[PandaPaws]

Ugh. I guess I'm hoping that he has learned from all this. Obviously it has put a HUGE strain on our relationship, and I can see that he really loves me and is trying to make it work. I just fear for the future. I don't know... I appreciate your insight, I just wish that someone would be able to tell me "everything will be okay, he's learned his lesson and will never do that to you again" eventhough, obviously, I know no one can. I need a crystal ball! I just wish he would be able to convince me of this somehow. :/

[Allie602]

You know what to do, your intuition is right stop ignoring it. You may love him but you may have to walk away anyway to avoid an extremely bad time with this man. I think you are right you don't know him. You really don't know what else he is hiding. What he did was deceptive an apology does not quite do it. His explanation was rather weak. Another concern is that he wants sex allot, suppose you have periods like pregnancy do you think he will be able to stop having sex or will he cheat to get it? What will happen when he has you in a position where you are dependent on him and he can do as he pleases, knowing you can't leave?

He really sounds like he has a big problem with sex he may be addicted to it. Are you sure he is not cheating now? He is basically a person who is capable of duplicity and he only stopped because you found out.

Follow your mind it leading you in the right direction. Let this man sort out his problems alone, losing you may spur him to get help so you are giving him a gift by leaving him. Don't let him talk you into staying. You will be happy you did after the initial period of pain and glad you left this situation when you meet someone who is capable of returning your love.

[kaz83]

Hi All,

I have been keeping up to date on my post and just wanted to give you all an update.

We have spent a few days together and a few days apart and it has been REALLY hard when we are apart.

He is doing everything possible to get my trust back and make me feel happier, we have even changed his room around!

I am going to give this a go, I love him and know he loves me, I let him put my engagement ring back on and we had an amazing night (that should give him some good things to think about when we are apart he he)

I will see if I get anything back from the report and it's a very nervous time!

Good Luck Pandapaws - am here if you want a chat

Thanks for all everyone's help, support, input, suggestions

[kaz83]

Well, i had hoped not to be back on here so soon!
Last week he actually joined a 'second life' virtual world thing! He was flirting with people until 5AM!
I asked him about it and he said he didn't think he had done anything wrong and also that he hoped i wouldn't find out.
This bothers me more than the porn, there is someone on the other end!
He said he now knows that this hurts me too and he wont talk to anyone online
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, can i trust him?

[PandaPaws]

Oh my gosh. HUGS to you! This is really not okay... he is finding other ways to continue what he was doing before. I don't know how he can think he wasn't doing anything wrong, and then, so much for being open and honest about everything because he flat out said he hoped you wouldn't find out. There should be NO secrets - there is no room for any after what happened before.
I don't know, this, to me, shows that he is not ready to get rid of this other life for you. If he really wanted to, there would have been immediate change and he wouldn't have gone back, because he loves YOU and wouldn't want to jeopardize your relationship further. He should have learned from this.

You asked how I was doing by VM - we're actually doing good. He has had no relapses and says he doesn't even think about that stuff anymore, and he feels more at ease with me now since there is nothing to hide. We've been reading a chapter each day we see each other in "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, In Love" and it's been good to be able to talk about stuff. We have a long way to go in the book (there are 100 chapters! But like 2 or 3 pages long each), but I really think it will help us, and I'm happy he is doing that for me

I am really, really, sorry to hear that this is continuing in your life for you. Where did you leave it at? Is he deleting this account, and who was the girl he sent a message to??

i hate to say it, but no, i don't think you can trust this guy, and I would NOT go through with the marriage, at least just yet. I'm not sure HOW he can show you he's trustworthy at this point. I think giving him a second chance is one thing, but a THIRD?? He shouldn't have needed a second chance in the first place, but I just don't think a third chance is deserved.

Best of luck to you sweetie.

