[emotional]

Thank you for all of your comments. I have gone through some emotional abuse through all of this, but he has gotten better after I have drilled it in his head what he is doing to me. He does know how to push my buttons, and he knows that our daughter is my weakness. He knows how important she is to me and I think he pushes that a lot so he can win. I do feel like giving in, a lot. The emotional destress of all of this is draining. It's almost easier to deal with the unhappiness, then it is to go through the emotions of divorce. This is so hard. I don't know why he thinks we have to battle it out in court and have everything in writing. I have a wedding floral business on the side and I mentioned to him once that if I had a wedding on a weekend she was to be with me, that we could switch up the weekends, and he got upset and said it would have to be in writing. I don't know who he thinks I am, but you'd think after 16 years together he would know. She loves him, and I will never take that away from her. When I finally told him "lets get a divorce" 6 months ago, he did a lot of things in front of her, and said things that made her upset with me, and I didn't do that. That really angered me and broke my heart into fragments. That has gotten better, but the scars are still there. They say things heal with time, but the scars of many, many years are still there. It really, truly hurts that I don't love him anymore. I still love his family, and it scares me that they are going to be upset with me because I can't give it another chance. I'm so torn. This is the hardest decision to ever make. It's been on my mind for 15 months now, and he's only known about it 6 months.

[sourpuss]

If you've been thinking about it for 15 months then you know you have to do something about it.

Yes, it will be hard, yes you will have arguments. But the sooner you deal with it and get started over, the sooner you can be happy and treat yourself with respect.

I can't say that I know what will happen but it sounds like your husband has gotten used to bullying you and he knows what works. If you go and get a lawyer and have all your ducks in a row before approaching him, he won't be able to bully you, he'll have to accept that fact that this is going to happen. Of course he'll be mad and mean and all of that, but that's nothing you haven't dealt with before. But right now, he knows all he has to do is push your buttons and you back down yet again. Approach him prepared, he'll get the message that you are serious and that you can't be bullied anymore. (hopefully)

[pretzel]

If I may add my two cents,

First off, I think he's trying to scare you into staying. This is a continuation of the emotional and verbal abuse that seems to have been prevalent in the relationship. The longer you continue to allow it, the longer and stronger he will become. He already has control of the situation and feels you're not serious.

Whether that's your preference or not, getting everything (EVERYTHING) in writing could actually be to your benefit. Remember the past is part of the process. If as you say there are patterns that are detrimental to the well being of your daughter, believe me that will be taken into account. Any good divorce lawyer will highly recommend that you document everything. That's protecting their client which is what you would be paying for.

I wish I could say that this won't be ugly. Chances are it may very well be. As was pointed out upthread, there is already an effect on your daughter whether you want to believe it or not. Yes, he'll use your daughter as a pawn in this to get what he wants. As sad as that is, it's a reality you have to be ready to deal with if you decide to go through with this. To continue in the marriage and allowing the abuse and setting an environment for you daughter that does not appear to be in her best interest isn't good for anyone, especially her.

Finally, his family isn't making this decision. You are. Remember your family will stand behind you just as much as his family won't. Who would you rather have in your corner, your family or his?

[sourpuss]

Chances are that his family knows what he's like anyway.

[pretzel]

Chances are that his family knows what he's like anyway.

That may be, but that shouldn't be a sign that they'd be supportive to her in this.

[emotional]

Still torn and can't decide what to do.............

It's indecisive me again for those of you who have seen my previous threads. I'm still in my 14 yr marriage. I can't seem to find it in me to trust again and I feel guilty for that. I don't love him anymore. I don't want to be w/ him, well that's what I think I'm feeling. The truth is, I'm so mixed up in countless emotions that I don't even trust my own feelings. I was raised to always put other's feelings before mine, & one of the reasons I'm still there is for our daughter. I'm starting to see the affects on her. It's not fair to her either way. I look into things way to much. I'm so afraid there isn't anything better out there, but also afraid there is. Am I dreaming? He did change in some ways but he's kind of reverted back to his old habits & I think that's because I don't give him the time of day. Part of me feels that if I did give him a chance, maybe things could be better, but the other part is done. Part of me feels I should give him a chance for our daughter, but I can't imagine myself w/ him intimately anymore. We haven't been together for over a year now. I also look at how he has stuck around that long with out it. But I can't get past the past and that's keeping me from even trying to give him another chance. I feel like I have 2 personalities clashing together. Up until a year ago I was content with our life. We have a wonderful daughter, our dream home, wonderful family, etc. Though, there have been times through the years that I've considered leaving.

Through some of our discussions I've said lets just put the house on the market & get this overwith but he doesn't get it. He goes on like I didnt say it, or he'll say, no I'm happy w/ this house (he's talked about wanting more land etc). When he talks about the future, I just want to cringe. I can't see a future w/ him right now.

