[CHANDLERS WISH]

elenor I swear I replied to this? Anyway, I came back to see how you were and your thoughts..

I think sometimes when things are good and you give someone an inch, they think they can take a yard..

It's possible because you "trust" him that by allowing him to be free he's taken advantage of that?

I think your Councillor friend is correct, he thinks he can get away with it, does the "blame game" you are negative, when in reality he had/has a fantasy and wants to live it out, if only he could have you and nurture her, be there for her too, he loves you I don't think that he doesn't but he has become side tracked in a world of fantasy, and she is coming around to it, you have to put a stop to this, he talked about her living with you both, this is dangerous thinking we all know what happens from there and the way in which he speaks to her? Is working towards a physical relationship probably hasn't happened because he loves you..

But he can not live in a fantasy world, have the batchelor days and the marriage

And he can not use the "blame game" that's a way out of himself feeling guilt, phew I feel better know she won't realise.

NO..You do realise good for you, you are going in the right directions...Luck is wished.

[jns]

Good luck elenor.

[elenor19]

Thank you all. Unfortunately this just gets "better and better"...A bit of background...couple of years ago he got sought after by a large MNC and is now a fairly high level executive...with even better prospects in future. He has lost lot of weight, does regular gym and now looks younger and fitter than ever before. I feel all this has gotten into his head. He knows that the faithful wife (who he does love) is always there for him no matter what, but he will get his adrenaline kicks elsewhere (not necessarily physical). Last night he himself mentioned in the 3 minute online chat we had since he was too busy with work and has no time to call or have long chats, that he has been chatting with his ex-gf (he is open with me about this friendship, while the woman in office is a secret!). I deliberately took a peek into this, a 90 minute chat. He was telling his ex-gf that "whole evening he has been thinking about her, and has been yearning to share large developments at his work with her. Now he looked at this chat of there as his good-luck charm for his next days big meetings; that he loved her more than ever, and he has come to adore her children the same way that she does". And if she came to visit, it would make his day.
Now, I am practically keeping my bags packed to walk out after the conversation with him. Our Councillor friend said he was sure my husband won't be stupid enough to throw off everything, but it is beginning to look to me like in his professional high state, he is ready to be stupid. I feel heartsick, and I sat and cried and cried, but I guess I may be looking at the end...after 21 years...

[Crystalblue]

He needs to know you're keeping your bags packed. It's good to know you respect yourself enough not to tolerate being taken advantage of, but he needs to know you have that self respect. He needs to know what his actions are putting at risk, and he needs to know that this as serious as a heart attack, not something that he can talk his way out of or that can be compromised on.

Have you had a chance to talk? How did it go?

[oxy-moron]

Your relationship sounds very hawk and dove. He plays the Hawk and knows that you will be a forgiving accommodating dove. He will get his way most of the time and knows that plying the hawk will pay off for him.
Try turning the tables on him- Tell him that you have become envious of his new love so are going to the Ashley Madison website to get yourself a lover like he has.
See how he reacts to this.
You can play him at his own game- I know this sounds a bit creepy and alien to your way of thinking but playing the dove for the last year has seen your position erode.
If you show a hawkish side it may shock him into a dove state off his own.
Good luck

[elenor19]

I did get to sit down and talk to him when he was home for a day and a half on the weekend. It went quite well actually. He admitted to everything and we actually went over his various online chats, sms etc. The positives here are that I do know all his passwords and he is always fully aware that I can check on anything anytime. He also admitted that many of these online chats happened in in late evenings, after he had a glass too many. He admitted that some of the things he said were out of line. He admits that he used to have feelings towards the women in his office but insists that he no longer feels that way. He told me a few things that make me feel that he is past the EA feeling but not fully over her, still has confused feelings. He feels that the woman has something she wants to tell him and he is curious to know what it is to reach a full closure. I know that matters never have had a chance (logistically) to go beyond EA and brief meetings in office coupled with large quantities of online chats.

He wants us to keep open dialog re. this and anything else even when he is travelling. I insisted that he had to completely stop any communication with this women since there is no logical reason for them to communicate. They no longer work together and they are not long time friends. It was an ultimatum of me or her, and no other middle option! He agreed to have no further communication whatsoever. I hope for no further dramas like this! Thanks so much for listening and helping me get through this.

[elenor19]

BTW, re. the ex gf, I told him I had no problems with him having women friends, but he meant it as a conversation between two close friends, he had to understand what he is writing and how it would impact others. The one reason I was comparatively less upset about gf was because he is quite open about the friendship and she is friends with me too (whereas the other one is keeping her friendship limited to my husband and I never enter the picture, though we have met several times during various office events). Also, the ex-gf is half a world away, happily married with kids. So I really hope that in that last conversation with her, it was the alcohol speaking! My main concern is with the OW in the office.