[Confused11]

Gosh.. I do think I'll have to 'confront' him because I would never accept him cheating on me with another woman... but I guess I'm scared of what I'll lose. I do think that he is bi, not gay because he seems genuinely attracted to me and my body (I'm no beauty). I can't believe it's all come to this... 5 months before we're due to marry. We've booked honeymoon, reception etc etc and I've been looking for 'the' dress...

[MissMeSha810]

Hey sweets....Sorry folks, but the truth of the matter is this; a gut feeling or and intuition will cause you feel a lack of trust. That lack of trust will cause you to snoop. The snooping will cause you to find exactly what your intuition was trying to tell you in the first place....HE WAS LYING AND HIDING WHO HE WAS AND IS! I don't believe you were wrong for snooping. I don't snoop on my husband because I trust him but if my 'Spidy Senses' start to tingle, I WILL turn into 007 in a heart beat. This man has played a Clark Kent role in front of your face all of this time but behind your back is Superman, Spiderman and Wolverine all rolled into one!!! Him being bisexual is not a problem but is that something that you are comfortable with because apparently this is still a side that he still wants to explore and didn't plan on you knowing about it. Emails from 2006? It's 2010 and you've got evidence from the past four years. You've known him for 2 years and not once has he come clean. He has lived his lie with you all this time and now you may look at him as a stranger. What else has he hidden? Are there people or a person that he is seeing now? Has he actually cheated or met up with someone? There are things you need answers to before moving forward with someone who is now a complete stranger. Just advise from my side of the fence.

[Mes T]

My opinion is that if someone's "spidy senses" are tingling as you put it, that's cause for confronting the person directly about whatever might be on your mind... NOT cause for secretly logging into his email and reading through years and years of messages that, by the way, had nothing to do with you back in 06.

Anyway I have a pretty strong opinion on this, simply because... I did JUST THAT on my ex, I logged into his account and looked through years worth of messages. I found some little things that in my mind grew into big things, and eventually I became so insecure that our relationship crumbled. I still have those urges sometimes, to snoop, and I work really hard to suppress them.

But back to the topic, Confused11, I know this is a tough situation and it's easy to expect the worst... But you gotta remember that once you talk to him about it all, it COULD turn out to be something quite harmless. That's why you should get it off your chest asap, to give him a chance to calm your mind if it really is not as bad as it seems.

In any case I think you'll both feel like a weight has been lifted once these findings are out in the open.

[stressed]

I don't think checking his emails is equally wrong as him being secretively bi and planning to marry. Marriage is not to be taken light heartedly. You don't want to marry a man who hasn't told you everything about his sexual orientation. Something told you to check his emails, be it insecurity, doubts, something he said or did, it happens. I am actually glad you found this now and not after being married to him.

Tell him what you did and what you found, but don't "confront" him in the sense of arguing about it or blaming him because he will turn defensive on you. It's better to have a talk about it, ask him what he was after, if he is interested in men and so on, and remind him that you love him anyway but you are shocked and thought he would have told you by now.

As the others have said, it doesn't matter if he's bi or straight. It doesn't mean he will cheat on you with a man. But you will tell by the discussion. If he is curious about trying with a man or if it's only porn that excites him. Do talk about it as this is too much of a big secret to be kept for life.

Yes, snooping can ruin relationships if it gets out of hand. Bo so can secrets and lies.

[Confused11]

Thanks Girls! I hear the truth in your 'voices' even if sometimes they are confronting. It is a big thing isn't it? I don't want to make mountains out of molehills if I should just be grateful to have a warm hearted, loving man in my life. I am so glad I joined this site. I feel like I have so many new friends... your opinions and advice are really valuable to me as I don't feel there is anyone else I can voice this to. What do you think about trying to 'trap' him by contacting him as a 'bi guy'? I know that's deceitful too.. but at least then I'd know he was currently looking...

[LanaBear]

You do have friends here, so, stick around, you have many to talk to.

Personally, I'm against the whole trapping him idea by trying to contact him as another bi-guy. You know what you know, confront him about it. If you are going to continue on in this relationship, you need to be able to openly communicate with each other, the good and the bad.

Don't be deceitful about it, that just takes you down to a level that you don't want to be at. Be open about it, if you are open with him, hopefully he'll take it as a sign and be open with you. Being bi isn't the end of a relationship, he's probably scared that you will think it is. However, you need to make it known that acting on it is.

Find out what he is looking for, talk to him and try to get him to be honest with you, but also, stand your ground on what you will accept and what you won't.

[KMonte85]

Bad call on trying to trap him by creating a fake bi guy's profile and baiting him. That is just being deceitful and skirting around the issue you have in your relationship. Ask yourself, what will it accomplish? Nothing positive, that's for sure.

Just talk to him. You need to confess that you snooped because of being insecure about the porn he was looking at, and that was your mistake and apologize for it.

And then ask him about the emails, profiles, etc... have a conversation. Don't throw accusations, judgements, etc into the mix - just try to get him to open up to what is obviously something he isn't comfortable with and/or doesn't want to admit to himself or you. It is going to be a tough conversation, but if you really do want to stay with this man, you need to have it.

[LanaBear]

Fact of the matter is, everyone is entitled to their opinion. We do not pass judgment here and do not talk down to people because the way they post or what their opinions are on the matter or what they've done in the past, present or future.

We can either get back to the OP's issue and request for assistance or close the thread.

*If anybody is confused, numerous posts have been deleted to get this thread back on track*

[Confused11]

Hi again... thanks for not closing the thread Lana. I am relying on you guys at the moment!
I could hardly sleep last night with everything running through my head. So many mixed up thoughts! I went through the whole 'if I never say anything then nothing will change and no one else will know' to 'if I say something I'll have to move out' and at 3am this morning I was feeling very like ending it. To look at him lying peacefully next to me had me swirling with emotions... one minute loving him, the next feeling repulsed at what's been going on.
I know I need to talk to him. I'm biding my time because it's going to be a long, heavy discussion. I don't want to have it one night when he'll just think I'm being tired and emotional. I'm waiting for Saturday morning... if I can bite my tongue that long!

[stressed]

If you find it difficult to talk to him, write him a letter (not longer than one page, men are lazy readers and can miss the point). Tell him what you found, how you feel and how you don't know how to start this discussion. That you deserve to know if you are to be his wife.

It's such a difficult subject that you may want to avoid if you postpone it for too long and you will only feel worse for every day you don't talk about it. Weekend is a good time though, as it won't affect anyone's jobs.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've also come across something similar with my fiance.