[Confused11]

Hi Everyone,
This is my first ever post. I really don't know where to start but I feel so confused right now.
A couple of months ago I jumped onto my fiance's computer and he had not shut down properly and his most recent viewing popped up. It was gay porn. I was so shocked. We have been together for more than 2 years now and are engaged to be married in the next 5 months! I did confront him about what I had seen and he just laughed it off, saying it was no big deal, that he was just curious to see what was the attraction (we'd discussed my brother's friend being gay recently). I questioned him and he said he'd never been with a man and had no desire to be with one, that he was just curious and I'd have to trust him.
I love him and we have a great sex life so I did believe him but it just somehow didn't sit right with me.
Anyway, today I logged into his email (I guessed his password) and have just spent the last 3 hours reading (and printing some) emails that date back to 2006 (before we met). From what I can gather, my fiance has several current profiles on gay websites and emails men with intimate photos, arranging to meet. He lists himself as married and needing to meet at other people's places. The most recent email was sent at the end of March this year.
I just don't know what to think or what to do about this. I feel like I've been cheated on, and for all I can gather, I think I have, at least once or twice.... but I do love him. He's kind and gentle and says all the right things, wants a family etc... I can't talk to anyone about this because it will forever influence how they view him. I'm also confused about whether we should be going ahead with the wedding. All my life I've wanted to be married and have kids, and I'm 36 so hoped my prince had finally come. Do I give up the marriage and maybe never have kids? or do I live with the feeling that there are 3 or more of us in this relationship?
Please help...

[rcoreyus]

His being interested in both men and women isn't the problem, his acting on it is. I would treat it exactly if he was on dating sites for other women. Being Bi doesn't give someone a right to cheat.

On the other hand snooping is bad.

Maybe you and he should have a long talk. Would you believe him if he promised to be faithful (whether or not he is attracted to men) and would you not snoop again? If the answer to either of those is no, then it is probably better to end the relationship. No point living with someone you can't trust.

[Mes T]

I just don't get it, why do so many people secretly read their SO's emails (or phone messages or what have you)?? And I don't mean to come off as judgmental.. but the amount of this that I hear about is just astounding. Snooping is SUCH a violation of privacy...!

But anyhoo, I agree with rcoreyus... It's only a problem if he ACTS on it while he's with you, and from what you've posted, it seems like he may have done so already.

If I were you, I'd confess to him that you looked through his emails, and then confront him about all of the things you've found. And go from there.

[LanaBear]

His being interested in both men and women isn't the problem, his acting on it is. I would treat it exactly if he was on dating sites for other women. Being Bi doesn't give someone a right to cheat.

On the other hand snooping is bad.

Maybe you and he should have a long talk. Would you believe him if he promised to be faithful (whether or not he is attracted to men) and would you not snoop again? If the answer to either of those is no, then it is probably better to end the relationship. No point living with someone you can't trust.

Completely agree here. It's not a matter of being with another man or woman. The problem that it is cheating regardless. You have to approach it as if it were another woman. As stated above, just because it is a person of the same sex, does not justify the actions.

[Confused11]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I know snooping was the 'wrong' thing to do... but does it compare to cheating? I think I'd rather know if my SO was cheating. He's welcome to 'snoop' on me because I have nothing to hide. I do feel confused because he's 'my dream guy' and yet he's still searching for something I obviously can't provide.

[LanaBear]

IMO, talk to him, tell him what you found, yeah, it was wrong to snoop, but it's wrong to cheat. Find out what he wants. He either wants one relationship or another. He can't have both, can't have his cake and eat it. It's not fair to you.

Good luck and welcome to the forum!

[JediMaster]

I think you should confront him. If he denies it even though you have seen the evidence, then he is not a keeper. And even though it was a little wrong to snoop, cheating is worse. And dont let him turn it around on you by getting mad at you for looking through his emails. His is by far the worst offense.

[Hopeless Dork]

Snooping IS wrong... but no more wrong than lying about your sexual orientation, cheating and possibly attempting to marry someone under false pretences.

Maybe he loves you, maybe he is sexually attracted to you, maybe he wants a normal life , the kids, the picket fence... maybe he doesn't want to be an 'out' gay man and having to deal with friends and family that don't agree with his lifestyle. Maybe he was hoping you'd change him, maybe he was hoping he'd change on his own... or maybe he knew he was never going to change and intended on lying to you for the rest of your marriage... having gay trysts on the side.

The truth may or may never be known.

Straight men are attracted to women. When they choose one to marry they don't stop being straight. But they stop fooling around, going on dating websites, sending pictures of their privates and arranging meetings etc etc etc.

Just because he is gay or bi does not make his actions any less unfaithful than they would be if these were women he was meeting with.

How does he treat you sexually? Do you feel wanted and desired by him? Does he inniciate sex with you often? Is he interested in your body? Your breasts? Your Vagina? Or does he seem to gloss over any of that stuff? Do you feel he is sexually attracted to you? This will go along way to figuring out if you are dealing with a bi guy who has commitment issues or a gay guy that wants his cake and to eat it too.

Either isn't good. Either isn't what you want. So hopefully there is some other meaning he can give your his actions.

[LanaBear]

Just a couple of other thoughts that keep popping into the brain on this... 5 months until you get married just does not seem like a long enough time to get through all this. UGH - I feel for you, I guess it just depends on how the conversation goes.

And... the whole safe sex thing. Not sure what your source of protection is now, but I'd be going into to get tested. If you have any doubt in your mind that he has not been faithful, go get tested.

[rcoreyus]

Just my opinion, and lots of people will disagree, but I think spying is similar to cheating. One is a lack of trust, the other a lack of being trustworthy. I don't consider either to be fatal flaws though - temptation is hard to resist.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I know snooping was the 'wrong' thing to do... but does it compare to cheating? I think I'd rather know if my SO was cheating. He's welcome to 'snoop' on me because I have nothing to hide. I do feel confused because he's 'my dream guy' and yet he's still searching for something I obviously can't provide.