[kaylar]

[saen oly
nepptuom ened
eaon thoger

hycratte omn
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[kaylar]

Women need a reason, and the reason
is the Husband.

If he is unfaithful, she may take it
as a *** for tat.

If he is ignoring and neglecting her,
abusing her, or making her feel
less...

And...
And there is a man available...
a man with whom she has had
a friendship ...
not a friendship that she creates
to gain a partner, but a man who
has been a shoulder to cry on..
a man whom she has known for
a period of time...
or a man who comes into her
life at such a time and in such
a way that the attraction she
feels for him, would, if the
marriage was going well, cause
her to distance herself.

For a woman to commit adultery
is not simply a matter of opportunity.

[indecisive]

So true! I know that you know this is my case. I would have never thought that I would have feelings for someone else while being married. I have not cheated but some would call it an emotional affair since I am so close to my best friend that I ended up falling in love with him because he liked to spend time with me and do the things that I like and really listens and pays attention. All of the things that most husbands do not give to their wives.

[kaylar]

Battleground


Some marriages become battlegrounds.
Everything is 'charged' everything has
a 'point' value.

Sometimes the wife, having pandered
to the husband for a time, developes
this resentment which is unspoken.

If it was spoken, if it was fully aired,
then perhaps the situation would be
different, but in most cases, the anger
and resentment grows like a cancer.

It might have been a 'little' thing, but
untreated, that is, never addressed in
an honest and direct way, it becomes
a major boulder in the marriage path.

For example;

Howie had the habit of inviting people
for dinner with no more than a last
minute phone call.

Wanda hated this, but of course, had
to be cordial in front of the guests.

Usually, after the guests had left
she was in a fairly good mood, so
didn't say more than; "Please don't
bring people home at the last minute."

And Howie interpreted this as a 'fishing
for compliments,' and would tell her
how well she did.

Wanda would complain to all her
friends about it, but never took
the opportunity to say;

"Howie, don't do it."
or to threaten;
"The next time you do it,
I won't be here."

The situation went on for about
two years, until one day, Howie
came home with his friends, and
there was no dinner, and no Wanda.

Wanda had, as she received the
call, taken the house money, and
gone out to a restaurant.

She ran into an old Flame, and
because she had so much unexpressed
anger and resentment for Howie,
winds up in bed with him.

Yes, blame the wine, the music,
the fact Flame looked good.
But if she had not been so angry
at Howie...
an anger not born from this dinner
party, but from all the past dinner
parties...
all that resentment which she had
never adequately expressed...
even if she had gone to dinner,
she'd not have ended up in
Flame's bed.

[kaylar]

Other Foot


There was a Professor at a University
who kept to a particular pattern.

He would select the undergrad he
wished to be involved with in
September.

The affair would begin and often
reach crescendo during the Xmas
break, when the Wife would go
to visit her family with the children.

He would send the Gardener on
vacation, and for the next three
weeks, enjoy his affair, which he
would terminate shortly before
his wife's return.

He was very much the married man
in January, but by February was again
on the prowl, and during Easter Break,
when wife again would be sent to visit
her relatives, the affair would be rage
until just before the Wife's return.

During the summer, where wife again
went to spend the holidays with
her family, he would enjoy another
affair.

This went on for twenty years.

When the wife's mother died, she
did not wish husband to attend
the funeral.

It became an argument.

He decided to tell her, okay, I
won't go, but then travel the
distance.

He was seen moving towards
the Church by one of the Wife's
relatives, and marched away.

For the past twenty years,
wife and gardener had been
having a relationship to the
extent that her family thought
he was the husband.

Wife would go to the family
home, spend a day or so,
leave the kids, then go to
be with Gardener elsewhere,
popping in now and then so
that the children would not
feel neglected, and saying
that she was staying at another
relative's house.

Some of the relatives knew that
Gardener was not husband, but
most did not.

Wife's mother and Gardener got
along very well, and so, he had
to be there...

Professor was devastated.
Never had he imagined his
wife was unfaithful.

In all the years he had been enjoying
the undergraduates, he had never for
one second assumed that his wife
was not home alone, poor thing.

[kaylar]

Analysis


In the case of Professor, it is pretty
evident that he had used his position
at the University to have affairs.

There was nothing special about any
of the girls, they were simply available
to him, and he made no emotional
connection.

His wife, however, had formed a deep
bond with the Gardener.

Of course she would never marry a
Gardener, and their paths should never
have become entwined.

