[Crystalblue]

Forget any thoughts of you over reacting! He has already crossed the line. You can let yourself be angry. Don't make excuses for him! I know part of me being angry for you is because of what I went through with my husband, but this is not going to end well if it continues. It's hard to see a situation for what it is when you trust the person doing this, but it feels wrong because it is wrong. He's building a bond with this woman. You need to tell him what you're feeling and what is at stake. Your time with him should not be shared with anyone. You deserve to be treated like his everything, not viewed as the woman who will always be there for him to fall back to if other relationships don't pan out.

[elenor19]

Thank you so much for the reply. I am really hurt because of the dishonesty involved here, esp. from a man who puts open communication and honesty above all things! Also, at this point, it is not about the woman, but him. One thing I gathered while perusing the chats is that for last few months the woman says she has something to talk to him, but it has to be face to face. My husband is 90% of the time on travel. Those rare weekday when he is in town, he is doing his sudden rushing off to office based on her sms, and the face to face meeting still seems to be pending!
I am certainly going to have a talk with him when he gets back in town. Drastic steps as separating I am unwilling to consider, since that will seriously disrupt the lives of our two children, but this strange subterfuge/undercurrent is creating mental havoc for me. In all ways, we seem to have a very healthy relationship, and he keeps telling me how I am his everything and he needs me always, then why the need for this?

[Crystalblue]

My relationship with my husband seemed fine at the time. We joked with each other, didn't argue, had sex often... I'm not trying to say your situation is the same, just that you don't always see it coming. It's so easy to drift apart and not realize it till something blows up in your face.

It almost seems like he's using honesty to try and cover up what's going on, like if he tells you, you're expected to think it's harmless.

I remember, vaguely, a conversation my husband brought up about cyber sex. He said something about someone online getting into trouble with his girlfriend about it, and recalling it, it made me wonder if he was using that to test the waters about how I felt about it. This was awhile before I found out he had multiple online relationships with people he knew, one that came into town a couple times a year and he would hang out with. I remember telling him I didn't understand the point of cyber sex, especially if it was causing relationship problems, but I didn't act like it was a big deal. What do I care if some other dude is getting off online? What I didn't realize is that could've been his way of dancing around it to ask permission. A sort of "well you said it was no big deal" type of thinking. Hindsight is 20/20 though. I just mention it because it might be something to think about. If he is telling you something that makes you uncomfortable, it's better to tell him straight up how it makes you feel, instead of hiding the insecurity because he was so honest with you.

The tough part is trying to find if you're being rational about you're insecurities or not. From your post, yes, I would be furious, and from my experience, it gets harder once the trust has been broken. It's hard to be ok with situations that would have been pretty normal in the past. I would be fine with my husband going out to meet friends without me, even if they were female. Now, no way! I new trust was important, but never knew how mental I would be without it.

I'm sorry you're going through this because I wouldn't wish the feelings on my worst enemy. What helped me the most, besides joining this forum of course, was writing everything out. The mental torment was horrible for me. Putting it on paper helped me organize my thoughts so I could tell my husband exactly how I was feeling and why. It helped me find solutions once I could think clearer.

Talking with your husband is going to be key for making any decisions. It helps to keep things calm if you can, so you can be clear about what is wrong, how you feel, and what will happen if it doesn't change. This is even more important because you have kids. You said you wouldn't want to disrupt their lives, but seeing their parents in an unhappy marriage would be more damaging, IMO. If your husband thinks you will accept his behavior, you'll turn yourself into his door mat! I'm not saying you should leave him, but I am saying you should not settle for being treated like this. You are worth more and deserve a relationship of love and respect.

[elenor19]

Thanks Crystalblue. In fact what makes it so confusing is that my situation is just like yours was. "We joked with each other, didn't argue, had sex often..." He repeatedly thanks me for being in his life, how much I mean to him, etc. Does say a lot too that -- I am too negative minded (glass half empty kind...) and need to start being more positive.-- I am trying to be positive, cheerful, etc. but with this constantly on my mind, it gets hard. I am not the prying kind, and it is already weighing on me that I sneaked into his skype. Not sure what prompted me to do that suddenly??
You are right, getting it out helps a lot, though I am still not looking forward to the talk we have to have when he is back. I know one of his answers already, she is just someone he "cares deeply about" (said it to her several times in the chats over last few months) and is trying to be there for her in her personal difficulties. Even if I am to blindly accept that, why the secrecy? Why not just tell me that he is going to meet up with her? I have never had problems with him going out on his own...

