[kaz83]

I am nearly 1 year into our relationship and got engaged in December 2009, 2 weeks ago I checked his e-mails and found he was sending naked pics of his private parts to girls and sending really dirty messages, I also searched his e-mail addresses and found he was on about 10 different dating/chat/webcam/porn sites. He joined some 2 weeks before he asked me to marry him, some after and some 2 months ago.
He said it's like it's not real online, he get's an ego boost, he can be someone else online. He said it was a habit he couldn't kick as he had been doing it for years and had been single for a long time before he met me.
I took my engagement ring off!
I said it made me feel like I wasn't pleasuring him, or he didn't find me attractive.

He said It has stopped now because he doesn't want to lose me but I just don't know if I can trust him.

I love him so much.

[Hopeless Dork]

Sweetie , I am sorry you are upset... and what I am about to say likely won't make you feel much better. The chances of him stopping something he enjoys, see's nothing wrong with and doesn't feel is cheating you are pretty slim. The chances of him instead going out of his way to hide this behavior from you to avoid confrontation in the future is high.

The fact he was able to do this all even 2 weeks before asking you to marry him shows he's able to seperate (in his mind) this from you and see's it seperate , doesn't imagine why you should concern yourself with it. But I do. I understand why it hurts you -- even if its 'only' fantasy and 'only' online... and that you are what he wants in real life... none of that makes a girl feel any better when she's hurt by this behavior.

There is a good chance that this may be an ever present force in your relationship with this man, a good chance of that, actually. Even if he stops for a time, he'll default to it, he'll forget to hide sometimes and you'll discover and fight and he'll swear to stop and lather rinse repeat. Its generally the nature of what happens when a guy is in this deep with online sex stuff.

If it means anything, he likely doesn't prefer it to you -- he just see's it seperate from you, and is probably hard-pressed to even fathom why it would bother you as he has no point of reference of which to compare it to. He probably can't imagine you being interested in something similiar so he just can't put the shoe on the other foot and see it from your eyes. Also he would probably admit to not minding if you wanted to look at porn etc...

But my guess is he'd have a huge problem with you wanting to sending out naughty pics of yourself to random men online, to engage them in fantasy talk etc... he would probably react very strongly againt that idea.

At this point you have to weigh the pro's VS con's of this relationship without factoring in this habit. If you didn't see what you did , would you think anything is wrong in your relationship? Is he affectionate and sexual enough for you? Do you get as much sex from him on a routine basis as you desire? Do you ever feel disrepected by him or does he always make you feel special?

If your relationship had problems before you saw all this... then you can see this may be a contributing factor to your problems, if he can see that too... he may at least alter his behavior so that he can be what you need and focus a little less on his self time.

But if your relationship had NO problems and your needs were being met, you are going to have a hard sell as to why he shouldn't do something he likes... when it has no impact other than 'making you feel bad'.

Granted, as a woman... if I knew something made my man feel bad I'd stop it, no doubt. But we are emotional creatures by nature and interconnect things differently than most men do. So while in a perfect world, something hurting your feelings would be enough to make someone change a behavior... it generally isn't.

People won't stop doing something they don't see a problem with until they do. And even then can remain in denial of the problem it could potentially be causing if its an enjoyable enough thing they don't want to let go of.

Its like as if you were skinny and your husband feared you'd get fat so he didn't want you eating cookies... "just in case" but you've been eating cookies since before you met him, and all the while you were with him and never gained a pound! But now he's found your cookie stash and says , no more... you might get fat! Well... you might say okay, if you really don't want me to I'll stop. But when you want a cookie, you'll have that cookie... because you believe in your heart that cookies never caused a problem before and won't now, and think he's being silly.

Will you tell him when you have the cookies? probably not. If he finds the cookie crumbs in the bed, he may be upset and you'll talk him down... lather rinse repeat. People do what they want, and people don't change a behavior unless they see a need to change it, themselves.

[kaz83]

wow, thanks for that.
He is the most loving, affectionate, passionate person I have ever met, if he had his way we would be in bed 24/7!
I asked him what he would do if it was the other way around..He said he would go mad and proably finish with me, which is what I said I would do but couldn't find it in my heart to finish with him!

He has asked me to put a reporting thing on his laptop and it send's a report of 'dodgy' site's every 2 weeks, he wants to stop and know's if I get a single report back then i'm gone!

I am just so confussed!

[sungoddesschelsy]

To me that right there is enough to say he is sorry and knows it really hurts you. Now you will truely see how much he does not want to hurt your relationship.

[zalhadab]

if I am at the same case I won't forgive him because he is sick person. he did it after ask you to marry him and didn't car about your feeling. sham on him.

[kaz83]

I did feel sick when I found out, I still do when I think about it
He said it should of stayed in his past and as soon as he realised I was the one he should of deleted the sites, we have gone through and deleted them all together.

I have to give him a chance to prove I can trust him don't i?

[sungoddesschelsy]

what would you want him to do if it was reversed?

[kaz83]

If I had done this?
I would want him to let me prove it has all finished, it's in the past now but know if it ever happened again then that is it.

I just love him so much but I feel like i don't know him anymore

[sungoddesschelsy]

I would give him the chance to prove he is being loyal, after that is stable other things should fall back into place.

[kaz83]

Thanks for everyone's help and advice
I have to try and make this work, he is being completely open with and knows if I get a report then it's over, I can't picture my life without him, at least i found out before we got married!
If anyone else has any tips to help me get over this i.e physical, mental etc then please let me know