[raindropsugarcane]

Okay, I would never stay with someone who does something like this. You were barely married and he cheated off the get go. If I were in this situation I would be rid of him. You deserve better. Honestly, you do. I am sorry that you are going through this. Do what will make you happy. In the end, you are the only person who can make you happy.

[Hopeless Dork]

Broken,

You are not pathetic. You are human and you love this man. Breaking things off with him doesn't just punish him, it punishes you too... you would lose the man you love, you would have to endure the heartache of that feeling off loss, the sleepless nights, the sick feelings in the gut, the missing him... thats not a sentence one easily wants to give to themselves, especially when they think this is the person that will bring more good to their life than bad.

But what you need to figure out is if all those feelings you'd experience in a break up, the heatache etc... are happening just being with this man after what he's done. You have to be rational and determain if he's going to keep on hurting you in the future... because while a break up hurts, the pain ends...wounds heal... and a new love that would never hurt you could be found. But staying to delay the finality of a break up, while having to endure being hurt.. is much worse because that pain never goes away, it just keeps rearing its ugly head again, time and time again.

Rcorey said it and its true, you need to understand WHY he did it, he needs to understand why he did it and be able to explain it to himself and you... because "i don't know what I was thinking"... isn't something that he can work on to ensure it doesn't happen again. If you can know WHY he did it, you will be able to assess the risk of it happening again.

[Broken177]

I have never posted anything online before and I just wanted to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart to the people who took the time to reply. It has helped immensely. Luckily I have great friends that are being there for me, but only one knows he got the other girl pregnant. I don't know if I'm ready for them to hate him too. You have all given me things to think about that I had not considered before. Thank you, thank you so much. I welcome anymore advice anyone else has and thank you for not telling me how stupid I am to consider staying with him and still loving him. I feel understood.

[LanaBear]

You are understood and please use us to vent and let us know how you are coping and coming along.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I kept telling him, "if you acted like you loved me, told me you loved me (not just when we were saying goodbye or texting or saying goodnight) and gave me some physical attention (took my hand in his, gave me a random hug, etc.) I would trust him more because I would know he loved me. He didn't. He said that he's trying to change, I needed to be patient and I just didn't see the change that he was making. How could he continuously say those kinds of things to me when he knew he was cheating all along?

You are correct in what you have asked for... What you have asked for is "proof of love".. but he can't provide it, choosing instead to dis it, as "it will pass", "she'll get over it"...

He has a child from a previous marriage, that marriage for what ever reason didn't work out... Now, he's married again and has a child to another woman...

There is a possible " I don't want to grow up, be a man, take responsibilities" going on here....

One marriage doesn't work out, you learn from it, grow, understand what you want and don't wont and what's important to make one work...

But, maybe he's a drifter... likes a "wife" at home, doing all that you state that you do and have done, but also can't settle down..

The fact he can't hold you, hug you.. could be guilt. Or, it could be that he is not that way.. You would know this from the first couple of years you were together, if he was affectionate then or really has always been this way.

Often when you give too much, you don't get it back... What I mean by that, is your understanding but without, making him feel you would leave, you may leave, it's not over... He has to win you back, win your trust, win your heart again doesn't he? Don't be too soft here...

If i were you, I'd take the gamble and distance yourself for a couple of months, allow him to go to councelling so he can work out why he feels / felt the need to do this, why his first marriage didn't work, why he gambled his second... and tell him, if he can see the reasons, and only after he's seen a councellor for a couple of months then you will consider re-building a life...

If he takes the easy way out and walks? Continues on the road of destruction he is causing? Then no amount of love you can provide will change him, he's not ready for commitment. But, if he works hard at finding out why? And works hard at trying to win you back,build your trust, then maybe he can answer you at that stage, from the therapy as to why he did it, why he was lost.

CW

[lgreylang]

Excuse me, what is the question? Sorry to be so harsh, but just kick the guy to the curb. There are no "mistakes"...only good guys and bad ones. You made a bad choice...everyone does at times...sometimes more than once....there are pshycological patterns going on here. Take a hard look at yourself and your choices, but he needs to go -- it will happen again, and again, and again....

