[kscshell]

Hey everyone! I joined this sight to get some much needed advice in this area! Last night I was cleaning in my fiance's closet and found 3 mail order DVD's in his closet. The are the kind that you rent and then send back. They have not been there very long or I would have seen them before. I questioned him about them and he said - Oh I have had them a long time... well we have been together for almost 1 1/2 years.... He tried to play the, "I was single a long time before I met you" and the "All guys look at porn" cards.... but the truth is that he hasn't had them for a long time and they were just recently rented.. So he lied to me about them....
I'm not against porn - it does have it's place in a relationship and if he would have asked me to watch them with him - I probably would not have had much of a problem with them - but to hide them and then right out lie to me about when he rented them ~ really hurts!!! I'm not sure what to do...
Help!!

[cuff]

Watching porn for a guy is normal. We're visually stimulated. It's like a woman reading a romance novel or fantasizing while masturbating. I've been in a relationship for a while and I will occasionally look at porn. It doesn't affect the sexual side of my relationship though. If he is watching it all the time and it's affecting your sex life, I'd worry. Otherwise, just write it off. He's lying about it because he doesn't want to hurt you. Let him know you understand and it would turn you on to watch it with him.

[rcoreyus]

Watching porn is very embarrassing for some men. He lied because he was embarrassed to admit it. Its sort of a Bill Clinton - he did something that was legal but embarrassing. Lied about it in court, thereby committing purgery which is illegal.

If you really aren't bothered by his watching porn - tell him. Tell him you are happy to watch porn with him but you would rather he not watch it alone.

Try to avoid escalating this - it will just result in lots of unhappiness.

Now if the porn bothers you, that is a different issue. (and has been discussed endlessly on these boards). We can discuss that as well if you want.

[stressed]

If you don't mind that he watches porn then tell him so, so he won't have to hide it. If you're happy in your relationship then you shouldn't be bothered by it, both men and women watch porn. Tell him it was the lie that hurt more and not the actual porn. (you can suggest to throw it if he claims he doesn't watch porn at all, then you'll see if it's rented or not).

Only make it a subject if you notice certain unusual patterns in his behaviour, if he's too secretive, if he wants you out of the house often, if your sex life is poor and such. Otherwise, don't think about it too much, it will get you down and it's not worth it if you guys are happy together.

[Pretty Birdie]

He probably lied bc he didn't know how you'd react to it, if you two have never discussed things like that before. I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's pretty normal for guys to watch that stuff. If it's not causing any problems, just let it slide.

[rcoreyus]

Maybe defuse the whole thing. Tell him (half jokingly) you were upset because he watched without you - next time you want to be invited to join the fun. That avoids conflict but lets him know that you don't really like him watching alone.

[kscshell]

Hey Everyone! Thanks so much for your input and advise! I truly appreciate it! We discussed it.... I am still somewhat dissappointed that I had to find it the way that I did and that at first he lied, but I will get over it and move on.... He has canceled the membership and mailed the DVD's back.
I have such trust issues from my last marriage. I hate it - but I bring those issues to this relationship even though I don't think my fiance' would ever cheat on me. It is just hard to get those thoughts out of my mind at times. I'm learning to trust and enjoy a safe relationship.... Life is just too short not too!
Thanks again! I love this website! I'm hooked!

[Alaric]

Maybe you should rethink the relationship. You two seem to have some pretty disparate views on a fairly important subject-physical intimacy.

[Hopeless Dork]

Maybe you should rethink the relationship. You two seem to have some pretty disparate views on a fairly important subject-physical intimacy.

Hmmm... read the OP and don't see where she's discussed any physical intimacy issues at all?

[caterpillar79]

Hey Everyone! Thanks so much for your input and advise! I truly appreciate it! We discussed it.... I am still somewhat dissappointed that I had to find it the way that I did and that at first he lied, but I will get over it and move on.... He has canceled the membership and mailed the DVD's back.
I have such trust issues from my last marriage. I hate it - but I bring those issues to this relationship even though I don't think my fiance' would ever cheat on me. It is just hard to get those thoughts out of my mind at times. I'm learning to trust and enjoy a safe relationship.... Life is just too short not too!
Thanks again! I love this website! I'm hooked!

Welcome to the forum!

Glad you are working on it. In most cases like ours (I am also a divorcee), we bring our old habits to our new life and it causes old stuff to resurface. what I read about how great marriages work is that it can stir up your old wounds but what makes it wonderful is the fact that it has the capacity to heal it - if DEALT with appropriately and promptly.

He might have watched porn before he even met you, but does it matter? You said you don't mind, so you made to right choice, and that is to move on. Now, the real issue is you. Remember that we can never change others but us and how we see things. I also have had my dose of trust issues and once in a while no matter how much I thought I have dealt with it, it still comes to bug me.

Here's what I learned to cope with it.

1. I journal my thoughts and feelings as vividly as I can ---VENT.

2. I have made 3 STOP signals in my mind. These stop signs are 3 things that I love about my loving husband, what he does, and why I love it and how it makes me so happy. Every time that negativity knocks, I tell myself to stop and I visualize one of these 3 feeling-good scenes and I immerse myself on how it feels like, how it tastes like and how it sounds like to live in that happy and loving moment with him.

3. I share out how I feel with him in a non-threatening manner. (I am still working on this one). How? Start by saying "I feel....., and end with "what do you think?" (i.e. "I feel hurt if you don't call me for 3 consecutive nights when we're away from each other....what do you think?") By doing so, you are focusing on your emotions and not blaming him on anything. The likelihood of him shutting down and putting up his defenses would be lowered.

Your man picked you, wants to marry you, meaning, he loves you. And he will learn to cherish you more and more if you can tell him how you feel, what you do not want, and what he thinks about it/how he can help. And because he loves you, he will do his best to make you happy. Remember that.