[IrishGal]

U shouldnt have to worry about what other situations out there are worse then yours. You and your daughter deserve to be treated better.. I think you should just see a counselor and explain all of this to them.. it may help.. it may not.. but atleast it can help show you whether or not this marriage is worth saving.. you may have to go some tuff times with a divorce.. but itll stop at some point.. it wont be anything compared to the tough times your having to go through now.. you just have to ask yourself what do you really want? whats more important to you?

[emotional]

IrishGal,

I have been to a counselor twice and it didn't help much. She did a few things that did help and explained to me about feelings. Again, she didn't think I should stay, but of course that's my call. I don't know what to do. I guess I keep hoping he'll get tired of me ignoring him that he'll leave, but I don't think that's going to happen. He's hanging on to everything he can because he won't have much if we seperate and he knows that. It tears me apart knowing our daughter will be part of a broken home, that I won't have that 50th anniversary, that I will be titled divorced and single mom. I know I have to make a decision. It's not right to our daughter or him. Everyone deserves to be happy and that won't happen until I make the call. Even though I'm a manager and make decisions all day long, it's hard for me to make decisions in my own life when it comes to this. So so so many people will be affected. Not just the immeadiate family, but I love his family too. I don't want to miss out on watching my niece and nephews grow up. I don't know if they'll let me be apart of their lives. I don't like being the bad guy. Never have. I've always been the one to please everyone, but my own needs, and that's why this is so tough for me. I'm not a selfish person, but this makes me feel selfish. I feel wierd trying to think about my needs. I think that's also why I have a hard time finding my true feelings. I keep listening to my head. Over thinking. I've always done what others wanted and never reallly took time to think if that's what I wanted.

[herbie]

E.....i found myself only reading maybe three of the replies to this thread and quickly wanting to send my reply .Things always seem to work out for the best in these situations example my parents split up when i was 15 years old it was horrible we (six kids and our mother) actually moved about a 15 minute drive away that also sucked .From a childs perspective my parents split we left our home town friends our DAD etc.at the time i thought this is horrible what a life .Why? Im now 45 years old been very happily married for 21 years to the woman i met 9 years earlier in the new town that we had moved to because my parents had broken up.I never would have met her if it wern,t for my family split.I have never once been mad or felt cheated or resented my mothers choice she did what was best for ALL of us .All 6 of us kids live happy productive lives even my father a few years later met a woman he happily married .So my advice to you is if your not happy do whats best for all of you .Leave believe me when i tell you it will work out best in the long run im sure.Something good will come from this you will see ..Good luck to You

[emotional]

Thanks again for all of your comments. I have an appointment to meet with an attorney this week just to go over the process, etc. I'm scared. Really scared. I'm afraid of how he's going to handle it. I'm afraid of hurting him (even though he's hurt me). I don't like hurting anyone's feelings. I don't know how the living situation is going to be. He can't afford the house, and I don't want him to mess up my credit. It'll be messed up enough from a divorce if I go through with this. He'll have no where to go and I don't like that. I'm trying to not worry about him, but he's still our daughters father so I have to make sure she has a safe place to go to see him. He's got auto projects going in the garage and I'm sure he'll want to continue with those. With the market today, there's no telling how long the house will be on the market. I have so many worries, and questions. I know I have to make a decision for our daughter. I hope I will get my answer after talking to the attorney.

[Little]

I haven't carefully read all the replies in this thread ... I've just searched for one word that might help you come to your decision, once I saw that his problem had to do with drugs:
Jail.
It may not be this way everywhere, but where I'm from if there is, say, meth in the house ... everybody inside it is going to jail. If you're visiting Uncle Bobby and they bust his meth lab in the basement, you're behind bars. Whether he's an addict or a supplier and whether he uses/deals in the house or out, you know about it and can probably be charged as an accessory. Your daughter does not want you in jail or both her parents in jail, for that matter ... no daughter does. Removing yourself is removing HER from that situation, and will be beneficial to you both in the long run.
I wish you lots of luck, and I hope that you come to the decision that is best for you. I think that asking a lawyer about the divorce process will be really beneficial to your decision. You might decide to do a trial separation at first, but don't be wooed in by him saying he'll change. Wait for proof. Also, if you choose to divorce, don't let the titles of "divorcee" or "single mom" hurt you ... remember that many divorced single moms were making the best choice for their children when they took those titles on ... be proud instead.