I'd rather sale the house before filing. But I love the house. It's our dream home we moved into a year 1/2 ago. I hate to lose it. I've worked hard to get to where we are & he won't let me keep it. I can understand that. It seems he won't budge unless I file first and then, it'll be hard to get him out of the house until it sells. He has no where to go & I feel guilty. I don't want to move in w/ my parents. That would be another stress, plus the commute (they live 30 mins away). Plus w/the market today, there's no telling how long it will be on the market. I take pride in my credit and I'm not about to let him ruin that. I will not rent. I feel that's a waste of $. It makes me sick that our daughter & myself maybe the ones to move out. That will be more added stress to her. I think he knows that bothers me. He knows I'm scared. I still don't know what to do. I'm so tired of living like this. Not knowing what I'm going to do. Is it the wrong decision? Am I going to regret it? Am I going to throw away everything for nothing? Do I stay for our daughter? Is there a better guy out there? I have a guy friend I feel would be better but I have to block that out. How can I get in touch with my true inner feelings? I've tried counselling, attending church, time alone, but I'm so afraid. Most things lead to leaving, but I'm so afraid it could be the wrong decision. Will I always wonder what if? I'd rather be at work & thats sad. Sorry for going on and on. Some of you probably think I'm crazy. I feel crazy. I send myself into depression because I can't make up my mind. I'll tell myself I'm going to leave & I feel great, but then I turn around & get down. Then I tell myself I'll stay & I'll feel content, but go down into depression. It's killing my inner self. Friends & family are worried. I've prayed & prayed for guidenace. My mom tells me that maybe he's answering me, but it's not what I want to hear. That made me even more sad. Which way am I supposed to go? Why am I having such a hard time deciding? Some say it's because it's the only life I've known since I got married right out of high school.

[WildChild]

I have merged your three threads on this as they are all a continuation of the same difficulty. This will make it easier for people to respond with understanding.

[IrishGal]

I'm very sorry that you're having to go through all of this. But it sounds to me like at this point theirs not much that can improve the relationship as far as keeping your marriage going. He blames you for not giving him another chance? Hes had many over the years each time you told him your not happy with his actions. Sounds to me like he is very emotionally abusive and thats not something that you should take. I know you feel its important to keep your family together, but your daughter should not have to grow up seeing her father treat you like this. This is going to mold her ideas of how marriage should be and you dont want your daughter to experience the same thing in her future marriage just becasue she thinks that this is how a marriage is suppose to be. He can still be a good dad and can still be in her life.. but maybe it would be better if you both were seperate. you should look into counseling and you could find great counselors that work with people who have children who are going through divorces and they can give you some great parenting classes and advice. Stay strong and dont put up with it. Just be aware.. it starts with emotional abuse.. and it can always get worse.. dont let it get to the point..Best wishes and keep up updated!

[pretzel]

I think I know what you're going through, it's hard.

I really do think you need to answer difinitively whether or not you want to be in this marriage. Not that isn't the obvious question, but throughout your posts your questions and concerns and inability to be comfortable with what you want in life ultimately comes down to this.

If you decide that, on balance, the life you have currently is worth staying in then you can use that to try to make your marriage a better one for you. Maybe seeing a recommitment to the marriage may give him reasons to do the same. I don't know.

If you decide to start anew, it'll be a whole new journey. It'll be one of ups and downs just like it for all of us. What it will be however is a life that you control. There is a certain amount of wonderment in having control over one's life.

[emotional]

The emotional abuse has stopped for the most part. There has been an issue involving our daughter that I'm totally against. A year or so ago he bought a childs go cart. He recently started working on it and rebuilding it. I'm against it 110%. Even though its slow, she's only 6 years old and I've heard to many horror stories of them catching on fire, etc. Might be a little different if she was 12, but she's only 6 and shouldn't be driving anything. Even after me telling him my feelings, he proceeded. My feelings just don't matter. There's so many things I'm tired of.

So is divorce really worth all the headache's that we'll go through with shared custody, etc? I have a friend who has been in a marriage much worse then mine and they are going through it. Even though he's been lucky and his soon to be ex hasn't been showing up to court so if she doesn't do anything in the next couple weeks, he'll win everything including full custody of their kids. He still questions if it was worth it. I also have another friend who has been divorced for about 7 years now and she still wishes she could have tried to make things work. She's falling apart with all the custody stuff. It kills her to be away from her daughter and I know I'll be the same way. So is there anyone who has been through this that wonders if it was worth it? Or is there someone that says it was worth it? There are a lot of other situations out there that is worse then mine. I'm so scared.