[tinkerbell930]

I don't think issues get resolved when they are ignored. If he won't go to counseling, then you should start going for yourself. I don't know why he tells you he doesn't have any female friends but does. It could be that he KNOWS he is in the wrong and admitting wrong is NEVER a mans strong point. He tells you that you can't have male friends. That is controlling and possesive and insecure on his part. A marriage with trust is imperative. You can always be "aware" that the opposite sex can try to harm your marriage, but not require that there is no contact for either of you with opposite sex friends. DON'T give up your friends because your marriage is more important, UNLESS, these male friends are harmful to your marriage. That includes female friends for you and male friends for you. You have to stay away from any person that could be harmful to you both. As for him being a good husband "most of the time", it is the other times that you and he need to work on. If he can give you "orders" about who you can and can't talk to or what you can and can't do....then you should be able to ASK him to get counseling. If he continually refuses then you need to give him the ultimatum. You need to ask him how important you and your marriage is to him. If he can't live without you, then insist he go to counseling with you. Call some counselors in your phone book, if you go to church talk to your pastor about it. Maybe there is an approach you can use that will have your husband believing that by him going to counseling with you, YOU will finally see things HIS way. If that makes sense to you. It is a trick to get him to go. He WON'T go because he knows he is a manipulator and a counselor will give you back some strength. He wants to control you and an outsider (counselor) will tell you that. If you tell your husband that you want to go to a counselor WITH him to help you see things a little better from HIS point of view, maybe he will go. I know it is a game, but you need to see what he is willing to do for YOU. I could go on and on, but you need to get something back for you. No matter how sweet he is 80% of the time....there is some underlying issues about his personality you need to be leery of. Keep letting us know how it goes!!!

[amom]

Thanks ladies but I already suggested counseling to him many times and he thinks he doesn't need help. See things are good with us most of the time but every once in a while we have big fights and that is when the issue comes back up. He has this whole thing about woman having guy friends. He thinks that no man has any business being friend with a married woman. He believes that the guy will always have bad intentions. My husband is more important to me so I cut all ties with my old male friends, even the married with kids friends. He always told me he doesn't have any female friends and now I found out that he talks to some friends from an old academic program from time to time. She doesn't live in the area and he claims she is engaged to be married. I was so ****ed off that he has these people's phone number and here I am an idiot who deleted all my male friends e-mail addresses and phone numbers.I've know these people for almost 10 years! He says woman are not like men they don't have bad intentions. They don't have bad intentions my ***! I told him woman are not as obvious as men when they do have bad intentions. I tried talking to him about it but we just argued. I was so tempted to just delete the numbers and e-mail addresses myself but then I wanted him to do it. I think I will just look up all my friends and get their info.- You ladies are probably thinking we have so many issues.
I think we have too many unresolved issues because he refuses to take care of it when it comes up. Then I have to bring it up repeatedly and look like I'm just always trying to pick fights. Don't get me wrong ladies he is a good husband most of the time. He takes care of me. He cooks for me, he's very affectionate. He is always telling me that he loves me and how happy that he is to have me. It is just we have these arguments and it's like he's someone else. Once after an argument he told me that part of him hates me and part of him loves me. I think he's really trying this time though because the small things he would pick fights with me about before, he doesn't any more, at least not as often.
-Do you think he can change without counseling. Do you think he could just stop watching porn and get over his problems about my past or do you think we will just keep having problems for years to come? How can I talk to him about his female friends? I don't think he will cheat on me but the fact that he was acting like he didn't have any female friend when he did really concerns me. All of this is just draining my energy. I hate it.

..if things were OK with your marriage overall you would not be posting here about your concerns with it and your husband..I would kick him out and tell him the only way back is if you both go to counseling and resolve your issues..*****footing around with him just prolongs your misery..

[Time to Be Free]

It is time to do something!!!!!

I don't know your age but you seem to be rather young. I understand what you are going through with your husband and it is very unhealthy. I come from a different point of view so please hear me out.

I don't think there is anything wrong with watching porn. When I was much younger I had major issues with it because I thought it was dirty and horrible. I have since changed my opinion. People who see sex as dirty will always have an issue with porn. Your husband may think sex is dirty and that is why he choses to have negative responses to you about his viewing it. This is his issue NOT yours! However, at no point should he make you feel like in some way your are less because he watches it. He is manipulating you and there is no excuses for that. If you allow him to make you feel there is something wrong with you after a while you may end up with a nervous breakdown or something.

I am not saying he is misogynistic but he displays many of its characteristics. There is a book about toxic relationships I think your should read, because I truly believe you are in fact in one. I don't care if you have slept with 3 or 50 men before you met him. Be proud of you and your decisions. If had an issue with it he should not have married you, period. There is no excuse for him torturing you at this point as if it will change any of the history that has come before him.

He is trying to alienate you from everyone because he fears others closer to you may have some influence on your decisions. He is very insecure and assumes you may find all men are not like him. There is something about you that has him dealthy afraid of you leaving. Therefore, he choses to play mind games and belittle you in order to keep you under control. I don't mean to be harsh but your husband is VERY IMMATURE. He has a lot of growing up to do.

I agree with the other ladies you MUST get counseling. Even if it is just for you at first. If you are in school the should University have free counseling, most do. You may not be depressed now but if you don't get help soon you can spiral downwards from where you are now. Take your life into your own hands and get some help immediately. No more excuses!!!!

