[kira]

I fail to see the problem if they just want to watch? Sometimes I just watch porn. As I mentioned my husband doesn't even masturbate when he watches porn. He can't tell me why he watches it. I don't really care. If that's what he wants to do fine so long as he isn't ignoring me to do it. It's no worse than spending time playing WOW. He likes doing those things and he knows when to stop and do things with me so long as I'm not saying "die right now and watch a movie with me". So unless someone is saying their partner is ignoring them for porn or there are other problems in the relationship I do not see the harm with porn. It's a habit. It's entertainment. Pretty harmless entertainment compared to many things. If everything else is fine and no one has any other complaints I'd look to the person against porn as the problem instead.

[stressed]

Well, both WOW and porn can equally affect a relationship if the person finds nearly 'too much' entertainment in either. It's great that porn doesn't affect your relationship and that's why I'm happy for you. That's just not the case with many couples. When one puts habit above respect this can turn into neglect. Porn, or anything else, by itself is not a threat, but it is the way one uses it that can make it turn into a threat. There are various reasons as to why so many women are bothered by porn. Your key phrase was "as long as he isn't ignoring me to do it" and it is what usually happens to the women who complain about it; they feel ignored or second best when it comes to their men's pleasure. This is not directly their men's fault either, but more of another serious problem in the relationship. And for as long as these men won't sit down with their women to discuss what this problem is, these women will keep blaming porn.

[WildChild]

The problem is the effect it has on the relationship. If the woman isn't affected or bothered by it and the couple has a sexual realtionship that is satisfactory to both then it's fine.

There are relationships in which the woman is not orgasmic, doesn't want sex and takes the attitude that porn at least keeps him off her or perhaps a more a don't ask thing. In that case the porn is probably what lets them stay together. But there are other cases where the woman isn't interested in sex but for some unreasonable reason expects him to just suffer and she has a big problem with porn. They probably need to go their separate ways.

There are couples who have balance with it, they have a reasonable sex life and if one or both of them watches porn it isn't an issue. There are some couple that have a satisfactory sex life but the woman for whatever reasons finds the man's use of porn very objectionable. It will eat at her self esteme, love and trust. Then you have to ask who has a problem really? This could go in many directions; she could be very insecure, he could be rather uncaring, regardless they need to look at the value they give their relationship and what they are willing to tollerate or change to keep it. If their sex life is reasonably good it's hard to understand why a man would continue to do something that he knows hurts the woman he loves and has committed to and which may be causing her to doubt herself and the relationship. That will at some point destroy their sex life.

Then we get to the other end of the spectrum, I've dealt with this recently, when a man uses porn or masterbation as a means of avoiding intimacy. He has a woman in his life who loves him, has a good sex drive, wants him and he rejects her repeatedly in favor of porn and/or materbation. This is devistating to the relationship and if, as seems to often be the case, he digs his heels in emotionally and flat out refuses to even talk about it, there is little a woman can do. She can walk or she can suffer. Really in the end they both suffer.

This is a new problem in relationships and society really. It's only since the internet has become so entrenched in our lives that porn has become so widely and readily available. I don't know where it will end up but undoubtedly it is destroying relationships.

[pretzel]

WC is putting into pretty good perspective.

In my own personal situation my own views are starting to come into question. I've never been against it per se as long as it's used in a postive manner. Sometimes it can be a tool used to enhance a couple's sex life.

I hate to say it, but porn is becoming a release valve for me right now. It's not that i don't want to have an intimate loving sexual relationship with my wife but she's in a transitional period where her sex drive is in polar opposite to mine. There's nothing more frustrating than wanting to make love to someone and constantly being rebuffed. So I can make a choice in doing what I have to do to releive some of that frustration by myself or get frustrated with her and do things that I wouldn't normally do. If I can take a few minutes and use porn as a means of fantasizing about making love to my wife then at least in my mind, it's using it for a positive.

This is however only temporary. As WC also points out, this isn't a substitute for intimacy. I know in my heart that until she's ready for intimacy again, this is what it is. I can accept that. But I can't accept a permancy about it.

[stressed]

I'm afraid that people in our time have no values anymore. They don't appreciate what they have and want even more every day. We want companionship and love, but it's not enough, we also want sex. We get the sex but we also want visual stimulation. Nothing is ever good enough and if we reach a dead end we rather try it all over again with someone new than try to compromise and work things out. It's very sad but this is one of the effects of an 'open minded' world, where everything is normal, where there are no values, where marriage is just a typical goal in life, where family members are as good as acquaintances, where children are a goal just because one should have them at some stage and where nobody takes any responsibility for his/her actions. We are going downhill yet again.

[manspoint]

What is the hang up about him watching porn?
What is the real issue here?
1. How is your sex life? Are you getting enough of what YOU want?
2. Is he finding new and exciting ways to please you or is he trying new and disgusting things?
3. Are you giving him what HE wants? Love making is about 2 (usually) people pleasuring each other. It could be all one way at one time but that MUST be reciprocated so that both feel satisfied in the long term (not just each occasion).
4. Are you open enough to his desires? Are you sexually compatible?
5. Your own self esteem is worrying.
Have you tried watching porn or are you simply "gross"ed out due to stereotypical ideas? There are some good "couples" porn movies (pirates 1 & 2 for ex) you could get him to watch with you.
Open your mind and explore his fantasies and add your own and BAM, watch the fireworks.

