[sun.shine]

Hello everyone!
My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship and have been together for 2 years, engaged for a year. We're planning to get married in April. Our relationship is going very well, we have been pretty successful in resolving any issues that came up between us and both love each other very much.

Recently I surprised him with a few days' visit and, as always we had a wonderful time together. On Monday he had to go to work and while he was gone, he left his laptop on for me to be able to get online. I decided to look at pictures from our last vacation that I knew he had on the computer and while looking for them I came across a strangely named folder and being curious as I am, I looked inside. I suppose you could say I was snooping, though before seeing it I didn't plan on going through his stuff, all I wanted was to see our pictures.

Inside there was a folder with regular porn, which I don't mind so much. Another folder had naked pictures of me that I had sent him before, which was fine. There were another two folders though, named with girl names. One was his ex, and inside there were two very old pictures of her naked. While that didn't make me very happy, I could turn a blind eye on those since they were from before we had even met and I know for sure that he's over her emotionally. The other folder though called with a name of a girl I didn't know had two camera phone pictures of naked boobs - one from when we had only met and weren't serious yet and one from a month ago.

At that point I was on the mission to find out more. I opened his email on the computer (normally I wouldn't do it, but I was rather desperate at the moment) and searched for her name. A couple emails came up and they only had pictures so I figured he must have been talking to her on a messenger or phone (he's not a phone person though so I doubt that) and just sending pictures through email while talking. There were two that he had saved and another two from old times. He had sent a few her pictures of me (normal, dressed) from about the time when we started getting serious and then pictures of jewelry he got me for Christmas, stating that this is the present he got me.

I sort of calmed down and shrugged it off. The rest of my stay was amazing and I never thought of that again. Now that I'm back home though, the thoughts started haunting me.

A little background: since middle of January, he started having a really rough time at work and worked really late every day (I know that for a fact, it wasn't just him lying or something) and due to time difference we often didn't even manage to talk for a few days at a time. Due to certain circumstances at the moment (mostly work-related) he was getting really depressed and I know he was drinking alone at home in the evenings (probably a little too much) - I know he wasn't going out to bars or anything like it. I was getting really worried about his state and this was why I planned my surprise visit.

Anyway, back to my problem - should I just ignore it or should I question him about it? I know that I really miss him at the moment and probably feel a lot more insecure than I should. I don't want it to cause more drama than it's worth, you know? But I'm having a bad day today and it's on my mind.

[rcoreyus]

I'm generally against snooping - its always difficult to interpret what you find. How could you tell the 1-month ago picture was that recent? File creation dates can change if pictures are moved or copied.

If you tell him you were snooping around his computer he will (quite reasonably) be very unhappy - might even (also reasonably) dump you for not trusting him.

You really didn't find anything that bad. One picture of a girl that MIGHT have been recent and that might just be some photo he downloaded from the web (like his other porn).

[sun.shine]

I'm generally against snooping - its always difficult to interpret what you find. How could you tell the 1-month ago picture was that recent? File creation dates can change if pictures are moved or copied.

If you tell him you were snooping around his computer he will (quite reasonably) be very unhappy - might even (also reasonably) dump you for not trusting him.

You really didn't find anything that bad. One picture of a girl that MIGHT have been recent and that might just be some photo he downloaded from the web (like his other porn).

Thanks for your reply. I looked in advanced properties of the picture and there was a Jan 2010 date and I also found it in his email on the same day, sent from that girl (same name as in the folder). So I'm pretty sure she did send it to him.
But I don't want to blow it out of proportion in my own head... and I don't want him to feel I don't trust him either. It still makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but should I just get over this?

[Hopeless Dork]

Depends on what the bigger issue is... is he someone that freaks out about you touching his stuff? If so you digging through files on his computer may be the bigger violation than him emailing a girl (in his mind, anyway-obviously I personally think accepting boob shots of a girl he's talking to online is way more of a deception).

It sounds like you are bothered but not extremely bothered with the way you want to not make a big deal out of it. If it isn't really bothering you than leave it be.

If it is you can tell him the truth and say you went on his computer looking for your vacation pics and came across some photos that you are curious about. Go from there. Give him the opportunity to tell you how he obtained him and the nature of his relationship with the female who sent them.

If he lies and says he doesn't know how they got there, or that they were a porn site (you saw they came in an email so you know they were not) then you may stop at that and know that there is something fishy going on -- or you can proceed and let the cat out of the bag that you know.

Guys with lots to hide tend to freak out when you inadvertently find evidence of them being shady... guys with nothing to hide generally wont mind talking you down out of an insecure moment and put your mind at ease.... but some guys even if they aren't doing anything wrong -- completely flip at the idea of your accusations, and cant see past them being 'untrusted' to try to help you get through what you are going through.