[kaz83]

Thanks Pandapaws, I just can't picture my life without him!
He said he was expecting me to finish with him after i questioned him about it and i know i should of but i just couldn't! He said he knows this is it now and he is so lucky i am still with him but knows ANYTHING else and i am gone, he said that before i got the chance.
We are apart again until next Friday which is so hard and he had promised he wont go on internet at all (we do talk on MSN in the evening though)
He hasn't deleted account but i have joined and sent a few messages and flirts, i know i shouldn't try and catch him out it was an automoatic reaction!
We'll see how things go, it's our year together on 29th August!

[PandaPaws]

Ok, but didn't you guys discuss last time, something along of the lines of "this must never, ever happen again, or that's it?" And now you're taking him back again? I know you say you can't imagine your life without him, but you need to try, just to make it a possible reality for you AND him to see. I'm not saying you have to break up with him necessarily, but you really need to think about it, and make sure he knows it too. Because, at this point, he sees that you'll just take him back each time, as long as he says "this is it, no more."

I seriously almost DID break up with my bf. Cried all day about it, but before just DOING it, I talked to him, and he opened up to me about things he has never told anyone and were really deep in his heart, big insecurities, and he was really sincere, and he was just so open and vulnerable and said how much he loved us and our relationship and how much he wanted it to work, etc., that I didn't end up breaking up with him, because he finally really opened up to me and explained why it would never happen again. But I really almost did, and he knows that. He knows too that if ANYTHING else shady comes up, that's it, because really, this trust that we are currently TRYING to build cannot take any interference. It's hard enough as it is.

I KNOW it is SO much easier for me to say than to do, but I really don't think you should let your fiance off the hook so easily this time.

I really do wish you the best, and wish so much that he would just treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Keep me posted on how you're doing. I really do care.

[kaz83]

That's the thing, we had the long, deep, completely open discussion and he told me everything!
I don't think he know the bounderies of a relationship, he hasn't had a serious relationship before and when i told him that he can't flirt online, he really did say "Oh ok, if it hurts you then i won't do it anymore!"
When we are together he brings it up now rather than me, asking if I am OK, that he only wants me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc
I think i have to give it one more go, i know i probably shouldn't as I and my family can't take anymore and it's really effected my family (His family are still living in unaware bliss!)
Thanks again and good luck with your BF

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He said it's like it's not real online, he get's an ego boost, he can be someone else online. He said it was a habit he couldn't kick as he had been doing it for years and had been single for a long time before he met me

Quoted from your first posting..

Then you established he was doing it again, but on a different site...

He told you the truth, he can't help it, he's used to it, but ego boost? Well, he doesn't need that anymore though does he, you tell him he's hot, good looking, etc don't you?

That's how you see it, that he is still wanting that ego boost and that is how you let him know why it's hurting you, your not insecure, rather, marriage is serious or should be a serious thing.

The other thing, with marriage, comes another thing, keeping things between the two of you.. I know you want to scream and shout it to the world and well, here we are, a place you can do that. But there comes a time when sharing things with "family" pertaining to your relationship should stop... It should be between just the two of you, and discussions with perhaps an outsider, the reason I say this, is as the years go by you'll wish certain things were'nt said to "family" as you both grow and as they still hold things against him, for things stated, if that makes sense.

Bottom line is, he is wrong to go against something you do not like, but it's all he knew as he never had anyone serious in his life and the internet was something that allowed him to still feel attractive, wanted.. Now he has to realise that he is wanted, loved, attractive and that is reserved for single people.

He can't make broken promises, make you think it's stopped, then start again, even in a different light, because how can you possibly gain trust? Or believe in him?

CW

[kaz83]

OK, as i said this is his only serious relationship and i am happy to lay down what is right and what is wrong, he now know's what is wrong and wants to change, I know you all seem to think i should leave him but i needed to get it off my chest, people who aren't close to me.
My family knew because i live with them and knew something was wrong with me and i don't lie and am very close to them!
I will not be posting again, Chandlers Wish, thanks but i don't see how that was advise!