[Joy]

I think you need to sit down and spend some time by yourself if you haven't already. Take a weekend trip to a cottage, lake, nics spa hotel - somewhere nice and peaceful. I don't think you can make a good choice about staying or going till you can resolve some of the anger and betrayal you so rightfully feel at the moment. This is going to take a lot of healing to get thru - ALOT.

You have a lot of pain you have to deal with head on - make sure you look after yourself first before anyone else. You need to nurture YOU right now. I can only imagine your heart is broken - so sorry this is the situation you are facing.

If you realize you can't forgive then he has to go - you will never have a happy life if this is always going to taste so bitter. Your husband has no excuse for what he did - If he didn't want to get married - If he wanted the single life then he should of stayed single.

good luck sorting this out

[BasketCase]

Alot of the other girls have mentioned trust. And have advised you to consider if you can gain this trust back.

You say you were already parnoid to the point of checking his e-mails and phone on a regular basis. If it was difficult to trust him before this then imagine how hard it's going to be now. He made you beleive that you were the one with the problem. I think that deep down you knew he was cheating. You can't have a relationship without trust. And you could work for years and years trying desprately to gain trust with this man. Or you could start fresh with a man who you will trust and who won't lie and cheat. The choice is yours. And only you can live with that choice. A nine month affair sure is a long time if he doesn't love her. He says she knew he was married. I think maybe he made promises to her and she thought he would keep them and leave you. So now he has taken away a young girls innocence, a loving wifes trust and an unborn childs right to a decent, present, and loving father. He has ruined three lives by his careless actions. Despite your bitterness at the other women, just remember that she never lied to you, she never made you any promises. She never told you she loved you and always would. But he did. She is a victim as well even though I am sure it's hard to see it that way. You say she is 11 years younger than him, and you are only 27 so I am guessing she is in her early 20's, late teens. You can see how a girl that young could easily be fooled by the charm of an older man.

This is the part that'g going to be hard for you to swallow.
There are other guys out there, that you could be happy with. (that about one love for everyone is for the penquins) the chances of you finding his are better than you think. Why allow yourself to be lied and cheated.

[hizenberg]

i agree with everything LANABEAR has just said,but i think you should leave him,Sure you think you love him right now but his affair was a very very long one.And how can you both stay together when this marriage reker is hounding him for child support and for him to take the baby and get to know it??
Life is too short to spend it miserable,and way to long to live like that.Im sorry you had this happen to you and my heart go's out for you,i wish i could hug you.
He is a #$%%#^# and his actions have affected innocent child also.

[stressed]

- He cheated 3 months into the marriage.
- He already has a child from a previous marriage. Now he's going to have two. So when/if you are going to have your own child he will have three children with three different women at that time. It sounds like a harem to me.

You have to think if you can handle this situation. To have your husband visit and support two children that aren't yours, one of which had while married to you. Your children are going to be related to them and you cannot tell him to have no contact with this child. You cannot just ignore someone's existence and biological father because it hurts you. That would be selfish.

No matter how many jobs he is going to have or how much hard you work, the idea of a family you have will hardly happen with this man. He's already split in three parts, two children and one wife. It must be naturally hard for him to fully focus on the family you are going to build. He will always care for his children. Question is, what are you doing with him? It's not even about trust, it's going to be extremely difficult just practically speaking. You already questioned his trust before he cheated and as soon as you were married. Even if you move on the child will be a reminder of this abuse of trust. Can you handle that? Even if you can, I don't see why you have to put yourself through something like this at 27. I am a year younger than you and I'd personally feel as if my life were destroyed. Don't waste your life with a man who has multiple families, you deserve better. There are millions of men out there who would never cheat on their wives, let alone have a baby with them. Put your feelings above his and don't feel sorry for him. He's a grown up man who knew what he was getting into but didn't care about your feelings at the time. I don't see why you should care about his now. Marriage is sacred but it apparently isn't to him.