[allcried out]

Well see the thing is he didn't know how many men I was with in the past when he married me that is why it was such a big deal.He knew that I was not a virgin though. I think he is more saddened about the fact that I am not the perfect person he thought I was. I no longer believe he is the perfect guy that I thought he was too. but I think that is what happens when you meet someone for the first time, you think they are perfect then you are brought back to the reality that no one is perfect.I think he is having a really hard time accepting that.Where he is from men usually only marry virgins.Since he is from another country I think it would be rally hard to analyze him like you would the typical American.
I don't think he should have spoken to me in that way or make me suffer for it all the time though. Before we married he always had this fairy tale image of how he would meet someone that was perfect in all aspects and of course she would be a virgin. Now he feels like his dreams were ruined. He says he thinks things will change when we move away after college. I think they really will too. He will still be a very jealous man though. -See I do have a problem with my husband watching porn and I don't necessarily believe him when he says he will never watch porn again. He said that before and he continued to watch it. So whats so different now? In my opinion nothing is different. We are in an unhealthy relationship. that I know. He doesn't really trust woman much which is hard but I don't really trust him either which is so sad. I don't really think I can do much right now. He wont seek counseling at school and I don't know what to do. I will not leave him though. He is my heart.
From what I am telling you do you think that he has the characteristics of someone that will cheat?

[twilight_at_dawn]

I don't really know your situation all that well, but to me, I believe that sometimes people have urges that can't be satisfied with their others. Porn is not necessarily a bad thing. It can inspire imaginative things. It can promote a creative sex life. Of course, it can also become a bad addiction. In this case, I think he's using it, as an escape, because he's too obsessed with you being "impure". Which is a load of crap. I'm sure he has his own...psychotic...reasons for believing you are a *****, and otherwise worthless, because he wasn't your first. In that case. You are not a *****. And you, and no other woman will ever be that kind of worthless. Send him to counseling, he needs it.

[hotdogg]

time to be free speaks alot of sense!

[Guest]

don't buy the lie that you're being neurotic about your concern over porn. sure it can be inspiring, thrilling, exciting - can lead to mind-boggling sex. so can a hit of ecstacy. you're right to be wary of it & to be hurt by your husband's consumption of it.

there are women who don't mind it & think it's normal. that's OK for them, you know? but don't ever buy the lie that you should compare yourself to them & be more like them. "oh, if i was just like these other girls who don't mind pron, maybe we wouldn't have these problems." that's nonsense. you are the normal one. please believe that.

our culture has turned unhealthy sex into healthy sex & vice versa. our society's perspective regarding sex is all screwed up. there's a reason your instincts are telling you that you should be upset that your husband is derriving sexual pleasure from ANYTHING other than you. you have those instincts for a reason!

it is woven into the beautiful fabric of being a woman that you long to be the sole desire of your husband. little girls don't dream of being one day swept off their feet by prince charming who will beat off regularly to images & videos of hot, ****ty girls engaging in hot, dirty sex. there's a reason for that.

women have to be conditioned to think that's acceptable. don't let yourself be conditioned to believe that.

you're worth more.

[AntiPrincess]

Sweetie,

Porn is not the problem in your relationship; it's a symptom of a much larger problem. It sounds to me like your husband is emotionally and mentally abusing you. Like many abusers, he's usually nice and charming. And then he does the things you've written about. Harps on things from the past, continually bringing them up, regardless of your current situation. He calls you names, and tells you that his unacceptable actions are your fault. He goes out of his way to demean you, and make you feel like he is your only option. He tells you who you can and cannot see, just step one of him controlling your actions. It *will* get worse.

Please, please seek counseling and get out while you can. If he refuses to see anything wrong with his actions, it will only get worse from here.

[cupid]

Something similar.....

My husband is out of town and found some weird porn.....transgender porn. Men having sex with women (with a penis) THIS IS REALLY WEIRD....is he gay? The file was under "shemale"

I DON'T WANT TO BLIND MYSELF

[hotdogg]

don't buy the lie that you're being neurotic about your concern over porn. sure it can be inspiring, thrilling, exciting - can lead to mind-boggling sex. so can a hit of ecstacy. you're right to be wary of it & to be hurt by your husband's consumption of it.

there are women who don't mind it & think it's normal. that's OK for them, you know? but don't ever buy the lie that you should compare yourself to them & be more like them. "oh, if i was just like these other girls who don't mind pron, maybe we wouldn't have these problems." that's nonsense. you are the normal one. please believe that.

our culture has turned unhealthy sex into healthy sex & vice versa. our society's perspective regarding sex is all screwed up. there's a reason your instincts are telling you that you should be upset that your husband is derriving sexual pleasure from ANYTHING other than you. you have those instincts for a reason!

it is woven into the beautiful fabric of being a woman that you long to be the sole desire of your husband. little girls don't dream of being one day swept off their feet by prince charming who will beat off regularly to images & videos of hot, ****ty girls engaging in hot, dirty sex. there's a reason for that.

women have to be conditioned to think that's acceptable. don't let yourself be conditioned to believe that.

you're worth more.

get a grip!
porn is not the problem her loser husband is the problem!

oh and what is your idea of normal? people who hate porn! what a suprise!