[chery]

I have been with my partner now for 4.5 years. We now have a 7 month old son together and I really feel that the relationship should move up a gear!

We have lived together now for 2.5 years and share a lovely home, great holidays and some pretty awesome friends...so why wont he marry me??

When I ask he comes up with all the usual excuses....''please not now, we are having a lovely day/evening/time. or ''pre-nuptials dont work'' or ''its always in favor of the women'' or "Im not religious'' ......and the classic one of ''it originates from slavery - and is downgrading to women'' - thats all I need is a feminist man!

If he was a rich man I could understand he was guarding his wealth but we dont even own our own home, we both drive old cars and he earns a modest wage.

His best friend and his Mother both disagree with marriage. So I know that his opinion is strengthened by their insanity.

When I registered my son I gave him my partners surname ..hoping that one day he would ask for my hand in marrige and we would be the traditional family unit, but after last nights argument I know it will never happen.

My worry is ..If he cant commit to me 100% than whats the point?? Im terrified of being a single parent but im also terrified of spending my 30's with a man that doesnt have his whole heart in the relationship.

If I let you know that we spilt up in 2008 due to his irrelevant attitude towards me and then we commenced the relationship again after he went on holiday with friends and realised he ''loved me'' - I was totally against the idea and wanted ''out'' only to have one stupid night and fell pregnant with my beautiful son. My partner wanted an abortion when he found out and went skiing when i should have been terminating the pregnancy. But I stood at the centre and I just couldnt do it - I wanted a child, YES it was terrible timing but that wasnt its fault...so now Im a parent.

Im struggling more and more to stay focused on this relationship ...it always appears that if I shut my mouth and smile sweetly we are an awesome couple ....but as soon as I challenge him we argue. He never wants to discuss anything...and if I say Im not happy ''im whining'' - He tells me that he loves me ...cuddles me in bed...kisses me in public. treats me to presents and dinners ........IM SO CONFUSED



So why wont he marry me?

[LanaBear]

Some people just don't believe in marriage. I started off thinking, who's to say that just because he doesn't believe in marriage that he is not 100% invested into this relationship, that is heart is not completely in it.

But, then I got to the end. I'm not sure. You got pregnant accidentally, when the two of you were not really in a relationship anymore. Do you think you would be together if it weren't for your son? He realized he loved you, but you wanted out... I'm assuming your feelings have since changed?

[chery]

Love

I loved him even when he decided that he didnt want me in his life anymore ...I was totally heartbroken.

The previous two years had been really hard for me - I was diagnosed with a serious illness in 2006 and spent 3 weeks in hospital I met him shortly after leaving hospital and just fell in love with him. I spotty and very skinny from all the medication so ..he definitely wasn't being shallow when he met me! His family hated me! His father couldnt understand WHY on gods earth he would want to be with me! And his Mother was the same ...always making cutting remarks ...But he stayed with me

It took me a year to get better and I had to graduate from Uni...stressful time ..but I graduated with a 2:1 - I graduated into a recession and couldnt find a job for 6 months in that time I had moved in with him and desperately wanted my life to be calmer and more sorted. The stress of trying to find a job and then keep a job that was bloody awful triggered my illness again and put me in hospital.

My partner decided that me going into hospital was an ''emotional break'' for him and would even tell people he was sick of talking about my illness! People would call to see if i was ok and he would tell them that he was fed up with it all !!! this hurt as I was trying so hard not to have anymore drama in my life. It got worst when I was placed into solitary confinement - being that ill and alone is awful. My biggest excitement was visitors..My family live 500 miles away so My Partner was only visitor and he came for an hour a few times and then would declare he was bored and wanted to go home and play his guitar! When I came out of Hospital I told him i had enough of crying over him - ...but I still loved him. He told me he would rather I moved out and that he was going on a 3 week holiday and expected me have found a place by the time he gets back! I was at my lowest point in my life and he just kicked me to the kerb.

So Christmas 2008 I had no Job, Home or Boyfriend! I was still ill (an illness triggered by stress) and he just tootled off on holiday without a second thought about me.

So now you can understand that when i found a job (whilst he was away) I also paid a deposit for a house a few miles away from him and couldnt wait to be free of the hurt he kept causing me.

BUT he returned from the trip ...admitted he had made a hugh mistake, and wanted me to stay. I still wanted to go, I was fed up with years of tears and hurt from him...but still had sex with him and I ended up pregnant. He stopped being a perpetual boy after the 3rd time he tried to make me abort the baby ....Im pretty stubborn and was determined to have it even if he didnt want to be apart of his life.

He ended up taking me on a Caribbean holiday but asked that I didnt talk about the pregnancy or babies the entire time. When I was younger I dreamed of getting married and having children and the while affair would be celebrated ....instead i was met with his Father telling me to abort and telling his son that he was making the biggest mistake of his life.

