[kscshell]

Ok... I cannot take this anymore! We have been together for almost 1 1/2 years.. My fiance has always drank and I have never had any problems with it.. Lately though he has been getting drunk when he drinks - like once a week.. and when he gets drunk he is soo mean to me... I can't figure out what is going on! We used to drink together and even if I didn't have much to drink - and he would drink quite a bit he was always still very loving and everything was still great. But lately he is fine until something little - like taking a phone call while he is watching tv... and he blows up! And then it just spirals into a huge fight and I end of leaving.... HELP! WHAT is going on???

[sourpuss]

Postpone wedding plans until you can work this out. You can't change anyone and if he has a drinking problem (which sounds like he does if he can't keep it under control) then it's something he himself has to fix. And that will only happen if he sees a problem with it and wants it to be better.

[Hopeless Dork]

Some people are happy drunkards, some don't change much at all... and some ... alchohol brings out the worst in them... and they are angry drunks. Its very very common and the reason for many o' bar fights.

Some people react differently every time they drink, which is far far more scary as its so unpredictable. If you know your man's an angry drunk and doesn't do it often you can at least make an effort to avoid them while they are drinking and let them know why you are doing so.

That way they can decide if you being near them, or them getting drunk matters more. But if they are happy and loving one drunk day and vile and cruel the next... it leaves you on pins and needles and thats no way to live.

Since they way he behaves when he drinks varies, it might be best to play it safe and avoid him entirely when he drinks. Let him know you will be doing this... that way he has the opportunity to chose not to drink and to set his priorities in a way that is clearly visable to you.

Telling him 'don't drink'... won't work to alter his behavior. No one wants to feel like a kid being told what to do/not to do. But telling him that you have decided that you don't want to be around him when he is overindulging in alchohol, is not telling him what to do, its telling him what you are going to do. Its different.

Explain to him that sometimes when he drinks, it scares you... and that as much as you love him, you can't be around him when he's like that, that you know the way he acts when he drinks isn't respresentive of the man he really is and you'd rather not have to see him that way.

Be sure to have this convo when he is stone sober though. Stick to your guns. He starts to drink, you kiss him on the cheek and excuse yourself for the night. Either he will slow it down or stop it, or he will continue to have to distance himself from you in favor of alchohol.... and if thats what happens... its all the better that you see what his first love is sooner than later... if it is in fact boozing it up.

[grrrr]

Explain to him that sometimes when he drinks, it scares you... and that as much as you love him, you can't be around him when he's like that, that you know the way he acts when he drinks isn't respresentive of the man he really is and you'd rather not have to see him that way.

Be sure to have this convo when he is stone sober though. Stick to your guns. He starts to drink, you kiss him on the cheek and excuse yourself for the night. Either he will slow it down or stop it, or he will continue to have to distance himself from you in favor of alchohol.... and if thats what happens... its all the better that you see what his first love is sooner than later... if it is in fact boozing it up.

That's a really hard situation, but I think that HD has the right attitude about it. If you remove yourself from the situation before it escalates, that's healthier for you.

Also, he does have a drinking problem.... You can't make him stop on his own. And maybe he may have to go into a detox center b/c it can be very dangerous for serious drinkers to stop cold... Trust me, I know first hand.

There's probably a local al anon meeting in your community - it's a group who supports the families of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics. Perhaps they can help you figure the best course of action for you and your fiance.

[Ahryin]

Ok....before I state my opin can you please elaborate....is he violent or just loud?

[kscshell]

Ok....before I state my opin can you please elaborate....is he violent or just loud?

He is not violent... but he calls names and yells.... The names are very hurtful and disrespectful.... Which is soo wierd.. because when he is sober he is the sweetest man and very, very respectful.... it just kills me inside when he turns into this monster....

[Mes T]

So it's not just the drinking, he seems hyper-sensitive all of a sudden, like with the phone call example you mentioned?

Has something happened in his life recently? Something stressful... maybe he's having problems at work, or a loved one died, etc?

It's strange to me that a happy guy would all of a sudden become like this.

It seems there's definitely something going on, and alcohol might not be the sole blame.

Have you asked him why he acts like this? What has he said? He may need some professional help, OR you need to put your foot down and say you will NOT marry him, NOT continue living with him (if you are now), etc, until he FIGURES THIS OUT, because you don't want to be walking on egg shells the rest of your life.

[kscshell]

So it's not just the drinking, he seems hyper-sensitive all of a sudden, like with the phone call example you mentioned?

Has something happened in his life recently? Something stressful... maybe he's having problems at work, or a loved one died, etc?

It's strange to me that a happy guy would all of a sudden become like this.

It seems there's definitely something going on, and alcohol might not be the sole blame.

Have you asked him why he acts like this? What has he said? He may need some professional help, OR you need to put your foot down and say you will NOT marry him, NOT continue living with him (if you are now), etc, until he FIGURES THIS OUT, because you don't want to be walking on egg shells the rest of your life.

Yes something has happened to him... He owns his own business and it is not doing well at all.... In fact he is barely making ends meet. He has always had plenty of money and now things are tight...very tight..... he is trying to decide what to do with his life right now... He is on Serax for anxiety.. which I'm sure is not suppose to be take with alcohol.... He has trouble sleeping.. he is just a wreck right now... I do my best to encourage him and be there for him - but it seems that I am the brunt of his anger when he blows....

[grrrr]

He is not violent... but he calls names and yells.... The names are very hurtful and disrespectful.... Which is soo wierd.. because when he is sober he is the sweetest man and very, very respectful.... it just kills me inside when he turns into this monster....

At least you aren't in physical danger. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Do you have the type of relationship in which you can approach him and talk to him about your concerns and his drinking????

I have to agree with Mes - this does seem like a reaction to something else.... but I still stick with HD in that you should remove yourself from any situation and give space to both of you until you get to the bottom of it all.

[Mes T]

Yes something has happened to him... He owns his own business and it is not doing well at all.... In fact he is barely making ends meet. He has always had plenty of money and now things are tight...very tight..... he is trying to decide what to do with his life right now... He is on Serax for anxiety.. which I'm sure is not suppose to be take with alcohol.... He has trouble sleeping.. he is just a wreck right now... I do my best to encourage him and be there for him - but it seems that I am the brunt of his anger when he blows....

I see. That would bring down the best of us, so what he's going through is totally understandable.

But one way or another, he's got to understand that you are NOT his punching bag and will not tolerate being in a relationship where that is the case.

So these events will eventually blow over and his finances will get straightened out.

And then what? The next crisis comes along (let's face it, there are plenty of them in our lives), and it's back to square one again, taking out his anger on YOU?

He needs a different, healthier outlet. Go jogging. Play a sport. Start a journal/blog. Heck, buy a punching bag.

But YOU cannot be his outlet. If you allow yourself to be, things will only get worse.

So now you've gotta decide how to make him realize this. Any ideas?