[stressed]

What is the hang up about him watching porn?
What is the real issue here?
1. How is your sex life? Are you getting enough of what YOU want?
2. Is he finding new and exciting ways to please you or is he trying new and disgusting things?
3. Are you giving him what HE wants? Love making is about 2 (usually) people pleasuring each other. It could be all one way at one time but that MUST be reciprocated so that both feel satisfied in the long term (not just each occasion).
4. Are you open enough to his desires? Are you sexually compatible?
5. Your own self esteem is worrying.
Have you tried watching porn or are you simply "gross"ed out due to stereotypical ideas? There are some good "couples" porn movies (pirates 1 & 2 for ex) you could get him to watch with you.
Open your mind and explore his fantasies and add your own and BAM, watch the fireworks.

Maybe you can help me out here by giving a man's point of view, and maybe you can say if I'm right to be against it at the moment or not:

1) Sex life is bad for me, I hardly ever get what I want, he's not particularly interested in satisfying me, I always have to do all the work and sex feels more of a struggle to make him release and feel happy about himself instead of me enjoying it equally.

2) He's not trying at all. Up to the point where I wonder if he finds women disgusting (he doesn't, but that's how I can feel about it at times - I don't remember the last time he used his hand on me, must have been over a year ago).

3) I always do whatever he asks, when I ask he's either too tired or promises to do it the next day or the following weekend. If I'm lucky I get a predictable one-sided 20-min sex session, which whether it happened or not is one and the same for me.

4) Of course, I've offered to do anything he wants and I have. As for sexually compatible, no, I seem to be the only one wanting sex here.

5) I feel pretty much confident as a woman. I get looks, whistles (even if I have a small build and don't wear make up), I've had a colleague hitting on me recently (which I took to the cops as he took it too far) and I'm very happy with my looks. Never had complaints before as a partner in that domain.

I watched porn as single and I enjoyed it. I didn't have a problem at all with him watching as well while our relationship was long distance, because that's all we had. I just stopped with porn it because I thought my man would be enough for me, as this is how it's always been for me. I still don't watch, though, even if he's not. I do masturbate occasionally without porn because otherwise I will explode. I wouldn't if I felt satisfied.

He denies to watch porn with me, claims he wants to watch by himself. If we check a porn movie on tv is only to joke about it and make fun of the direction or say how silly the actors are. Every once in a while he asks me when am I going to be ok with him watching porn again and to that I always say that we're not there yet for this and that reason.

So, now, tell me, am I wrong to have a problem against my fiance watching porn? If you tell me I am wrong then I will keep it in mind and take it into consideration. Honestly.

[rcoreyus]

I don't think porn is the biggest problem. It sounds like he is not making effort to do things for you in bed - and it is a serious problem when someone denies their partners needs / wishes that way.

If you talk with him, I'd ignore the porn and focus on why he doesn't want to be a good lover. This is important for most men .

[Hopeless Dork]

I am NO longer going to make porn out to be the bad guy it really isn't. I am not longer going to make masturbation out to be the bad guy it really isn't.

The focus has got to be on whether or not he's making me feel wanted and desired on a consistant basis. I am going to try to be open about the porn and hope that he understands that I need him more than it does, and uses his energy accordlingly. I just want to excite him and please him and make happy more than anything else does. And either I do or I don't. Whether or not he sometimes may want to look at porn.

[manspoint]

Maybe you can help me out here by giving a man's point of view, and maybe you can say if I'm right to be against it at the moment or not:

1) Sex life is bad for me, I hardly ever get what I want, he's not particularly interested in satisfying me, I always have to do all the work and sex feels more of a struggle to make him release and feel happy about himself instead of me enjoying it equally.

2) He's not trying at all. Up to the point where I wonder if he finds women disgusting (he doesn't, but that's how I can feel about it at times - I don't remember the last time he used his hand on me, must have been over a year ago).

3) I always do whatever he asks, when I ask he's either too tired or promises to do it the next day or the following weekend. If I'm lucky I get a predictable one-sided 20-min sex session, which whether it happened or not is one and the same for me.

4) Of course, I've offered to do anything he wants and I have. As for sexually compatible, no, I seem to be the only one wanting sex here.

5) I feel pretty much confident as a woman. I get looks, whistles (even if I have a small build and don't wear make up), I've had a colleague hitting on me recently (which I took to the cops as he took it too far) and I'm very happy with my looks. Never had complaints before as a partner in that domain.

I watched porn as single and I enjoyed it. I didn't have a problem at all with him watching as well while our relationship was long distance, because that's all we had. I just stopped with porn it because I thought my man would be enough for me, as this is how it's always been for me. I still don't watch, though, even if he's not. I do masturbate occasionally without porn because otherwise I will explode. I wouldn't if I felt satisfied.

He denies to watch porn with me, claims he wants to watch by himself. If we check a porn movie on tv is only to joke about it and make fun of the direction or say how silly the actors are. Every once in a while he asks me when am I going to be ok with him watching porn again and to that I always say that we're not there yet for this and that reason.

So, now, tell me, am I wrong to have a problem against my fiance watching porn? If you tell me I am wrong then I will keep it in mind and take it into consideration. Honestly.

I had a reversed situation in my previous 17 year marriage. My wife became totally un-interested in sex. I tried to discuss it and her first response was "it is just not important to me". I used porn as an outlet (and discovered some fantastic things about myself that I later used in new relationships.)
This went on for over 2 years. I suggested counseling numerous times to which she finally responded "you have the problem, you go to counseling". She could not see that WE had a relationship problem. That was when I left her.

Honest observation from a guy who has seen similar behavior. HE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU!
The porn is a distraction. It is not the cause of your problems (yes, you both have relationship problems) it is his only outlet, when clearly YOU should be his primary outlet but he is not interested in that.
You are still happy with yourself which is fantastic. Given the effort you have put into this relationship and the heartbreak I know you are going through because of the constant rejection, you need to seriously ask yourself if you are prepared to forsake his sexual attention and continue life as is or move on.