[whymewhynow]

I don't know where to start. First, although this is a women's forum, I'm a guy who loves my girlfriend (being together for 4 years now and living together 3) and want to make it work.

I messed up, big time. I went away to work in another country and ended up sleeping with a girl who I did like but I made two major mistakes: 1) slept with her in the first place and 2) not use any protection. I was a total fool...

A few days before I returned home, the girl told me she was pregnant. I was devastated even asked her not to have the baby (something that goes against my personal beliefs). She said she would not do that, that she's going to have it no matter what. I was so concerned about my relationship back home, which I loved and could say that it was almost a perfect relationship.

As I returned, I was not the same. After having a major argument with my girl, I couldn't hide it no more. It was eating me alive. When I told her, you can only imagine how she got. She began crying and threw herself in the floor, as if someone she loved just passed away. She spent hours crying and then eventually asked me details about it. I told her the story...sort of... I was drinking and didn't recall much of what happened. She began to say that I should deny that baby by all means and until it is born and a DNA is done, I would not be responsible. Problem #2 is that the girl is a minor and although it is legal for an adult to get married with a minor (with the parents' consent), and the mother of the girl has said that the right thing for me to do is marry their daughter. If I don't do this, there's a risk that the parents could file a criminal complaint and have me arrested or who knows.

I don't know what to do. I love my girl. I really do. What I did deserves no mercy,,, I know.... my girl has been wanting a baby from me for some time now and i always tell her that we need to wait a little (what a mistake now). It would have been our first baby for both of us and our first wedding... and while I was in the other country working, I already had planned to come back, get a job, ask her to marry me and have a baby for next year. I really was....

Please help me. She's also confused and don't know what to do. Whether to let me go, not talk to me, ask me to leave the house, etc.

Someone please help. i really want this relationship to work.

[sourpuss]

Why did you sleep with this other girl? There has to be something lacking in the relationship, or in you for you to do that I would assume. Just my personal belief, but if you love someone like you say you love your girlfriend then the idea of sleeping with someone else, even if there's alcohol involved, isn't even an option that crosses ones mind.
I think you really need to ask yourself if in fact you do love her or if that's just a story you tell yourself.

All that aside, you're in quite a pickle whether she decides to stay or go. Many men and women don't want to have kids when there's a pregnancy, many leave, both moms and dads. You could do that and risk the legal ramifications. You didn't say what country you live in or what country the girl lives in, so I don't know how serious that would be. You could take financial responsibility and ask not to be involved. You could take financial responsibility and demand visitation. In my opinion, given that you're in different countries, visitation would be too inconsistent to be a benefit to the child.

Or finally, you could suck it up, take responsibility by marrying this girl and allow everyone to get on with their lives. It sounds like your girlfriend doesn't want to leave but you need to think about how you would be dragging her into this situation once the baby is born.

How old are you? How old is the girl? How old is your girlfriend? And what countries do you all live in?

[pretzel]

Aside from what sourpuss said,

Your gf is right on one thing, insist on the DNA test. Might be a formality, but at least be sure.

Aside from that, decisions going forward are less and less of your making.

And restating the obvious isn't going to make it any better or go away.

After she calms down and can talk in a less stressed manner, discuss what she wants to do, not so much what you can do. She has to react to this and if she decides to stay in the relationship, this is going to be an elephant on your back forever. That's alot for someone to have to bear and be a part of willingly.

[LanaBear]

To say you made a mistake is an understatement.

What was missing in your relationship to cause you to cheat on your long term girlfriend? Not only to cheat on her but to put your both at risk by having unprotected sex, with a minor no less?

Not only are there moral issues at hand, but apparently legal ones too. I'll bet she's confused, the man she loved, the man she has been wanting to have a baby with, just ruined everything for her by getting someone else pregnant when you've been telling her no. That's severely screwed up. She no longer gets those firsts, with you, you have deprived her of being able to give you your first child.

Maybe some people would be able to get past it, but I wouldn't. Where will she every be able to trust you? Commitment obviously means nothing.

You need to get a handle on the legal issues first and foremost. She may do well with asking you to leave, making a life decision without the cause of her problems around.

[sourpuss]

The more I think about it, I think you should just leave and deal with it on your own. Leave her to grieve losing the relationship and move on to a better life with better people. She doesn't deserve this situation and she will find someone who is a better fit. If you really love her, you'll set your feelings aside and allow her to live a happy life without all this.