So the pregnancy progressed we moved to a bigger place and he seemed supportive and excited, he was at the birth and LOVES his son very much.

Having our Son has changed both of us for the better - we have both grown up and he is less self-indulgent and more thoughtful. But even though he says he wants to grow old with me - actions speak louder than words.

A last thought is that his ex- girlfriend was a great love of his and he wanted to marry her. He puts this down to being young and stupid.

Do you think the fact his parents separated when he was 7 added to this?? and the fact his mother never remarried but lives with her boyfriend for the past 30 years.

Any input will help ...I cant talk to anyone about this.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why is a piece of paper so important?

His Mother is living proof that you can survive a relationhip 30 years, without it.

He's been with you through thick and thin, is with you and has been for a long time.

The more you urk him over it the more you'll push him away.

Ask yourself if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and if it is, then it is what it is, enjoy your laughter, and keep the relationship happy.

The fear of "non-commitment" by a piece of paper, will eat at you and destroy this relationship, coupled with what you know from the past, with his ex, fear destroys, don't let it...

Remind yourself that he's with YOU and without these discussions your pretty much happy and in love.

CW

[WildChild]

You set yourself up, over and over he proved that you shouldn't be in a relationship with him, you kept coming back for more. Over and over he told you he didn't want marriage and didn't want the child. He's accepted the baby but are going to have to accept that he doesn't want to marry. When you have a child as a single and against the father's wishes, I think you have have understand that you need to be prepared to be a single parent. He's there right now, but who knows about tomorrow? Really this is always true.

Signing on the dotted line doesn't create a commitment. There are many people here who've found that out. Why not focus on creating the best life that you can for yourself and your child. Let this man know that as long as he is a productive and positive part of it, he is welcome but always be prepared to be able to support yourself and your child.

[sourpuss]

You set yourself up, over and over he proved that you shouldn't be in a relationship with him, you kept coming back for more. Over and over he told you he didn't want marriage and didn't want the child. He's accepted the baby but are going to have to accept that he doesn't want to marry. When you have a child as a single and against the father's wishes, I think you have have understand that you need to be prepared to be a single parent. He's there right now, but who knows about tomorrow? Really this is always true.

Signing on the dotted line doesn't create a commitment. There are many people here who've found that out. Why not focus on creating the best life that you can for yourself and your child. Let this man know that as long as he is a productive and positive part of it, he is welcome but always be prepared to be able to support yourself and your child.

I couldn't agree more.

[Hopeless Dork]

If a relationship is happy and healthy... marriage won't make it happier and healthier. If a relationship is miserable and down a bad path marriage won't fix it. Some women feel more secure married than when in a relationship, but thing is... a man that is going to cheat, to leave, to treat you bad... will do so whether or not he's put a ring on it.

I've known girls that have broken up with awesome guys because they failed to propose and ended with guys they didn't feel as loved by but that would marry them.

You have to understand what matters most in a relationship is love and trust, being made to feel special and doing the same for someone else. To know you have someone, no matter what else is wrong in the world, that will hold you and make your problems melt away with their touch.

If you have that without a ring... a ring is pretty... but it isn't the be all end all.

If you don't have that without a ring..a ring will not give you it.

[chery]

Thanks

Thanks for your comments

I agree I am pretty traditional and do put and awful lot of emthasis on marrige being the ultimate commitment - I would only marry someone that I thought i could grow and develope with and assume that others think the same.

My grandparents and my parents had a wounderful relationship and I always aspired to have the same when i met that special someone ....it didnt turn out that way. But then how boring would life be if it was that predictable!

Ive felt so hurt over the years and seen his anti marrige philophies - I always saw this concept as a damaging element of the relationship. ....he doesnt want it so its not happening.

Im going to stop thinking about the idea of marrying him - your right he didnt want my son but now he loves him - i wanted him out of my life for good and now we get on rellly well. ...I want marrige he doesnt and I think I am just going to have to agree to disagree on this one! and thats hard!

I do get really angry at myself for having a child with a man that hurt me so much over the years! Im an educted business women that has quiet royally messed up. Its somthing i could have chosen and in the end fate chose it for me.

I can hear my Father now telling me to make the most of the situation and dont dwell to much on the past.

I think thats what you guys are telling me ...so im going to listen and stop wishing for something that isnt EVER going to happen. its such a waste of my energy and im fed up with getting upset over it!

Thanks again

xx

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Never look at your past and try to correct it with your current in the terms that you feel that will make it "allright"

It's allright, without the paper, your happy, he's happy, your son's happy....

Your Father is correct.........

It's not about wishing, it's about trying to solve the past, closure, trying to make a reality over what didn't happen in paper. You have it without the paper, be happy.

CW

[30ish]

Don't make excuses for him. If, by this point, he hasn't asked you to marry him, chances are he isn't going to. Break up with him.

I was in a similar situation to yours and I wish someone had told me to dump him before I invested x years on him.