[ocularone]

Joey i was about to say the same thing. Especially to hear some peoples perspectives on when a commitment actually starts and that the idea of anything allowed before the "i do's" is pretty sickening. I think i am going to need to not re-visit this thread because it is so frustrating. Although at least i can say that this thread helps me remember how lucky i am to have a woman who would never ever do anything like this to me.

[LanaBear]

This is why I absolutely do not believe in these types of bachelor(ette) parties.

Me too. Personally, hubby and I felt we had a bit more respect for each other than to do something like this and have us question what may or may not have went on.

So, a bunch of my girlfriends planned a really nice dinner for me at a great Italian restaurant. It was fun and relaxing, something that was me, I'm not into clubbing, partying, drinking until I can't stand anyways.

As for hubby, him and about 10-15 of his closest friends went backpacking up into the mountains for a couple of days.

[Joey]

I also find it sad at some couples perpspectives of when commitment actually starts. Why do something as hurtful as cheat on your SO on your stag/hen party - when it wouldnt obviusly have been tolerated/accepted in the relationship before then?

Its just such a shame that a party can ruin something special.

[sunshiney]

I'm a little shocked that some people consider themselves free to do whatever they want up until marriage. Personally, (even though I'm not married, just a long-term SO) I am always free to do what I want, but I love my SO and respect him and would never want to do anything to hurt him. On a different note, I know for me alcohol brings out the truth, it makes my thinking more clear, so I know if I were to give oral to a guy at my bachelorette party I would know EXACTLY what and why I was doing and consider the consequences. Not to sound like a holier than though .

But I think you should tell fiance before the wedding, yes its your mistake, but its both of yours marriage and life. He deserves to know, allow him to make the choice.

[Pinkyshot]

I really do not think these parties are a good idea...you have your good friends usually pressuring you in to doing stuff you know ur SO would not like at all...My SO and I have talked I told him I know things just happen at these parties and if he had one I would always wonder if he did anything even if he didn't...it always be at the back of my mind even though I do trust him..I don't trust and bunch of people going doing stuff like that because no matter how much you love the person stuff like that can happen...for woman and men...we agreed and a get together of friends and family were we can really just relax and enjoy each others union and our friends...it is so much easier and less worrying about what could happen at these parties....and if he had one behind my back I would not marry him..Because that shows he don't really care how I feel and about us...those kind of parties are really just for single people so you can let loose and have fun were you want to..not for someone who is about to get married.

I know this sounds bad but I really don't think she should tell him..she messed up shes gonna have to live with it..if she told him and she really wants to be with him it would stain her marriage if they didn't break up...some people just do stupid stuff when they are drunk not everyone is the same when they are drunk..just because one person can think clearly doesn't mean another person will...it effects everyone different...I rather be drunk when my OS so I don't have to worry about stuff like that.

[Jenny222]

I hear what you are all saying and I cant help but feel like a tramp given everyone's comments. Its as if you all have never done something so diverse. Please do tell me since I know I cant be the only one.....one slip of the tongue is worth all the criticism? I do really regret what I did, but its hard seeing so much contempt and well, to be honest, failure to acknowledge the same sins or experience. My whole point of posting was that I was insecure about the whole thing......and I pursposely havent talked to my girlfriends about it because I know each and everyone of them has some skeleton in their closet, but I have to say, maybe I should have talked to them with perhaps some more sympathy. I'm sorry, I dont mean to begrudge, but I cant help but feel like an outcast..........

[Mes T]

Jenny, that's the unfortunate truth... people usually have no sympathy for "cheaters," regardless of whether they've done something similar themselves or not. It does make you feel like an outcast... not only because you now potentially have this secret to keep from the person you love, but you also have to keep it from your friends, family, and everyone else.

Okay so maybe it's not all quite as dramatic as THAT, but it certainly feels like it sometimes. I cheated on an ex of mine before. It was years ago and I'd like to think that I've changed as a person and learned something... but I can't tell most people about it, because they would automatically judge me.

[Guest]

Jenny222,

I am sorry for how you are feeling. I do not think i was judgmental, and only asked if maybe you were having second thoughts about getting married. i think i said whatever happened happened, and that it didnt make you a bad person.

i still do not think you are a bad person, and you are definitely not a tramp.

please dont feel like an outcast. i know what some people have said here is harsh, but each one of us have made mistakes. I know I have, and will until the end.

I hope you are ok.

[Ashlee T.]

Jenny.... the beauty in these forums is that you will get different opinions from different people, but they are our HONEST opinions on the issue. Of course it would be nice to hear only "you messed up, don't beat yourself up over it...just move on", but you see.......many of us don't feel that way and we'd be lying to you to say so.

You're not an outcast. You've posted only 3 times on this forum, but when you've been here a while and can read some posts other people (even some that have commented on your post) have submitted with their own problems, their own issues.....then you'll understand a bit more why you got certain reactions. There are many WONDERFUL people here, people that can see the wonderful in a person but also aren't afraid to get them a virtual kick in the rear when they need it. Sometimes what we don't want to hear is what we need to hear the most.

You shouldn't seek sympathy. You cheated, regardless of the circumstances, right? You're beating yourself up inside over it, so why be resentful of others feeling the same way about it as you do inside? We live in a world where divorce is RAMPANT and very very ugly. What I'm hearing from alot of these posters is that perhaps you need to focus less on the actual act (the oral sex) and maybe more on "if I'm really committed and ready to marry, why did I even allow myself to cheat, drunk or not" and "am I really ready for a LIFE LONG commitment to this person that cannot involve unfaithfulness?".

Safe to say that MANY here have at some point in their lives cheated. You're not a bad person for it. That one act doesn't define who you are inside. What does define you, is what you choose to do with it at this point. Should this man enter into a lifetime commitment with someone, without the knowledge that this person was unfaithful to him? I consider that very unfair to him because this is his life too. But we live in a very selfish world.......so many in your shoes would choose not to tell him and give him the CHOICE, because they'd be afraid he'd choose leaving. But to me, he has that right.

When you do something that is wrong, no matter how you look at it, and you know it...........do not seek sympathy, seek advice and words of wisdom. That's what we're here for.

[Maximus]

Hello Jenny,

The past is the past and there is nothing you can do to undo.
As long as we are learning immediately then it's all good...
Meaning the motives of the "slippage", the chain of thoughts that lead to it are understood, and there is a personal commitment to live according to your ideals and do what is right for you...

No need to beat yourself up, it serves no purpose...

Virgile