I know I will have happiness with my friend. Take care.