[Crystalblue]

How long do you have to wait until you can talk to him? That would kill me having to just sit on everything until he was back. Make sure you're taking care of yourself. I had a bad loss of appetite when I first found out what my husband had been up to. Do everything you can to make sure you're taking care of yourself, mentally and physically. If you can, get out and excersize, take a walk or a jog. Try to make plans with friends. Have a day to go out and have fun with your kids.

It's so easy for stuff like this to drag you down, but you don't have to punish yourself. You didn't do anything to deserve this. Give yourself time to feel how you feel, but take time to do things you enjoy too.

[jns]

Let me mention that I have no cause to complain of my physical and emotional relationship with my husband. Our two sons are his world. He tells me everyday how much I mean to him.

elenor, I went through the other posts and I may have missed something. You say you are satisfied with your physical relationship with your husband. Is he satisfied with his physical relationship with you? Specifically, does he want to have sex with you quite often when you are together, but he doesn't get it? Mismatched sex drives could drive his fantasy world. Could you describe the sex life you two have? I know he is out of town a lot and that makes the relationship act like a LDR in some aspects.

[elenor19]

Thanks for your post jns. To be honest, I do believe he is satisfied with our physical relationship. In fact, in last couple of years it is better than ever before. I know that my husband likes attention, and he knows I am willing to let him be. Women in general really like him due to his gentle flattery, soft-spoken, understanding and gentle demeanor. He is in close touch with his ex gf (after 20+ years) thanks to her fb request. Now they are "best of pals" and have long fb chats often. But when he starts thanking her for being part of his wonderful yesterdays, ("and what wonderful ones they were") and hope to continue similar future friendship, it makes me a bit jittery. At least it is all out in open. Then he also has this OW! Will he ever stop making it look like my "negative-thinking?" He is the one writing to her about her "sweet company", "thinking of you", "care very deeply about you", those occasional rides to office together become "special days" where she is "doing him a favor"! I really fail to see where my being negative comes here? He does not know I have seen all of this recent communication, but when I brought this up a year ago, he said it was my imagination. It was just two friends talking!

[wendilee]

elenor i dont even know what to say.
i can understand caring about someone that you have been friends with for a long time.. but to care that deeply for someone you find attractive? weird. im confused about that. it seems that because she is "the most elegant woman" that makes her friend worthy? and he has deep feelings for her? y? i am so confused about all of it....it seems to me that he uses his honesty to make his emotional affairs ok. thats . its not ok to deeply care about someone you've only known for a short while, not when your married. and it would be a little different if she was a family friend, but she isnt. and he has secret meetings with her? and you say if he told you that is what he is doing you would be ok with that? no no no....he should not have that deep of a relationship with anyother woman, except ma b his mother...he has you, you should be the one he runs home to, you should be the one he skypes with when he is away.
you should be the one, the only one, that he says "those" things to.
its great that he is honest, but he is wrong. put your foot down, if you are the most important person to him, and he loves and cares for you the way he says he does, then he will have no problem not talking to that woman in an unprofessional way.
dont accept less than you deserve!!!

[Crystalblue]

Beware of anything that includes the word "just"! "Just friends" usually implies a cover up of real feelings involved. For him to turn this around on you being negative, is a pretty typical sign of what's really going on. I'm really worried for you that if he thinks he can talk you down into feeling like you're overreacting, he's going to play this out till even more damage has been done. He might even be trying to convince himself that it's nothing, but if that's the case, why can't he just stop communicating that way with other women? Doing this face to face is ideal and the best way, but if over the phone is all you have, I would get it all out now and lay it on the line for him.

If you've read through the other threads about cheating, you'll see there is a pattern of making the SO feel like they are blowing things out of proportion. The reason for it doesn't really matter I guess, but I wonder if it's to buy time to play things out, or if it's to convince themselves they can handle the situation. Either way, y'all are on thin ice!

[elenor19]

Just some thoughts. While I am waiting for the "talk" on the weekend, I had a conversation with a very good friend of ours. He knows us both for very well and he is a Councillor. I at least have little more clarity in mind re. the talk with my husband. My friend confided in me that the one time I had threatened to walk out and did so for a few hours, my husband had called this same friend in absolute panic and then begged me to come back. He feels that I am quite on the right path and my husband will wake up when things are put to him in balck and white. I feel lot calmer and feel that I can have the talk calmly and rationally. Wish me luck!