[KMonte85]

#1 - you should speak with a lawyer about your situation. You've not only possibly impregnanted someone from another country, but she is also under age. Talk with the lawyer about what legal issues are involved and what you can do. Depending on what your attorney tells you, you may need to get back into contact with the minor girl and figure out what you're going to do about her pregnancy. Does she want you to be in the child's life? Do you? Her mother may think you should marry the girl, but that might not be in her best interest. You need to speak with her, and you will need to insist on a paternity test before you make any permanent decisions.


#2 - you have to be more considerate of what your girlfriend is going through right now. There is nothing you can "do" to make her feel better. You did something horrible (to me, unforgivable and a dealbreaker), and she is JUST learning of this and trying to process the fact that the future she had planned with you is no more. You've known about it since you did it, this is quite new and heartbreaking to her. You may do well to get out of the house, give her some space, allow her to heal. Sit down with her when you're both more calmed down, and suggest it to her - see how she reacts.

[Hopeless Dork]

I am going to be up front with the fact that I am having the hardest time conjuring up sympathy for your situation in any capacity except for your girlfriend and the minor girl you impregnated.. but I will try my hardest.

In life we all have choices, none of us is perfect.. and should not throw stones... but having an affair is already pushing the bounderies of whats forgivable, having an affair with a minor... again, I think ... that even makes it all that much harder to swallow and then... impregnating the minor... well now you have built a situation that any girl in her right mind - in love with you with all her heart or not ... is going to have a hard time getting past.

You now face having to either marry this girl or face criminal charges -- what in the world would you expect your gf to hope that you do ... neither is a win win. You're either going to marry someone else , or quite possibly be a convicted sex offender with a monthly child support payment do as well.

You have to keep living your life and to try to learn from your mistakes... but I do think you may have sacraficed your relationship in the process. I suppose your best bet is to seek an attorney and find out what you can or can't be charged with if you decide not to marry this girl... and then make your decision based on what you think you are capable of handeling going forward.

To be a good human, it would be kind of you to drill into your girlfriends head how none of this is her fault... as you have probably left her with trust issues and heartbreak she's going to carry for some time. As angry as she may become at you, the worst thing for her is to internalize this, you've already devistated her... the least you can do is try to rescue her dignity and self esteem.

I'd suggest counseling for yourself, as this has got to have your head reeling and spinning. I am sure you are scared and full of regrets... but you can't go back and change a thing. Whats done is done. You can only try to pick up the peices and decide how you will live your life going forward.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum.

If you were a woman on this Forum the first question that would be asked is "why" did you cheat? What was missing in your relationship, are you really in love? Or, are you just used to being with this person....So let me ask you why did you cheat?

Is it because you were away, thought you could get away with it. Young, and been with your SO for 4 years and feel that you haven't experienced "fun" enough to settle down so took the risk?

Then there's the alcohol. You can blame that, people do. But, the thought comes into your mind of cheating, before your totalled, it's when your starting to get merry.. So, that poses the question of where were you, in order to get drunk and meet an under age girl? And, were you aware that she was under age at that time?

These are questions your lady will be asking herself, trying to make sense of it all... Trying to see if it ads up.

And, if you knew she was underage... what posessed you to take such a risk in that area alone?

You cheated... She has a right to decide if she can trust you or not from here on.. And, the only way that she can ascertain that is to know the whole facts. I think you told her a "story" of sorts... I was drunk... If she's your life, then you have to be honest and tell her really why you cheated.... perhaps, you do love her but perhaps, marriage does scare you, that forever and if you were married, that's how you view marriage but thought before marriage, a skeleton in the closet would be okay as an example, only you know.

The fact that there is a baby, is very difficult for a woman to accept. We forgive not forget, but a baby is there for life, so it makes it harder, very hard...

I don't know your answer with regards to the child having a child and her parents insistance on marriage, or they may lay criminal charges.

All, I can say is that you should irrespective, let them know un-conditionally that you will support your child financially, if it is yours and be a man in that department... Maybe that may be enough for them to back off... I don't know.

But, why did they, her parents allow her to be somewhere where people were drinking and alone for enough time, that you were able to sleep with her, if she's underage?

That's a question I would like to know.

CW

[Mes T]

Reading the first post and subsequent replies, this story seems a bit too TV-drama to be real? I honestly thought this was a troll?

In case it's for real, I have a question - do you know for SURE that this girl is pregnant? Do you think she'd lie to you? And how does she have your contact information?

[healthyrelationship10]

I would like to know when did you sleep with her and how soon after did she tell you she was with child cause like Mes_T says how do you know for sure she is pregnant and if it is yours, if this child is at a party where there is drinking how do you know she was not already pregnant when you slept with her and because you are from some other country she is putting the blame on you? If I was you I would get some legal advice and pray PRAY A LOT!