[kaylar]

Sometimes the Truth does 'set you free...'


Women can accept their husband being unfaithful.
Men almost never can.

The mere idea that his wife was raped...
we are not even talking consenusal sex...
just that another man's penis had penetrated
his Saida, destroyed Dev's marriage.

He could not deal with the image of another
man and his wife. Even though it was clear
rape.

If a man like Dev could not overcome his
wife's rape, what about a consensual
sexual act?

Most men have a proprietary interest in
their wives. It is not so much Mary, or
Winsome, or Liz, it is "MY" Wife.

The idea that "MY" Wife could be unfaithful
makes many husband's heads virtually
explode and forgiveness is a rare quality.

Even when the adultery is virtually causes
by the neglectful/workaholic/abusive/distant
husband, (so it is actually an ego boost)
forgiveness is one of those difficult actions
for a man to make.

It is not impossible, of course, but in many
cases, keeping the affair to herself is the
way many women get on with their lives.

Many times the wife's adultery comes because
of some 'drama' in the marriage. Admission only
ratchets the drama to melodrama.

Often the adultery is a reaction to the husband's
actions. Dealing with the husband's actions is
the key feature. If He hadn't....(fill in blank)
then she would not have committed adultery.

Dealing with the adultery without fully exploring
what He did to provoke it, is like putting a
table cloth over an uncleared table.

First you clear the table, you wipe it down,
then you put on the cloth.

Hence, working out the maritial problems
without the admission of adultery often
allows the problems to be dealt with.

I can think of men who went to their graves
who never knew of their wife's affair ten,
twenty years before.

That is because the adultery was a reaction,
and once the marriage was 'fixed' to admit
would have destroyed it.

Yes, it is a true double standard, but has
a very strong foundation.

As in the first post;
"Men need an opportunity, Women need a Reason"

it is the Reason which is the impetus...not
the availability of a man.

The Adultery is not that a sexy guy passed
and smiled. The Adultery happened because
Husband...(fill in blanks).

If the husband is unaware of the Adultery..
(and I am speaking emotional as well as
physical) then it should not be mentioned,
for it doesn't solve the problem, it compounds
the problem.

So the conversation moves from 'you're never
home', which is the issue, into 'how could you
betray me?' which is the reaction to
the issue.

You are familiar with the boss who causes
a situation then blames the employees for
how they handled it.

How they handled the situation he
caused will not solve the problem.

The Boss will, of course, focus on what
the employees did, to obliterate his
failings.

Hence, the Husband may focus on the
wife's adultery to obliterate his failings.

Dealing with the root cause is how one
cures a disease.

Yes, put the bandage on the boo boo
but deal with the infection first.

[inshock]

Fascinating. This is right on point for a current personal struggle: After my boyfriend cheated I slept with my best friend. I wonder though, does the cycle stop? It took me months to act, why? And I thought I was over what my boyfriend did by the time I acted... So many questions....

[inshock]

What if the revenge affair has an emotional basis? The emotions never would have developed but for the need of revenge, but now they are there, what if you love your best friend and your boyfriend? Which will endure?

[inshock]

What do you do with guilt and shame over the fear of adversely affecting the sweet and innocent girlfriend of the revenge affair? How do you take something like this to the grave and learn to quiet your head?

[kaylar]

Puzzle Pieces


One never gets over betrayal.
It is like a scar.

The term 'carte blanche', blank cheque
is not casually used. When a man commits
adultery, the betrayed woman does feel a
release of the imperatives which maintained
her chastity.

Why be faithful? If Husband could, with
the slightest provocation, forget about Wife
and slam Crapcake; why should wife, who
is enjoying coffee with this fabulous guy
say 'no?'

The point is, keeping it to yourself is key.
Act as if nothing ever happened.

As years pass and memories fade, revenge
adultery is often forgotten, because it really
did not make that much of an impact on one's
life.

[kaylar]

Other People


Every action that effects other people has to be
scientifically examined.

Clearly you always had feelings for your best
friend, and these shouldn't change. The fact
there is an innocent girlfriend who will be
devastated by her boyfriend's unfaithfulness
has to be considered part of the circle, as
she would be where you were when you
found out.

As no one is married here, and the possibility
of these relationships falling apart is live, there
Mis no reason to treat them as permanent.

But the most important thing...
if people will only be hurt by your admissions,
why say anything?

Why hurt her? Why expose her boyfriend
when what happened might have been more
your provocation than anything else.

This is your best friend. You come to lean
on him. He is there for you. Somehow the
relationship was turned from friend to lover...
you caused it. You certainly can't blame
him.

Usually, revenge adultery is with strangers.
A male you don't care about, so as not
to complicate a situation.

In the case of inshock, let time pass...see
what the dynamics are. Your boyfriend
might go off again...your best friend's girlfriend
might leave for some totally unrelated reason.

This is life, not a soap opera.
Certain secrets go to the grave.
This is one of them.

[inshock]

Thanks kaylar. Things are delicate with my friend but ok. We talked about it and the various implications and I think we are on track to revert to our old friendship.

The hardest part of this struggle has become the mental aspect. At times I am literally overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. I am finding it extraordinarily difficult to focus on my school work. I don't know what to do about it.

I read something in one of your post about learning to control the Id. What would you suggest in this case? I do not want to alienate my friend. I am satisfied that we will never tell a soul. So all that remains is letting go of my guilt and making sure it never happens again. I want my piece of mind back but I do not want to forget the importance of this lesson.

I guess my general question is: what thoughts should I reinforce to move past all this and keep my Id in check?

[kaylar]

Id Control


While in Law School, the need to distance certain
emotional issues was vital. I could not be sitting
in the library thinking about personal problems.

There were two trees way on a hill which jutted
up discordantly.

I taught myself that every time certain thoughts
came into my mind I would look at the trees.

I would look at the trees and tell myself that I
would deal with the problem later, and then turn
back to my book.

At first it was almost a whiplash, because I had
to keep turning to the trees, keep telling myself
to deal with the problem later.

After a time I turned less frequently, and eventually,
not at all.

I had made that kind of mental suggestion which
took over my Id.

When you don't have a life and death choice to
make this second, postpone it to after coffee...
to bedtime, to Saturday, in the wonderful words
of Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about that tomorrow".

Tomorrow tends to take care of itself.
Issues tend to resolve without the slightest input.

People move, change, you move, you change,
things change, ideas change, change is part of
life.

Simply find something in your environment that
can act as my two trees, and tell yourself to
think about it after the semester/thesis/doctorate
is completed.

At first it sounds like a 'cop out', but it is not.
Doing your work right now is priority. Relationships
between people is secondary. Once you have
completed your work, then relationships can be
analysed.

Now, your analysis should be on your work.

[inshock]

Thank you.

[kaylar]

Many times in life, things are coming at you
from all angles. And if you can not compartmentalise
delay, redirect, you join the ranks of the totally
stressed out.

One of the hardest, though apparently easy things
to do, is nothing.

Doing nothing now is often the best response.

Firstly, it gives you time to think.
Secondly, you do not react but act
Thirdly, you can compose yourself and your reaction
to be the wisest.

Decide nothing you do not have to decide now.

This is not simple sloth.

You might not have all the possible integers,
you might not comprehend the interplays,
and delaying a response, even thinking about
a response until some future moment when
you can step back from the event and examine
it as you would a screen shot, usually leads
the the best decision.