If you guys have a loving happy relationship, it could be that he was just chatting up some girl online, bored, whatever.... if the thought of him doing that doesn't feel like its cheating then don't worry about it.

If, on the other hand, you are opposed to him talking interactively with women online and recieving naked pictures of them... it might be something you wish to take up now prior to tying the knot.

Make sure you are both on the same page as far as respect and fidelity go.. what you consider just living and having fun and what you consider breaking a trust... he can relay to you also how he feels about that.

Its ultimately up to you. I, personally, have a problem donning 'quiet shoes' and trying not to make waves when something has hurt my feelings -- I generally address it. I think if the two of you can't talk about what is bothering you and work through it... its setting a tone for how you handle future concerns.

[sun.shine]

Thank you for breaking it down, Helpless Dork. From seeing a few emails (picture ones, various kind) between them spread out over the course of more than two years I guess she must be a kind of a distant friend that pops up from time to time? Like not someone who he just started talking to one night that he was bored.

I'm kind of torn and I guess that doesn't make it easy. One moment I think that it's not such a big deal and there was only one recent picture, but then it starts bugging me and I want to casually ask him about it and then it bugs me some more and I start stewing thinking "What a sends him a pic like that knowing he has a fiancee" (since he sent her pics of jewelry he was getting me, she must have known). And then I think that I'm really over-reacting and the whole cycle begins again

Another thing is that if I was to talk to him about it - we're not going to see each other for another few weeks - so do I want to ask him about that not face-to-face? So maybe it's just that it's fresh in my mind and in a little while it won't matter anymore?

[rcoreyus]

At the moment you are living far apart, he doesn't see you that often. I think it would be different if he were avoiding you and chatting up other girls.

I'd guess he is likely to remain flirty with other women even when he is living with you. You need to think about whether that bothers you or not. This really is your choice. Does he flirt with other women when you are around?

The reason I don't personally think it is too bad is that this seems rare. A picture or 2 in the last year. No sign he has actually been cheating or anything.

[Hopeless Dork]

I notice I am more upset about things when my guy is not in front of me, when something has hurt me I tend to fire it away on phone calls, texts and emails -- the minute I see him I have a hard time being upset with him. It all seems so irrelevent when I look into his eyes and see and feel his sincerity.

I think whatever you decide to do unless its causing you turmoil of emotions to wait until you are in person to ask your questions. Long distance fighting is awful. Its too easy to hang up a phone or exit out of a conversation. Its too easy to say something cruel when you aren't looking at the face of the one you love.

Important matters are best handled in person for this reason. Also when you are with him again you may come to decide this isn't an issue worth battling , its always a matter of picking which ones to fight. You can't fight them all or its just being a nag and they tune you out if everything upsets you.

I'd wait til you are in person... and see how your heart feels. If its heavy, discuss, if you are fine -- leave it be unless he gives you reasons to be unsure.

[Aqemini1977]

Generally speaking it is not natural for a man to go weeks or months without contact with a female. If he is very handsome, I am sure women are available to him on a weekly basis. Even though you provide all the support and loving care stuff over the phone. You are not there for the everyday grind so it is much easier for him to stray. Not saying that he has but how realistic is it for him to be totally faithful to you when you only see each other a few times a year or month.

You are both single but in a committed relationship but the distance changes the dynamic of your relationship. I would advise not to say anything to him. Once you move to the same city I would date (for real dating) him and see how things go.

If you do question him what are you going to say. "Hey are you sleeping with this chic" , "who is she", these are questions that you probably don't want to know the answer to. He will probably not admit any wrong doing up front unless he is looking for a way out with you. B/C if he was "honest Abe" he would have told you about her already. So he has some deceit in his heart. All men do. If you are going to wait to find a man with "No deceit" good luck and God speed.

[Hopeless Dork]

So he has some deceit in his heart. All men do. If you are going to wait to find a man with "No deceit" good luck and God speed.

If you believe there is no men that can be without deceit then you must believe the same of all women... because both are human and capable of such... but just because they are capable doesn't mean they do it. I personally find that line of reasoning so completely jaded and hopeless. If you really believe everyones a big cheating liar whats the point of being in a relationship at all?

Believe it or not.. some people actually LIKE the person they are in a relationship with, are attracted to them, love them, enjoy their company and share their life with them...

Opportunities a couple times a week? What city do you live in that women are just randomly throwing the poontang at guys a couple times a week... I'm sure plenty of the single guys that come here and can't find one date a month would love to hear about this magical place where the girls come so easily.

[Mes T]

Okay I didn't read all of the replies, but basically if it's bothering you, you should say something. And you don't have to say "I was snooping, etc etc." Just say "I was looking at some of our pictures from last time, and I accidentally came across this..."

Because if you don't say anything, it's highly likely that your imagination will run off with you. But if you say something now, he'll more than likely explain himself and put your mind at rest.