But the husband's constant absences,
the knowledge that he was unfaithful
and the presence of the Gardener were
the factors.

If Prof. had not been unfaithful then the
idea to become involved with a Gardener
would not be in Wife's top 1000 things
to do.

But Prof's infidelity had hurt her, and
angered her, and the Gardener was
rather attractive.

[kaylar]

Another Example


Hank and Win are another interesting
case.

The marriage was up and down, Win's
inexperience not allowing her to realise
she was an abused wife until Hank beat
her up.

After that, Win learned how to avoid being
hit, and developed a plan to leave Hank.

With his knowledge and as a 'joke', Win
applied to a University far away. She acted
as if she didn't want to go when she was
accepted, betting that as he always did the
opposite of what she desired, her 'reluctance'
would provoke him to push her.

She was correct.

While at University she met a number
of people, one of them was Otis, who
treated her like a queen.

She had no intention of being unfaithful.
Otis was just another person.

However, Hank's long distance behaviour
designed to hurt her, reaped an unexpected
result.

After a particular traumatic phone call from
Hank, in 'defiance' Win took Otis to bed.

Win's behaviour had become reactions to
Hank's actions. As he was a very controlling
abusive man, who had whittled away her
sense of self, she had reached the stage where
she didn't act, she reacted.

Otis qua Otis was not really her type, he had
just been there, and had just treated her the
way she would like.

Her adultery with Otis broke the 'control'
Hank had over her, and though the marriage
ended badly, it ended.

Years later, Win would reflect that had Hank
sent her nice letters, or made a pleasant call,
she probably would still be married to him.

Win's Adultery with Otis was her way to
hurt Hank.

Using Adultery as a weapon is not uncommon.

[kaylar]

The Differences


When it comes to Adultery,
a Man has to admit, reveal and
reject.
A woman remains silent.

A woman can accept her husband's
infidelity and move on IF:

1) he is completely and brutally
honest.

By this, he gives the gory details.

2) he admits he was wrong.

He explains how and why and when
and where and renounces it.

3) he ceases to see the Other Woman.

Ceases to see, to call, to write, in fact
he ignores or developes an animosity to
the Other Woman.

In this way the wife is 'in the picture'.
She can feel close to her husband as
if a 'buddy' to whom he recounts his
'war stories', she can follow his line
of reasoning, as to how and where and
when, so as to prevent another episode,
and by his full rejection of the other
woman.

Women, however, must carry their
secret to the grave is they want
to continue their marriage.

Men can not accept adultery.

It doesn't even have to be physical
adultery.

[kaylar]

A Thousand Miles Away


Hal was very busy, he had a stay at
home wife; Willa, because he did not
want her to work.

One day he checks her computer, and
finds that she's been having an on line
'affair' with someone a thousand miles
away.

It isn't sex talk.
It is deep revelations about feelings,
ideas, attitudes...things Willa has
never shared with him.

As not unexpected from a controlling
person like Hal, he physically abuses
Willa. She reveals she chats with
Cyberlover because she can't talk
to Hal.

Having captured all the conversations,
he spends his days reading them over,
realising his wife has a far deeper bond
with this man she has never met than
she has with him.

He decides it is time for divorce.
Willa is quite happy about it.
This shocks him.
But then, he doesn't know Willa.

Willa and her Cyberlover have never
met. Never been in spitting distance...
but the bond she has created with him
was very much emotional adultery.

[kaylar]

Body vs Mind


Outside of 'revenge' affairs; (Hank & Winnie)
most women need to have a strong emotional
connection to their lovers.

This man must mean something to the wife,
mean so much that she is willing to jeopardise
her marriage.

For men it is entirely different.
He might not know the Potentials full or
real name, might not care how she dresses
just as long as she pleases him.

For some men, it's strictly bedroom,
for others, armcandy, but for most men,
his lover is someone he dominates and
controls.

Occasionally he might divorce the wife
to be with her, but then will divorce
her to be with another lover.

Some men are fixated on younger women.
They tend to dispose of wives who reach
forty, replacing them with those in their
twenties, and going on as long as he has
the cash to purchase young women.

But the key feature is 'women' not a
woman, not someone special; a generic
category.

Hence, for a man to reveal the details
of what he did with Whatshername on
the 15th of April, is not much of a soul
scraping.

For him to promise never to see her again
is often no biggie as he is usually content
to be caught and get rid of his tiresome
lover.

To never contact her again...well...they
never had much to discuss anyway.

For a woman, however...it is different.