[missmindy]

Wow....I was going to ask my man to marry me (yes I know it's untraditional) but these posts provide a whole new POV! I mean I still plan to ask but, I know it would not be the end of the world if he says no......thanks guys!

[Faerunner]

I'm glad the forums could help! I understand how upsetting it can be when a partner doesn't share your views.

When I got into my first serious relationship marriage was top of the list. I wanted the white gown, the big party, a horse-drawn carriage... the whole 9 yards! Of course weddings are expensive, you end up with a lot of stress from planning them, and in the end you've paid $10k or more out-of-pocket ('cause you know your/his parents probably won't pay!), and all you got is a nice slip of paper and some photos of you all dressed up. Eventually I figured that out before I got too far into planning, and although we are planning on an eventual self-uniting marriage (no ceremony, just signing the bit of paper), we're not rushing for it because we are already committed... the certificate is just a legal statement.

If you want to have some of the fun of a wedding without the hassle, you could get a cheap gown, dress it up with good accessories and get photos done! I've done this and it's great fun! You could also see about buying a ring or other piece of nice jewelry with him (and possibly get one for him, if he doesn't think it's "a symbol of slavery to your partner"), and use that as a symbol of his commitment to you. Even a non-traditional ring worn on the ring finger can be shown off as a 'wedding band', and most people won't question it.

I'm sorry if I sound cynical. I know marriage is a huge deal for many people and I don't want to downplay its importance, but it's not everything. You seem to have a pretty good life with this man, and it matters more that you're happy with him than whether or not he's signed a paper. Best wishes for you both!

[zanzibar]

My partner and I have been living together for about 4 years as well. We have known each other and even dated on and off for over a decade before we got together for good. We have never been too kicked about "being married" so when we got back together no promise of marriage was made. In fact he categorically said that he did not want marriage but wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.We have a great relationship. We fight as all couples do but we settle things as quickly as possible and our love and respect for each other always comes first.

Early last year however we said our vows and had a small quiet ceremony and got married (in the spiritual sense I suppose)but we are not legally married yet. He was married briefly before that ended in a bitter divorce. So he does not want to ever do it again. He feels that I will leave him if we go legally married. I hear his reasons and understand it. We both live in a foreign country with independent valid visas. He however has a residency status while I only hold a work visa which is coming up for renewal.So for practical purposes there is a need to be legally married. But he is vehemently against it. I know no promises were made and I was perfectly okay with it, maybe I didn't think too far ahead or was in denial. It suited me fine then.

I have about 5 months to go on my visa and we need to start planning soon if we want to make it legal. We have been having some horrible fights about it lately He swears that he loves me and is committed to me but I also feel dejected that he would not do this for me to help me. He does not even want to talk about it he is somehow hoping or expecting things to work themselves out, while I am getting completely antsy and starting to question things lately.

To his credit tho' I have to mention here, once last week in the middle of a fight he agreed and said we will do it . But i was so angry and upset that I said that I do not trust him to go through with it. I know he was not happy about agreeing to register, he felt cornered in a sense.

So one part of me is also questioning if getting the paperwork done is really important. It is not going to prove the credibility of our relationship to us. We are sure about it in our hearts. I can figure out my visa status on my own. I have done it for so many years now.

Another part of me however is asking myself "shouldn't he be committed enough and actually have the guts to sign on the dotted line like he did in his first marriage"?? (regardless of the consequences)

Am I being pushy? I really don't know what to do...

err..did I mention I am also confused!!!! (if it is not immediately obvious)

[zanzibar]

Good luck with your proposal missmindy. I believe that most relationships will work well if we don't wait for the other person to take the initiative. If you love someone enough and feel that he/she is the one admit it boldly.