[WildChild]

Consider also that your daughter is learning everyday from what she sees her parents do and say. Do you want her togrow up to tollerate what you are tollerating? If you stay and don't get the problems resolved, she will.
You say your grandmother stayed in a bad marriage, now you are doing it, how will you feel watching your daughter do the same?

[mr.mansview]

i think you know in your heart that leaving is your best option..he's mentally abusing you and at 6 years old your daughter is picking up on that..he is NOT going to change..no doubt he is working and making a decent wage..financially he can look after himself..your main concern is the emotional health of you and your little girl..your husband knows you are emotionally attached to the relationship and the life you have tried to build together and he is using that against you..despite what you read or hear, the husband still has little or no chance of obtaining custody unless he can prove you to be an unfit mother or financially unable to provide for your child

btw the bible does not require that married couples stay together regardless of the circumstances..it condones someone leaving a relationship to persue life with another man/woman (adultry)..

[emotional]

Little - He seems to be clean now. He hasn't smoked pot that I know of since Thanksgiving. I know this because he's in so much pain due to his back and carpotunnell. But know he's taking a lot of pills and I'm afraid he'll get hooked on those. He knows he's messed up and feels bad for it. He has changed, but his attituted hasn't been good because I don't give him the time of day. He's hurt me so much that I'm afraid to open my heart to him again and that makes me feel sad for our daughter. I feel I owe it to her to give him another chance, but I've given him chance after chance and we would always go down the same road. He tells me that he never said he was going to quit. No, he just told me he would eventually quit. Well that was 12 years ago, and then 11 years, 10 years.......etc. I'm so hurt. I have no trust or faith in him anymore. & that hurts me. It hurts me to leave, it hurts to stay. I'm so so torn.

I tried to do a seperation thing. He said he'd stay with his grandma 6 months ago, but then turn around and said that would stress her out to much so he just said he'd spend his time in the garage away from me. Well, he does, and that's the way it's been 90% of the time in the past few years. I come home -he's in the garage, fix dinner - he comes in to eat then back out, then I have our daughter go tell him goodnight, and he doesn't come in till anywhere between 11pm - 2am. Sometimes on weekends, he doesn't even come in. He's up all night. He's done this to his body and I don't feel sorry for him anymore. So, I'm pretty much already and single mom, and I guess you can call that somewhat seperation. We have seperate lives. I like it better when we're apart. When he's around I get down.

I hope I'm making the right decision for our daughter. He is a good father, and she loves him dearly. When I put myself in her shoes, thinking about being away from friends, etc everyother weekend, being away for holidays or other events, living in a broken home, it tears me apart. My parents are still together so it's really hard for me to imagine that. I know I wouldn't have liked it.

[pretzel]

I know there's no easy way, but to be honest being apart doesn't mean you stop being parents. Good parents will still be good parents whether they stay together or not. That's the truth.

Here's a man who seems to me to have no initiative to take care of himself (i.e. rehab for his substance abuse), take responisibility and follow through with things he's promised, or to treat you with the respect and decency that anyone would expect from any other human being. That is just as important to being a good parent as anything. He can dote all he wants when it comes to your child, but can he make the difficult decisions about raising her? Can the two of you continue to be on the same page when it comes to her welfare?

There is a hard reality you have to face and this is purely my opinion (btw, my children's mom and I are divorced) but here is a reality that no one seems to want to realize. THIS IS ALREADY A BROKEN HOME. It matters not whether the two of you are still under one roof a home is more than just a house. It is the relationship between all members of the family. There is no relationship between your husband and yourself. And your daughter is right smack dab in the middle of it.

[WildChild]

What does he do in the garage?