[CHEZZA]

My husband of 7 years moved out 6 weeks ago.

We have been together 10 years and have had as perfect a relationship as possible.

Yes we have had problems thrown at us and we've always stood strong, problems ranging from his kids, loss of his job, money issues but there has been nothing we havent got through.

He was promoted to a Directors role at the beginning of 2009 and everything was great for the first few months then the job started to swallow him up but to my knowledge we were coping albeit I was holding down a full time job and taking care of everything at home with no help what so ever.

In October we came back from holiday. It was an "ok" holiday which was strange as we go away 3-4 times per year and love our holidays, its our quality time together and we always have the best of the best when we go so to come back knowing something wasnt right was out of the norm for us.

I asked what was wrong as he wasnt his normal self and looking back hadnt been for a short time before this. He said he wasnt happy, thought we were too regimented with our life, there was no spontaneity anymore everything was planned, that I didnt have as much fun as I used to and thought we had maybe lost our spark.

I straight away addressed what I could, no more planning I was a lot more relaxed about everything and suddenly felt calm! problem was, with him controlling things more we actually weren't doing anything different at the weekends but I found him getting more and more distant and emotionally withdrawn from me?

I have always done everything for this man, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, handling finances, booked holidays you name it Ive done it and its been good enough for 10 years but apparently now its smothering him! Anyway, he moved out December 1st to "sort his head out" as he doesnt want us to split for good. he thought we could go back to dating and he could get a little independance at the same time.

As you can imagine I was (and still am) devastated but let him go all the same.

To date he hasnt really kept to his side of the bargain. We have until last weekend been texting, emailing and talking regularly on the phone but I only see him if he pops round for his post or comes into our local pub, we have had one date only that was called short due to severe snow! I am now not initiating any contact to see if that gets him wondering as this is a cruel unfair way to treat me.

He says he doesnt feel he can come back at the moment but how long does he expect me to wait? I truly believe this has nothing to do with us and that he is having a midlife crisis, the signs are there, he promised me he hasnt got anyone else.

Can someone please advise me on how best to handle him, what can I do to make him stop and think what he doing and what he might potentially be loosing? We have a fab life, want for nothing and are very comfortable so I dont understand any of this?

[Ahryin]

I'm sorry to say that the only person that can make him stop and this is him. Right now he is enjoying the refreshing feeling of doing for himself for the first time in years! Its NOT about you, its about him. He needs time to sort things out within himself, and if he is not happy with himself how can you make him happy? Or how can he make you happy? I know its hard! I KNOOOOWWWW its hard! However the best thing you can do at this moment is live for you. He says you have become routine well do something thats not routine, get a hobby..work out..go on a trip by yourself (thats how Stella got her grove back :P ) change your hair...but stop worrying about him and take this time to worry about you. What is meant to be will be and once again I know its hard. You have to strengthen the love you have for yourself in order to get through this. Do you two have children?

[CHEZZA]

Hiya, thanx for that. Im glad you dont think this is about me. Ive spent the last 3 months blaming myself and looking down every avenue to see why this is happening. He isnt happy though on his own, or so he makes out. He makes a point of saying he's learnt to do the washing etc but then his eyes well up when he talks about not getting any sleep and how he gets bored being alone in the apartment? Its as though he wants me to feel sorry for him but he's done this to us and can quite easily fix it. I just dont understand at all but know that I feel like my life has been rugged from underneath me. Am I doing the right thing not initiating any contact and therefore leaving him to his "space"? Surely he should be coming to me shouldnt he as he's the one that left? Its hard to know how to handle him but I understand I have to try and take care of myself as hard as it is????

[CHEZZA]

oops forgot to say. He has 2 kids from his previous but we dont have any together.

[KMonte85]

From your last post, your husband seems quite conflicted. He wanted to move out, he says he's not happy, but then is on the brink of tears telling you how unhappy he is while he's out on his own too?

Have you suggested counciling to your husband? I think maybe you both could benefit from speaking with a councelor about your situation and trying to work through the cause of both your feelings...

[Guest]

I am going to give you the exact same advice I gave to someone in another thread:

you said in a previous post that you were going to wait for him to contact you, i'm not so sure thats a good idea either.

whatever triggered this episode for him has obviously got him to think about whether or not your relationship and feelings for each other is real. it may be something completely innocuous.

he may be waiting to see if you will "make the big gesture" and contact him or just not bother.

it's a fine set of lines between letting someone know you are there for them, seeming uninterested, or being pushy.

some men seem to be more emotionally fragile than women in some regards, especially when it comes to baggage from previous relationships.

here's a suggestion, but YMMV:

call him, tell him you love him and tell him you are there for him. then ask him what you can do ease his mind about things.

[LanaBear]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Like the others have said, he sounds conflicted and not sure what he is looking for... Mid life crisis?

I'm wavering between waiting for him to contact you, so that you don't appear pushy, but I also don't think that's a good idea, as the others have stated.

As KM said... Maybe suggest some marriage counseling. If it's to the point where he has moved out and you are just sitting on the wall waiting to fall over to getting back together or divorce, counseling would probably benefit the both of you.

[Hopeless Dork]

Sounds pretty mid-life crisis to me. Problem with those things is he will come to his senses sooner or later and realizes he had what he wants all along... the question will be then will you still want him by the time he finally decides that.

His method of handeling it, is a selfish one. He is basically putting you on ice while he decides what he wants to do with his life. You are to remain his faithful wife sitting at home waiting for his return should it happen. He is to go out and experience life on his own to see if thats what he wants more.

I agree with ahyrin. Take this time to find out what YOU want for yourself too. Maybe you are the one that will realize you can do better by yourself, maybe you will both realize together is where you should be... but don't sit in a window waiting for his car to pull into the driveway, picking yourself apart over what you must have done to cause him to go away.

Instead: take a class, join a gym, read some books you always wanted to read, go visit family you havent seen in a while. Take a vacation with a girlfriend or 2. Take this time to focus on YOU and YOUR needs, making YOURSELF happy and feel good.

I know you must be hurting. But what can you do really? You can sit and cry and fall apart. You can beg him to come home. None of that will change your situation. And don't make yourself 100% at his beck and call with availability. Don't cancel plans you make to suit his last minute needs of you, theres no need for him to come home if he's got 1-800 dial a wife, there when he needs her, gone when he doesn't.

[sourpuss]

Men need to feel like they are needed, productive and have a purpose. If you've been mothering him all this time, it could very well be smothering him. I'd give him some time but let him know that you do love him and want to make it work.

[CHEZZA]

Thanx guys for all your advise. Im really trying to keep myself busy so I dont just sit here and wait for him to come home but its so so hard. He knows exactly how I feel about him, that I love him, miss him and just want us to work things out but there are only so many times you can say it especially when all you get back is tears and "Im not ready to come back". I cant tell you how many times Ive been knocked down by him, brushed myself off and come back fighting but Im not sure how much longer I can keep doing that before I run out of steam and fight. This is the worst time of my life but somehow Ive got to get through xxxx